Not the OP but thanks for your advice 16:40. You sound similar to a poster on a depression thread and that, too, was really helpful.

OP - I don't have a lot of advice for you since I'm in the midst of this myself. I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand how you feel and that you are entitled to feel the way you do. It's doing something with those feelings that's. Hugs!

OP, my life is very similar to yours, except for the fact that I don't really like to drink myself so don't mourn the loss of that part of our life together. But I, too, am married to a recovered alcoholic and have small children. Our marriage was severely damaged by the betrayals from when he was drinking but I'm committed to keep us together in adherence to my sickness and health marriage vows and out of not wanting to turn my childrens' lives upside down. I also nodded right along with what you said about him finding other addictions to replace the alcohol, the selfishness of that. Everyone in our life thinks he did such an amazing thing getting sober and does not understand how that doesn't just magically make it all better and that it's still very hard work. My husband replaced drinking and drugs with being a workaholic and chain smoking (which he didn't do before and disgusts me). Whenever he's not at work, I'm frequently alone in the house managing the kids while he's sneaking outside to smoke. So textbook for them to find a replacement, be glad yours is a healthy one.
Anyway, here are some suggestions I've learned from experience:

-- I would say the most helpful thing we did was the weekend family program at Father Martin's Ashley, north of Baltimore. He was a patient there at the time, but you don't have to be to attend it. It would give you a chance to air out these issues you have with a team of addiction experts. You will see other families are struggling with the exact same things. And most importantly, it will teach you a lot about addiction so you will understand his behaviors and have some strategies for dealing with them. This was a hugely helpful bonding experience for us.

-- Also, you need to pull in whatever resources you can to support you as a parent. We bleed money on this stuff, but it's the only way our family functions. Hire people to do whatever you can to help, lean on relatives and friends. You can't do it at the pace you are going.

-- Work on keeping your side of the street clean. Meaning, don't let yourself become consumed by his addiction and instead work on your own issues and becoming the best person you can be. Find a way not to sacrifice your workouts or whatever else you need to stay physically, emotionally and mentally healthy.

-- Along those lines, make time for yourself and what you enjoy. For me, that means carving out time with friends, venting to them when I need to and getting time to read. Having an addict in the family can consume all your energy - fight that.

-- You also have to do a better job of trying to connect to him. That is really hard -- trust me, I know. I'm kind of lecturing myself here as a write this because it's easy for me just to tune him out. Our therapist warned me that divorce is inevitable, 100 percent going to happen, if I keep that up. Go on date nights, put down your phones and talk and you really have to have sex with him. It may sound like the last thing you want to do, but you must if you want to stay married, and it doesn't really take that long. In other words, when it comes to rebuilding closeness, you have to fake it until you make it. I'm still working to fake it in hopes of making it and hope you do, too.

Anonymous wrote:Alcoholism is a powerful disease that affects not only the drinker but also his/her entire family.
Please contact Al-Anon.
It is a fellowship designed to support family members who are affected by an alcoholic.
Google for Al-Anon washington dc and call them. Please!

Agree with this. Even after my dad got sober, my mom continued to be angry with him. He wasn't perfect by any means but she had failed to see that there was more going on than just the drinking and that she was part of it. I wish she had gone to Al-Anon and learned to understand her role in the family dynamics. And, well, later I realized that she was a secret alcoholic and was very good at hiding it but that's another story. Good luck, OP!

Thanks PP, and wishing you the best possible outcome! I guess I need to man up and throw down that gauntlet. I was waiting for an obvious opening in he recovery path to do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave to say, YOU sound a bit selfish. He's sober now. This is the time to rebuild, not focus on past issues.

OP here. I realize I didn't explain this very well but obviously from other responses there are plenty of people who understand what it is like. Here is just one of many examples: he has turned his energies to the gym, which is great - he has a release, he is staying in shape, etc. we have 2 kids including one with special needs and intense jobs, and always agreed to split the work 50/50 (including when I made a big career leap recently only after he encouraged me to) but I've bent over backwards to make sure he gets that gym time. Except, he doesn't get his share of family stuff done, and I am giving up my own gym/friend/personal time to do his stuff and make space for him. For a year, even 4 or 5 while he gets a handle on staying sober, fine, but I'm looking ahead 10 years and thinking I don't want to spend the rest of my days with someone who always puts his own needs first, before kids or me. That's kind of what I'm asking here - is there any hope of going back to a more equal partnership or do I have 3 kids for the duration?

As far as 12 step, he did a different type of program. I don't really know how it lines up with 12 step. I guess I just thought looking at your relationships would be a natural part of any recovery program, but maybe not...

K

PP here. To address this question...I clearly outlined my expectation for the future of our relationship and told him that he was either on board for a "partnership" (give and take, not take take take) or he wasn't. If he isn't willing to do the work, then I'm gone. The verdict is still out on that but so far I see a significant amount of effort being made.