Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:re: I feel this way about my own parents a lot. They're retired and have nothing to do. Not an exaggeration. As a result, our phone conversations are very dull, always about what's on the news, going on in Gaza or another state as if they're personally involved. And then if the conversation isn't about national or world events, it's about every little thing their grandchild is doing. "Yes, he's sleeping." "Does he sleep well?" "Yes, I've told you this before, he's doing well when it comes to napping/sleeping through the night." "Did I just hear him say something?" "No, that was the television." And on and on and on.

I find it's hard to be in the same room with them during their visits. They just want to grow old watching DS and do nothing else. I wish they'd understand that DS isn't here to give them a reason to exist. I know they love him so I try to be a better person but that usually involves taking a deep breath and leaving the room when I've had enough or to just avoid another pointless discussion about something in the news."...


wow. just wow. your parents sound kind. what happened to you?

I agree. Cold-hearted. Please let my son choose a kind partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound like a "bigger person" situation, because it doesn't sound like they're doing anything wrong. It sounds like this is more about your own rigidity and need for control, which is something you have to work on in yourself.

OP, here. Yes, I think this is mostly right. I mean, they do things and have habits that are pretty objectively irritating BUT I think that's true for almost all of us (including me) and overall they are good people. I should be able to ignore my MIL telling our neighbors very personal details about my life (and my kids' lives) because she has to talk to everyone about everything etc. but I get red in the face when I hear her doing it or hear that she's done it.

Do you have suggestions for working on myself? I AM rigid. Probably a bit controlling too but I try and save it for things related to my kids that I actually think impact their well being and health. And I can act differently (i.e., let my MIL yap to neighbors and refrain from giving her an outright evil eye) but inside I simmer.

Anonymous wrote:re: I feel this way about my own parents a lot. They're retired and have nothing to do. Not an exaggeration. As a result, our phone conversations are very dull, always about what's on the news, going on in Gaza or another state as if they're personally involved. And then if the conversation isn't about national or world events, it's about every little thing their grandchild is doing. "Yes, he's sleeping." "Does he sleep well?" "Yes, I've told you this before, he's doing well when it comes to napping/sleeping through the night." "Did I just hear him say something?" "No, that was the television." And on and on and on.

I find it's hard to be in the same room with them during their visits. They just want to grow old watching DS and do nothing else. I wish they'd understand that DS isn't here to give them a reason to exist. I know they love him so I try to be a better person but that usually involves taking a deep breath and leaving the room when I've had enough or to just avoid another pointless discussion about something in the news."...


wow. just wow. your parents sound kind. what happened to you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I understand that your DH is responsible for his relationship with them, but why would you not want to take any ownership for visitors in your home, visitors to whom you are related? My own mom can peeve me, but I still want to be sure that she has a good time when she visits. No, that doesn't mean breaking my back or going to extreme lengths, but still...
Do you not want to have more than a polite relationship with your IL'S or is that impossible for some reason?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I understand that your DH is responsible for his relationship with them, but why would you not want to take any ownership for visitors in your home, visitors to whom you are related? My own mom can peeve me, but I still want to be sure that she has a good time when she visits. No, that doesn't mean breaking my back or going to extreme lengths, but still...
Do you not want to have more than a polite relationship with your IL'S or is that impossible for some reason?

No, I'm not interested in having more than a polite relationship with my ILs. I have no emotional connection with them and feel no need to attempt to force those feelings or to develop them. Perhaps that might change in the future but given who they are, at a minimum, I will continue to maintain boundaries. If DH asks for assistance or would like me to do something, I'm happy to help him but I'm not responsible for their visit just as DH is not responsible for my family's visit. I recognize others have a different approach but this arrangement works best for us.

That sounds so sad.

I understand most people don't want to be BFFs with their in-laws, but to me they're like aunts/uncles/cousins. Your approach sounds so cold.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need tips for focusing on the good in my inlaws instead of being driven crazy by the annoying things they say and do. They are NOT bad people. I know some here have real inlaw nightmares. They are nice to me and my kids and love their child (my spouse) very much. But when they visit, I am constantly on edge. And I'd like to both be nicer and also feel more relaxed. But when my house is turned upside down, my kids are cranky because their routine has been ignored and they are way over stimulated, and I'm tired because we have no quiet time the things I should ignore drive me nutty.

Anyone BTDT and somehow found a way to be the bigger person?

(PS, if a hotel was an option, we'd be doing great. But they wouldn't ever consider it and we can't really ask them to.)

