Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP here. Thanks for the perspectives. It really helped me see that we should definitely not invite MIL on our upcoming and much needed vacation!

I agree with the short, weekend visits concept. It's just that I don't want her in our house, even for a weekend, and DH usually can't take the entire weekend off, so I don't want to entertain her myself. But if we suggest a hotel she will have a hissy fit. In the past we have stayed in a hotel when visiting her (because I don't want to stay with her) and she has had a hissy fit about that. She is very against hotels when staying with family on principle. However, she is a most unpleasant houseguest when staying with us!

She did make a comment about wanting us to come to visit her, and stay with her. I don't want to stay with her and it would cause lots of drama and headaches if we come to see her and stay in a hotel, so it's not even worth going to visit.

To her credit, even though she's a lousy MIL to me, she is an involved grandma to our son, so I would like them to have some sort of relationship, but it's hard to forget how she has treated me so far in our 10 year marriage. She never asks about me, ignores my emails, didn't speak to us recently for 3 months, etc. Just basically has always treated me as DH's friend, not his wife! She doesn't treat DH well either.

I think the best compromise is a weekend visit at a resort somewhere, either for Thanksgiving or another weekend, where she can visit with our son.

Your son doesn't "need" a relationship with someone who treats his parents like this.

I get flamed on DCUM all the time for my attitude toward my MIL. She lives 45 minutes away and we could see her much more often than we do if I planned our free time to include her. I don't. In the early years of our marriage, she was very manipulative and operated to make sure that the vast majority of holiday times and celebrations were with her at the expense of my family (also local). One year, I had enough and told her off over the Thanksgiving table and told her from now on that I would be making my family's plans and that there would always be a place for her where ever we were for holidays, but that we would no longer make our holiday plans around her to the exclusion of my family.

I make plans for holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays. That's it. If my husband wants to see her more, he is welcome to make plans to do so. Maybe twice a year he gets a wild hair and makes plans to take her to breakfast with our daughter. If it isn't important enough to him to make time to see her and have a relationship with her, why should it be important to me? I don't expect him to make plans with my family or to maintain my relationship with them. Why should I be expected to make plans with his mother or to maintain his relationship with her.

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My MIL is wonderful and my FIL difficult but still generally a great person who I'm happy to spend some time with. We also have a big house and are happy to have the ILs stay with us, and in turn we stay with them when we visit. All this background to say that I'm probably the outlier of this particular thread.

However, I'm going to say that none of this stuff, from refusing to change diapers to silent treatment for a couple months, immature as it may be, sounds like a big deal to me. My ILs have their foibles, and my own family definitely does. My FIL and my aunt (who I'm very close with) have both announced in the past that they don't change diapers. Fine. They don't change diapers. Likewise, neither of them would be comfortable watching the baby for a few minutes. (FIL is disabled and doesn't move around well; aunt never had kids and just doesn't really like babies that much.) ILs got pissy with us one year when we missed a family reunion due to a prior commitment and it took a while before we stopped hearing about it. My own mother volunteered my house for a family get-together earlier this year and forgot to check with me first. None of this is a big deal. Everyone is different and they have their ways and I deal with them, and let them stay with me, because I love them and they are family. The important thing to me is that DD really loves them, and they her, and they all love spending time together.

So, OP, I have a different take on this one. Don't invite MIL on vacation, that's completely reasonable. But I would consider whether you and many of these PPs are engaged in subconscious turf wars that you might be able to cede some ground on in the interest of the grandma/son relationship. You're the wife. You already won. Be gracious in victory, let grandma spent time with grandson, and ignore her issues. Everyone has them. It's just a question of whether you let them get to you.

First of all we are talking about MILs who are grandparents, not aunts. I would not expect an aunt to necessarily want to help out particularly if they've never had kids. You said your MIL is wonderful. I assume she may help out or a least is a nice house guest. I am the previous poster who mentioned my MIL refused to watch the baby so I could pump.

I also forgot to add that she never addresses me or asks me how things are going. When we've gone to visit her, she served DH pancakes and then came back and gave him seconds, all why DD and I were left with empty plates. I had to take DH's second pancake and feed some to our DD who was starving.

She refuses to turn up the heat in the winter even when their infant grand daughter visits. It's literally 60 degrees in their bedrooms in the winter (New England). I was furious when I found out that DH had not put our DD in the fleece sleep sack that I had brought up. (She was sleeping in a different room.)

