Anonymous wrote:Oh, I am no doubt not very nice. But I am also being very honest. That would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be able to get over it easily. I would be furious. And I would be the one scrambling around for the fix after having expressed my extreme concern to my husband about his mother's ability to fulfill this role. So, yup, call me all the names you want. If you have the ability to be gracious while transitioning back to work FT with your childcare situation in flux and never having dealt with childcare issues before, you are better moms than I.

I hope you realize that your behavior is a rather exteme case of anti-social behavior. Your MIL was going to provide you with free childcare (even if it was only part-time), found she was over her head and wasn't up to the commitment. Your reaction is furious, and you would hold a grudge indefinitely and be completely unforgiving.

While you can do whatever you want, you really should refrain from giving advice because your reactions is both inappropriately over-the-top and very destructive to family harmony. I would never recommend or condone any reaction like yours.

And for the record, I had a similar issue. We had our twins in daycare for just over a year and decided to get a nanny. We spent several months advertising, interviewing, having test sitting sessions and finally selected a nanny. We wrote up a contract, did a background check, signed the contract, canceled our daycare, and on the first morning she was scheduled to arrive, she never showed up for work. It took me several hours to track her down and she came up with a story about having a fight with her boyfriend, moving out of their apartment, having her car break down, etc. I asked her to call (we did everything via text and email) and we could talk about her situation, and see if we could make alternative arrangements, including me coming giving her rides to and from the Metro station, but she never called. We then had to scramble and get alternative care. We were fortunate that we had priority in our old daycare and were able to get them back in the following week, so we each took 2-3 days off to watch them until they returned to daycare. I was upset with her for a couple of days and then thankful that we had dodged a bullet. I was glad to find out before an incident happened that she was unreliable and would not have been a safe childcare choice for my children.

I can understand that you'd be furious and rightfully so. The part that is unreasonable is that you wouldn't be able to get over it and would hold a grudge, against your own mother-in-law and the grandmother of your children. A normal reaction is to be upset and to get over it in due course, which for some would be days, for other could be weeks, but to ultimately get over it, forgive and move on.

She actually said she "never" wants to watch the baby?

Update OP, were you able to change to a full week at daycare?

Honestly, it's much better that she's figured out she's not up to it now rather than later. She was making you a nice offer but she's realized it's too much for her. I'd call the daycare ASAP and see if you can get the fifth day back, or look for a part time nanny for that day, and see if maybe your MIL would be willing to help out a couple more weeks until you can get something permanent. I am sympathetic - your MIL sounds a bit like my mom, who loves to watch DC in theory (and is great and on and wonderful when she does) but flakes out in practice relatively often. Doesn't mean she won't be super helpful in a pinch or on an occasional emergency, but now you know what to expect.

Was she at least apologetic?

I would thank her for being honest, but also be clear that she put you in a bad position at an already stressful time.

She would not be my priority for awhile. Do what you need to do to adjust to being back to work.

Any complaints about how often she sees the baby after creating this situation should be met with an internal eye roll and a "we're doing the best we can."

My MIL initially committed to watch DD for 3 months when I went back to work, but her husband wasn't able to manage without her and demanded she return sooner. It was a rough situation all around, but I thanked MIL for the time and sacrafices she made to give us the weeks of care she did, then I paid to reschedule her flight and gave her the happiest send off we could muster. It was difficult to arrange childcare last minute, but given FIL's behavior, I really couldn't fault MIL for needing to return home.

Going forward, we don't plan on or count on MIL being able to stay for long visits or to watch the kids while FIL is home - he's too demanding and won't allow MIL to prioritize tending to the kids. So, we visit them rather than have them come to us, and DH & I don't go out on dates when visiting the ILs like we do when visiting my parents. My MIL is capable and willing, on her own, but FIL's presence is too disruptive to allow her to properly babysit. It's life - some people are in a position to help, others aren't. We try to make the grandkids accessible anyway.

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I am no doubt not very nice. But I am also being very honest. That would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be able to get over it easily. I would be furious. And I would be the one scrambling around for the fix after having expressed my extreme concern to my husband about his mother's ability to fulfill this role. So, yup, call me all the names you want. If you have the ability to be gracious while transitioning back to work FT with your childcare situation in flux and never having dealt with childcare issues before, you are better moms than I.

