OP here. Clearly no one has thought about the fact that this isn't the relationship forum and I didn't want to get into details here. But since it seems to be a priority. We have been in a 2 year rut, we have had a trial separation, he has dated other people, we have been arguing and we have been having a very hard time romantically. However, we ultimately decided to give it our all and continue to work on things, which I'm sure many can relate is very hard. This is all while I made 40k-70k

The career I am about to begin will include 80 hour weeks, as I said before, I will have even less time to nurture our relationship, and my speciality has some of the highest divorce rates. I've been being warned by my colleagues, though mostly men, and I am thinking it is something even a woman should be prepared for.

I said divorce is a realistic outcome because it just is given the state of our marriage, his lack of ambition is not the sole source of our problems but it causes a mental block for me to think of him the way I think of a traditional marriage. I did not say I want to divorce for someone better. If anything I'm worried about being taken advantage of and wondering if he has only decided to stay because of the potential earning, if he is staying with me because of that or if he will soon want a divorce, and if either of those are the case what should I be prepared for.

As far as the relationship dynamic, yes I do value ambition and hard work, that's who I am, and that's also why my DH has been drawn to me over the years he has said it many times. I am a hard worker and don't settle for anything less. Why am I being vilified for that when he wanted the same things and received it and there isn't anything wrong with that? As I said before if 100k was what we both believed he would earn and was in the path we always discussed, I would be happy. We always knew I would make more, but to see him put the brakes on his goals, for seemingly no legitimate reason to me, I don't know what to think of it.

Constructive criticism is welcomed, but I don't think any blatant judgments are warranted.

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like the reverse of a man making it as a powerful attorney or doctor, then deciding that his wife, who helped him through med or law school is too old, doesn't work out enough for him to stay fit after having kids, so then decides to divorce for a younger model.

If your DH was an asshole, this would be a different story, but low ambition?

How many posts have you read on this forum where a women states her DH is saying mean things to her after she's gained some weight after having kids?

Did you marry him for his ambition? If you need him to pickup more slack at home, that's different. Talk to him about it. But divorcing him for a lack of ambition sounds much like a man divorcing a woman for gaining weight.

+1 Spot on PP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Worst case scenario: my work hours are too hard, if he is having some mood disorders now it will only worsen, I won't be around to nurture our relationship. What position does that put me in with the children, with assests and having to support him?

Should I be trying to avoid divorce at all costs from a financial standpoint?

Not worse scenario: Everything we have has been shared, am I in a position to have "my" money and "his" being separate? Is he allowed, legally that is, to use whatever he pleases as ours?

You sound heartless. It makes me sad.

+1..OP seems to have let money become the most important thing in her life now and forgotten about the shared life experiences and struggles when they were poorer...

This sounds like the reverse of a man making it as a powerful attorney or doctor, then deciding that his wife, who helped him through med or law school is too old, doesn't work out enough for him to stay fit after having kids, so then decides to divorce for a younger model.

If your DH was an asshole, this would be a different story, but low ambition?

How many posts have you read on this forum where a women states her DH is saying mean things to her after she's gained some weight after having kids?

Did you marry him for his ambition? If you need him to pickup more slack at home, that's different. Talk to him about it. But divorcing him for a lack of ambition sounds much like a man divorcing a woman for gaining weight.

Anonymous wrote:

Worst case scenario: my work hours are too hard, if he is having some mood disorders now it will only worsen, I won't be around to nurture our relationship. What position does that put me in with the children, with assests and having to support him?

Should I be trying to avoid divorce at all costs from a financial standpoint?

Not worse scenario: Everything we have has been shared, am I in a position to have "my" money and "his" being separate? Is he allowed, legally that is, to use whatever he pleases as ours?

You sound heartless. It makes me sad.

OP, did you ever really love your husband as the person he is? You seem preoccupied with th financial end of things. Do you love hm?

Hmm OP. Sounds like you need to discuss with a lawyer.

OP - I second the suggestion of counseling. DH and I did two sessions when I was feeling frustrated over being the primary breadwinner but also the primary caregiver. Counseling was amazing for us - I think we had both been taking each other for granted and once someone helped us each vocalize our own contributions to the marriage, our expectations of each other, and our hopes for the future, things improved literally instantly. It's worth at least a try. It's also worth a conversation with your husband about your concerns. If you have kids you owe that to yourselves and each other.

I'd suggest some counseling to help you guys communicate better. I have a feeling his side of the story might be quite a bit different than what you see. Honestly, you sound oddly possessive of your paycheck for a married person, and like you're gearing up for a divorce already. I think it's really hard to have two big earners in one family, and I'm not so sure you appreciate that. I think your dh may be picking up the slack more than you recognize.

Anonymous wrote:
Not worse scenario: Everything we have has been shared, am I in a position to have "my" money and "his" being separate? Is he allowed, legally that is, to use whatever he pleases as ours?

It's all shared money, no matter whose accounts it's in or who controls the account. In a divorce, he'll be entitled to a lifestyle similar to what you have now, so youll be paying alimony.

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a god awful person and a horrible marriage partner. I'd be glad to never be unlucky enough to marry you, pre nor post $750k salary.

I hope you divorce him and he takes you to the cleaners.

