I'm firmly in the marriage comes first camp. I have been roundly attacked on DCUM for that, and for saying that your children are only with you for a short time, and that - if you do your job right - they grow up and move out.

My DH has often said that he is happy that we have children, but that is not why we got married. We married so that we could grow old together. So our marriage comes first. It is far too early to get caught up in all the hectic chaos surrounding young children, but look at it this way: having a strong marriage gives your children emotional security, and models that for them, too.

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Four of ours are grown and out of the house. One teen still at home, but will graduate and be off to college in a couple of years. We have loved our 24 years of parenting, but we are really looking forward to it being just the two of us again. Our kids are important, but our marriage has always come first. Children are awesome, but we only have them at home for a few short years. Marriage is for life.

That's pretty awesome. I wish my DH believed that marriage comes first.

it's hard to say. The kids place stress on the marriage that we live and have made it harder for us to place the focus on us. Looking at it how it is now probably not, we might not have gotten past the hard times without them as a primary reason to work things out and try harder. However, I believe our relationship and us as a couple would be completely different if we did not have kids, which makes this question impossible to know for sure.

I think having our kids made us stronger as a couple.

I think if you marry a friend and you are in love, that love will last. You also have to want the same things and want your relationship to last. A great marriage takes work and some people are lazy.

Cheaters and abusers do not fall into the above category.

Married 10 yrs.

Anonymous wrote:Contemplating a LTR and possibly marriage, but parenting is not for me. So I just need honest answers from both DHs and DWs. With all the complexities that come with parenting and marriage (loss of libido, no time for sex, finances, etc) do you think you would remain madly in love with, and sexually drawn to that s/o of yours forever had kids not been in the mix?

For us, I think the answer is...no. I do know I would have left him some time ago if I didn't have kids-I would not have put up with his stuff. To his credit, he realized that and has taken steps to get his stuff under control. We enjoy parenting together and it's our bond.

I am the first happy PP with five grown/nearly grown kids. This thread is one of the saddest I've ever read on dcum... And that says a lot!

Are there really that few of us who are happily married? Our children have given us immeasurable joy! I adore them! Being their mom has just been an amazing journey! But my husband is my life partner. My best friend in the world. The one I will grow old with. Time with our children is brief compared to the rest of our lives with our soul mate.

Seriously. Your kids will grow up and leave. It will happen faster than you can imagine. If you aren't nurturing the relationship with your spouse now,
you'll find there is no relationship once the kids are gone. There is no luck or magic trick. It takes hard work and a daily commitment to choose to love.

Love my kids, but my DH and I have always put our marriage first. 28 years and counting.....

I think our marriage would be that much more awesome without kiddo in the mix. More time and money to pursue shared interests, less stress, more travel...

So yeah, absolutely. We were married a while before having ds though. Lots of time to lay a solid foundation before he threw us for a loop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:seems like us single gals should not be tyring to get married after all!

If you don't want to have children, don't get married. Men are more fun by the dozen. If you do want children, you need a stable context in which to bring them up.

I agree with this. I would have been long gone if we didn't have kids. But we stay and work at it for their sake and things are pretty good. But why work so hard without them? I had a friend who was very up front about not wanting kids, then she got married and I couldn't figure out why a person would do that. Now, she's divorced. Makes perfect sense to me.

Hard to say. Without kids both of our careers probably would have taken different paths and the dynamic of our marriage would be completely different.

But probably not.

i already have a child. should i try to marry still?

Anonymous wrote:seems like us single gals should not be tyring to get married after all!

If you don't want to have children, don't get married. Men are more fun by the dozen. If you do want children, you need a stable context in which to bring them up.

seems like us single gals should not be tyring to get married after all!

Anonymous wrote:No but this is not necessarily an indictment of my husband. It's just that I personally don't see the point of being married without kids. If I'm not having a family with someone, I wouldn't tie myself down at all.

+1.

DH here. DW and I get along fine, parent fine, everything is fine. But other than kids, I don't see the point in staying in mediocre relationships. We would have mutually moved on without the kid, like every other relationship that has just run it's course.

Definitely! We would fight less, travel more, have more sex, have more money.

It makes me sad that so many people say no. I love my husband. I don't stay married to him because I have kids, I stay married to him because I love him.

Anonymous wrote:DW here: No, but I stay for the kids.

Me too and I'm 20 years in.