Please identify yourself in future complaints about your in-laws, so we can get to the point - it's not your ILs, it's you .

I'd be annoyed, but it's good that your MIL was honest about saying she couldn't handle it. Some MILs would have been resentful and maybe even neglectful of your child rather than being honest. I am also a young grandparent - late 40s - and in good health, walk miles a day, work out, try to eat healthy etc. Still I realize it's much harder for me these days to keep up with a 2 year old. I have no problem watching my 2 year old grandchild on occasion while her parents are at work for the whole day, but sometimes I get sooo exhausted lol.

Oh, I am no doubt not very nice. But I am also being very honest. That would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be able to get over it easily. I would be furious. And I would be the one scrambling around for the fix after having expressed my extreme concern to my husband about his mother's ability to fulfill this role. So, yup, call me all the names you want. If you have the ability to be gracious while transitioning back to work FT with your childcare situation in flux and never having dealt with childcare issues before, you are better moms than I.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her flat out that you turned down a precious FT daycare slot at HER request and ask her to cover the cost of a sitter for that day until the daycare spot comes open again. Make sure she knows that it may be years.

Also, this is just my Jersey showing, but she would get nothing from me. No pictures. No phone calls. No skyping. If she offered to babysit for an evening, I would decline. I would be effing pissed off and it would take me years to get over it. I do not do well when I am worried about our childcare situation. If she wanted to see her grandchild, it would be completely up to her son to facilitate it. She would not get any quarter from me.

My mom looked after our child full time from when I went back to work for several months. We worked out a schedule ahead of time to cover a couple of trips that she had planned and she was a Godsend. If she had flaked out on us, I don't know what I would have done.

I don't think it's your "Jersey showing". I've known plenty of normal, sane people from New Jersey.

+1. You are just a bitch. Nothing to do with Jersey.

Anonymous wrote:I would understand that she bit off more than she could chew.

I would ask her for flexibility about timing until you can up the arrangement with daycare, which based on what you've posted they sound pretty flexible.

This. Respect her for being big enough to say this is too much for her vs. continuing on and not being a good caretaker.

Anonymous wrote:I would understand that she bit off more than she could chew.

I would ask her for flexibility about timing until you can up the arrangement with daycare, which based on what you've posted they sound pretty flexible.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Tell her flat out that you turned down a precious FT daycare slot at HER request and ask her to cover the cost of a sitter for that day until the daycare spot comes open again. Make sure she knows that it may be years.

Also, this is just my Jersey showing, but she would get nothing from me. No pictures. No phone calls. No skyping. If she offered to babysit for an evening, I would decline. I would be effing pissed off and it would take me years to get over it. I do not do well when I am worried about our childcare situation. If she wanted to see her grandchild, it would be completely up to her son to facilitate it. She would not get any quarter from me.

My mom looked after our child full time from when I went back to work for several months. We worked out a schedule ahead of time to cover a couple of trips that she had planned and she was a Godsend. If she had flaked out on us, I don't know what I would have done.

I don't think it's your "Jersey showing". I've known plenty of normal, sane people from New Jersey.

Anonymous wrote:Tell her flat out that you turned down a precious FT daycare slot at HER request and ask her to cover the cost of a sitter for that day until the daycare spot comes open again. Make sure she knows that it may be years.

Also, this is just my Jersey showing, but she would get nothing from me. No pictures. No phone calls. No skyping. If she offered to babysit for an evening, I would decline. I would be effing pissed off and it would take me years to get over it. I do not do well when I am worried about our childcare situation. If she wanted to see her grandchild, it would be completely up to her son to facilitate it. She would not get any quarter from me.

My mom looked after our child full time from when I went back to work for several months. We worked out a schedule ahead of time to cover a couple of trips that she had planned and she was a Godsend. If she had flaked out on us, I don't know what I would have done.

No. That is not "New Jersey." You are not a nice person. You should change, and you should definitely not be giving relationship advice.

Anonymous wrote:I would understand that she bit off more than she could chew.

I would ask her for flexibility about timing until you can up the arrangement with daycare, which based on what you've posted they sound pretty flexible.

+1

I would understand that she bit off more than she could chew.

I would ask her for flexibility about timing until you can up the arrangement with daycare, which based on what you've posted they sound pretty flexible.