She also visited my SIL who had her first child 6 months before we did. They did not lift a finger and SIL ended up having to take care of a new baby and her ILs just 5 weeks after her delivery.

OP--you don't owe them anything. Let your DH deal with it. It's not your responsibility to make things easy for them, particularly if they don't treat you very well.

NP here. My MIL is wonderful and my FIL difficult but still generally a great person who I'm happy to spend some time with. We also have a big house and are happy to have the ILs stay with us, and in turn we stay with them when we visit. All this background to say that I'm probably the outlier of this particular thread.

However, I'm going to say that none of this stuff, from refusing to change diapers to silent treatment for a couple months, immature as it may be, sounds like a big deal to me. My ILs have their foibles, and my own family definitely does. My FIL and my aunt (who I'm very close with) have both announced in the past that they don't change diapers. Fine. They don't change diapers. Likewise, neither of them would be comfortable watching the baby for a few minutes. (FIL is disabled and doesn't move around well; aunt never had kids and just doesn't really like babies that much.) ILs got pissy with us one year when we missed a family reunion due to a prior commitment and it took a while before we stopped hearing about it. My own mother volunteered my house for a family get-together earlier this year and forgot to check with me first. None of this is a big deal. Everyone is different and they have their ways and I deal with them, and let them stay with me, because I love them and they are family. The important thing to me is that DD really loves them, and they her, and they all love spending time together.

So, OP, I have a different take on this one. Don't invite MIL on vacation, that's completely reasonable. But I would consider whether you and many of these PPs are engaged in subconscious turf wars that you might be able to cede some ground on in the interest of the grandma/son relationship. You're the wife. You already won. Be gracious in victory, let grandma spent time with grandson, and ignore her issues. Everyone has them. It's just a question of whether you let them get to you.

Anonymous wrote:Wait, I just saw the bit about her not talking to you for three months. Nope. Don't feel obligated at all.

Enjoy your vacation with DH, let DH handle all comms with his mom, and wait until he mentions wanting to see her.

+1

This is what we do. It is MUCH easier. MIL has always somehow thought we would defer to her (we let her think so, but we don't actually do it). We do what works for us. MIL is NOT at all helpful with the children, she doesn't really act like a MIL (which is fine) - a mother (not fine), or a grandmother (also not fine). MIL laid her bed, so she can lie in it. You owe her nothing, OP. Don't defer to her just because she's "old", or DH's mother, or whatever. That's BS. If she wants respect she has to give it. Period.

MIL gets off on "jabbing" me; and could not care less about who I am (probably because she has so little identity of her own). I let it flow off my back - think water on a duck's back! Really, give it no weight whatsoever, and decide who matters in your life. MIL = no. DH = yes. Easy.

Also, I an REALLY sensitive to the vacation thing, because we are in the same boat. I'll be damned if I let our only vacation time be the beach week from hell with MIL, in a place I don't even like! Plan your own vacations, tell DH where you are going as a (nuclear) family. Done.

Whomever started the beach week from hell idea of cramming as many people as possible into a house should be shot. For the record.

OP, are you young? You need to grow up a little and learn how to not care if someone (especially someone who has proven themselves to be an asshole) throws a hissy fit.

Toughen up.

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP here. Thanks for the perspectives. It really helped me see that we should definitely not invite MIL on our upcoming and much needed vacation!

I agree with the short, weekend visits concept. It's just that I don't want her in our house, even for a weekend, and DH usually can't take the entire weekend off, so I don't want to entertain her myself. But if we suggest a hotel she will have a hissy fit. In the past we have stayed in a hotel when visiting her (because I don't want to stay with her) and she has had a hissy fit about that. She is very against hotels when staying with family on principle. However, she is a most unpleasant houseguest when staying with us!

She did make a comment about wanting us to come to visit her, and stay with her. I don't want to stay with her and it would cause lots of drama and headaches if we come to see her and stay in a hotel, so it's not even worth going to visit.

To her credit, even though she's a lousy MIL to me, she is an involved grandma to our son, so I would like them to have some sort of relationship, but it's hard to forget how she has treated me so far in our 10 year marriage. She never asks about me, ignores my emails, didn't speak to us recently for 3 months, etc. Just basically has always treated me as DH's friend, not his wife! She doesn't treat DH well either.