I feel this way about my own parents a lot. They're retired and have nothing to do. Not an exaggeration. As a result, our phone conversations are very dull, always about what's on the news, going on in Gaza or another state as if they're personally involved. And then if the conversation isn't about national or world events, it's about every little thing their grandchild is doing. "Yes, he's sleeping." "Does he sleep well?" "Yes, I've told you this before, he's doing well when it comes to napping/sleeping through the night." "Did I just hear him say something?" "No, that was the television." And on and on and on.

I find it's hard to be in the same room with them during their visits. They just want to grow old watching DS and do nothing else. I wish they'd understand that DS isn't here to give them a reason to exist. I know they love him so I try to be a better person but that usually involves taking a deep breath and leaving the room when I've had enough or to just avoid another pointless discussion about something in the news.

wow you sound super grumpy. how would it annoy you to have your parents interested in your child's sleep, and to talk about world politics?

whats your ideal conversation? its not like they are talking about neighborhood gossip...

re-read your post honestly you sound super mean, they just want to grow old and do nothing else? what do you want them to do?? join the circus? wow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need tips for focusing on the good in my inlaws instead of being driven crazy by the annoying things they say and do. They are NOT bad people. I know some here have real inlaw nightmares. They are nice to me and my kids and love their child (my spouse) very much. But when they visit, I am constantly on edge. And I'd like to both be nicer and also feel more relaxed. But when my house is turned upside down, my kids are cranky because their routine has been ignored and they are way over stimulated, and I'm tired because we have no quiet time the things I should ignore drive me nutty.

Anyone BTDT and somehow found a way to be the bigger person?

(PS, if a hotel was an option, we'd be doing great. But they wouldn't ever consider it and we can't really ask them to.)

I feel this way about my own parents a lot. They're retired and have nothing to do. Not an exaggeration. As a result, our phone conversations are very dull, always about what's on the news, going on in Gaza or another state as if they're personally involved. And then if the conversation isn't about national or world events, it's about every little thing their grandchild is doing. "Yes, he's sleeping." "Does he sleep well?" "Yes, I've told you this before, he's doing well when it comes to napping/sleeping through the night." "Did I just hear him say something?" "No, that was the television." And on and on and on.

I find it's hard to be in the same room with them during their visits. They just want to grow old watching DS and do nothing else. I wish they'd understand that DS isn't here to give them a reason to exist. I know they love him so I try to be a better person but that usually involves taking a deep breath and leaving the room when I've had enough or to just avoid another pointless discussion about something in the news.

No, I'm not interested in having more than a polite relationship with my ILs. I have no emotional connection with them and feel no need to attempt to force those feelings or to develop them. Perhaps that might change in the future but given who they are, at a minimum, I will continue to maintain boundaries. If DH asks for assistance or would like me to do something, I'm happy to help him but I'm not responsible for their visit just as DH is not responsible for my family's visit. I recognize others have a different approach but this arrangement works best for us.


That sounds so sad.

I understand most people don't want to be BFFs with their in-laws, but to me they're like aunts/uncles/cousins. Your approach sounds so cold.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I understand that your DH is responsible for his relationship with them, but why would you not want to take any ownership for visitors in your home, visitors to whom you are related? My own mom can peeve me, but I still want to be sure that she has a good time when she visits. No, that doesn't mean breaking my back or going to extreme lengths, but still...
Do you not want to have more than a polite relationship with your IL'S or is that impossible for some reason?

No, I'm not interested in having more than a polite relationship with my ILs. I have no emotional connection with them and feel no need to attempt to force those feelings or to develop them. Perhaps that might change in the future but given who they are, at a minimum, I will continue to maintain boundaries. If DH asks for assistance or would like me to do something, I'm happy to help him but I'm not responsible for their visit just as DH is not responsible for my family's visit. I recognize others have a different approach but this arrangement works best for us.

Anonymous wrote:I need tips for focusing on the good in my inlaws instead of being driven crazy by the annoying things they say and do. They are NOT bad people. I know some here have real inlaw nightmares. They are nice to me and my kids and love their child (my spouse) very much. But when they visit, I am constantly on edge. And I'd like to both be nicer and also feel more relaxed. But when my house is turned upside down, my kids are cranky because their routine has been ignored and they are way over stimulated, and I'm tired because we have no quiet time the things I should ignore drive me nutty.

Anyone BTDT and somehow found a way to be the bigger person?

(PS, if a hotel was an option, we'd be doing great. But they wouldn't ever consider it and we can't really ask them to.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I understand that your DH is responsible for his relationship with them, but why would you not want to take any ownership for visitors in your home, visitors to whom you are related? My own mom can peeve me, but I still want to be sure that she has a good time when she visits. No, that doesn't mean breaking my back or going to extreme lengths, but still...
Do you not want to have more than a polite relationship with your IL'S or is that impossible for some reason?