Um okay. Trying to be pragmatic and prepared is the best thing I can do, I know people hate to be realistic about relationships and divorce, but that does not stop them from happening...

You sound like a god awful person and a horrible marriage partner. I'd be glad to never be unlucky enough to marry you, pre nor post $750k salary.

I hope you divorce him and he takes you to the cleaners.

To avoid a long quote.

My job does not require any travel. And the move was during the education part in which he chose a school based upon where I had to go.

To the PP about the sacrifices I'm probably not noticing. I have no doubt that we are able to get through the day because of things he does. As I said, most of the reason abilities with the children are shared, I couldn't do all of them by myself for sure. The sacrifices he WILL have to make from now on will be very significant, as the real hours are about to become a reality.

About him being a SAHD, in theory I would mind as it will help with logistics and the kids. However, from a romantic stand point, I don't know what it will do to my perception of my DH. This ambition thing has already been challenging, I fear that would be far worse.

Worst case scenario: my work hours are too hard, if he is having some mood disorders now it will only worsen, I won't be around to nurture our relationship. What position does that put me in with the children, with assests and having to support him?

Should I be trying to avoid divorce at all costs from a financial standpoint?

Not worse scenario: Everything we have has been shared, am I in a position to have "my" money and "his" being separate? Is he allowed, legally that is, to use whatever he pleases as ours?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children and, if so, has he made it his primary job to raise them so that you could, for example, put in the hours as a career-track associate to make partner at your firm? If so, then your success was, at least in part, made possible by his sacrifice. By this I mean that you were able to work late nights, weekends, travel at a moment's notice, go into work early, while he took the children to school, doctor's appointments, sports practices, music rehearsals, made dinner, etc.

If you do not have nay children and my scenario is not the case, then you need to explain to your husband that you are very concerned about his lack of ambition, and that you expect him to work diligently on his career because your assets and income will in no way be used to support his family, or even him unless he steps up to the plate.

We have children but none of the above applied. We have had to hire nannies or my family has cared for them. He has never been a stay at home dad, he has needed the same amount of time as me in respects to education (class, labs, projects) and has always worked as well, requiring fulltime childcare . Shuttling around to activities, etc has been mostly shared, possibly more driving on my part because my schedule for coming and going aligned well, and household responsibilities have mostly been done by me. I'm still very traditional in my home life, one of the reasons this is hard for me to swallow, my image of a partner is changing...

If he is not taking care of the children, is not particularly involved in the home life, and is not working very hard at his career - what has he been doing while at work? Or is it the case that his job, unlike your partner-track career, is one with limited-income potential. Many people, for example teachers, emergency personnel, municipal employees, may be giving their career their very all -but those careers may just not pay very well. If he works to his potential in a sector or industry with modest pay, then I do not think that you should resent his not looking for another higher-paying line of work, particularly if he likes his job. If your husband is simply shirking, loafing, sitting at his desk, and his skills and income have stagnated as a result, then that is another thing altogether.

People say that they want a supportive husband who will prioritize his home life over his work life, but I just think that most women (and I am one) want a husband who can fill the traditional role of supporting the family.

I am not a partner or in the line of work at all. Just to clarify.
His education and experience is one of those open ended things where he could do policy, industry, business, a lot of options. The option he has chosen has made his skills and income stagnant. I don't think he is particularly happy, he is still exploring what he wants to do long term in some ways. When I suggest avenues he finds something negative about it, but when asked if this is what he wants to do, that answer is not particularly positive either. What he does is interesting, but it isn't a passion or anything that is keeping him there. It seems more of a "good enough" attitude.

I also think his own lack of ambition will come back to bit is in the ass long term because I do honestly believe men want to fulfill that traditional role and he will resent me. If he was exactly where he wanted to be, proud of what he was doing and his outlook on his career was "couldn't get any better" I would have zero complaints making more! In fact it was always expected that I would like make more, but we both had the ambition to reach the top in our respective places.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say your husband will be lucky to make $100k. In my book that's decent money, although certainly not to the level of income you'll be attaining. Together you two will be making nearly a million dollars a year! I'm not sure I see a pronlme unless you resent working harder than he does. You can have a good life together.

I do realize it's a lot of money, especially from where we started! But my reaction to it is a lot different I think because I am watching his motives and intentions and that's bothering me..

If 100k was the top for his field then I'd be happy, knowing he isn't making steps forward gets to me. Is it reasonable then if the total HHI is more than enough to not push him? Is it a common decision made, besides SAHMs, but with a working partner, to have them not worry about advancement?

I don't think anyone can answer this for you because it's a highly individual decision. It really depends on your priorities and how you feel overall about your husband. I feel that my husband's many good qualities outweigh his low earning power. He's considerate, kind, loving, an excellent father, and handles most of the family finances and administrative tasks. Do I wish he was more successful at his career? Yes I do. In his case it's less about lack of ambition and more about tendencies to be too hard on himself and a lack of confidence. He's better now but due to some bad career decisions early on he's sort of at a dead end professionally. Still, I think I'm better off with than without him. I'm taking the long view here. Maybe the difference is that our HHI is much lower than yours, OP? I make about $140k and DH makes another $50k. We feel rich. I can't even imagine making three quarters of a million dollars a year!