I think the best compromise is a weekend visit at a resort somewhere, either for Thanksgiving or another weekend, where she can visit with our son.

Um, why are you bothering with her then? Sorry, but if she is DISRESPECTFUL to you, she is NOT a good grandmother. Her actions towards you can affect how your child treats you in the future.

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, don't be such a fucking doormat.

Tell her that she can visit you for 3, maybe 4, days at a time. Long weekends so your husband will be around. And go on your own vacation.

Just because she WANTS to visit for a week doesn't mean you have to allow it.

+1

IF your DH can't be bothered to take time of to deal with HIS mother, why should you make yourself miserable? DH needs to set limits with his mother, limits that YOU BOTH agree to.

IF you don't take care of your marriage (vacation time), it will fall apart. Meddling ILs can damage a marriage as well. So keep the not nice ILs AWAY.

I loved my MIL and she lived nearby. I used to send my DC with my DH when he would visit her for a couple of hours. I realized she wanted to see DC, not me, so why bother going? I wasn't offended. DH had a chance to spend time with his mom and she had time to spend with DC. I would take DC over to visit my parents without my DH, so again, not a problem unless YOU make it one. Figure out something that works for you!

Anonymous wrote:OP, a PP here. Am I right that she was happy to let three months go by with no updates about the baby? Because of a grudge? That does not seem like a caring, involved grandma to me.

OP here. Yes, she did refuse to speak to us for 3 months because of a grudge and was willing to forego updates about the baby during that time. DH repeatedly pointed out to her that she missed out on 3 months of her grandson's life because of her ridiculous grudges. However, besides that she has been very involved from a distance.

OP, a PP here. Am I right that she was happy to let three months go by with no updates about the baby? Because of a grudge? That does not seem like a caring, involved grandma to me.

OP ~ you are creating too much drama by not knowing your own mind.

Hi, OP here. Thanks for the perspectives. It really helped me see that we should definitely not invite MIL on our upcoming and much needed vacation!

I agree with the short, weekend visits concept. It's just that I don't want her in our house, even for a weekend, and DH usually can't take the entire weekend off, so I don't want to entertain her myself. But if we suggest a hotel she will have a hissy fit. In the past we have stayed in a hotel when visiting her (because I don't want to stay with her) and she has had a hissy fit about that. She is very against hotels when staying with family on principle. However, she is a most unpleasant houseguest when staying with us!

She did make a comment about wanting us to come to visit her, and stay with her. I don't want to stay with her and it would cause lots of drama and headaches if we come to see her and stay in a hotel, so it's not even worth going to visit.

To her credit, even though she's a lousy MIL to me, she is an involved grandma to our son, so I would like them to have some sort of relationship, but it's hard to forget how she has treated me so far in our 10 year marriage. She never asks about me, ignores my emails, didn't speak to us recently for 3 months, etc. Just basically has always treated me as DH's friend, not his wife! She doesn't treat DH well either.

I think the best compromise is a weekend visit at a resort somewhere, either for Thanksgiving or another weekend, where she can visit with our son.

OP, is your husband asking you to spend vacation with them?

Your baby does not need to see MIL. If MIL needs to see the baby, then she'd better change her behavior and knock off crap like not speaking to you for three months. That tells me that she was happy to let three months go by without updates about the baby. Baby gives you the upper hand; do not lose that by chasing after MIL with invitations. And do NOT waste the upcoming vacation; you, DH and baby need the time together to relax and bond. No in-laws.

I'm curious. What does your husband want? I get the impression from reading your post that a lot of this should do behavior is based on your guilt and not what your husband is requesting.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and ask him how frequently he would like to see his mother and then you need to explain you won't be hosting her solo in the future. He is her son and he did not abdicate his role because he got married.

Oh lordy. You do not owe your MIL anything but common courtesy. Do NOT let her come on vacation with you. You need a vacation with your DH. Do not invite her for Thanksgiving.

Ask your DH when he would like to take a long weekend from work. He can invite her then, for the WEEKEND. If she would like to stay a full week, offer her the option of staying in a hotel and visiting in the evenings when your DH is home from work.

Hotels really really help with IL's. Get in the habit. Boundaries are wonderful things.