Anonymous wrote:Out of state sibling needs to shut his yap unless he wants to take dad in and care for him. The amount of assets your dad leaves behind should have ZERO effect on the decision about what's best for your dad. Of course everybody wishes your dad wasn't in the shape he's in, but denial is not going to lead to the best outcome for him. I'm betting your sibling just doesn't get it. Maybe he should come visit for two weeks and do all the caretaking for your dad, so he can see what it's actually like.

I'm sorry you and your family are facing this, OP.

+1000

The out of state sibling is looking out for his own be$t intere$t and not that of your father. You and your in state sibling need to do what's best for your father. IGNORE the out of state sibling.

Faraway sibling should not be tested by challenging that he take dad in. He is obviously only thinking about his inheritance and would likely be a terrible, negligent, and cruel "caregiver". Don't give him the chance. Have you guys directly called him out yet? Have you said, "Joe, it seems to us that your priority is preserving the wealth that dad has accumulated rather than prioritizing his health and comfort. Do you see how abhorrent that is? Please focus on dad."

Sibling has obviously been counting on his inheritance as his way of financial planning. Be wary. He will likely do whatever he needs to to protect his "investment" including stealthily getting POA and making the decisions without you. You say dad is still mentally strong (but doesn't communicate well). I think you and other good sibling need to come up with a plan for assisted living, present it to your dad and get him the approve it. Warn dad that Joe is opposed and may try and get dad to change his mind but offer reasons why dad should stick to his plan for assisted living (try not to disparage Joe about his greediness, but rather remind dad that Joe isn't around and doesn't fully grasp the situation).

Our elderly parents strongly resisted moving. A year later, although they haven't thanked us, it does seem that all of their objections have disappeared.

Now in a retirement community w/asl available, they have more social contact walking down the hall to the dining room than they use to have in an entire week.

Anonymous wrote:In a similar situation my grandfather was the one who opposed assisted living. He left a very promising career and moved his family back to his small town. My GM also had to downshift and ultimately take care of ILs. The other two siblings visit rarely, but no one was mad at them - it was my GF who made the choice and took the responsibility for his parents.

Suggest this scenario to your sibling. Let him move to DC and arrange the care.

PP, your GM was a saint. Unless she was from the same small town, she sacrificed a LOT.

Anonymous wrote:Then out of state sibling can come pick up Dad and care for him and has 24 hours to get there and pick up Dad.

No, you do not want to suggest this option. This sibling might take Dad back with him and provide the least care in order to preserve estate proceeds for him/herself.

OP... I have been through this.. You owe it to your dad to make sure he has the best care... Which is a trained health care workers... Which is at the assisted living facility.

Good luck!

Can you hire a home health aide since it's for bathroom assistance?

In a similar situation my grandfather was the one who opposed assisted living. He left a very promising career and moved his family back to his small town. My GM also had to downshift and ultimately take care of ILs. The other two siblings visit rarely, but no one was mad at them - it was my GF who made the choice and took the responsibility for his parents.

Suggest this scenario to your sibling. Let him move to DC and arrange the care.

I feel bad for you, OP, that your sibling is being such a selfish ass. If sibling does not live anywhere near here and has no responsibility for the care of Dad, he does not get a vote.

My in-laws put up a fuss initially when they had to move from their house where they had lived for 50+ yrs to assisted living but now my mil says she wishes they had moved sooner. Do what's best for your father and ignore the greedy pest.

Anonymous wrote:If your father cannot care for himself and you are not able, and he decides not to go, adult protective services can help you.

These are difficult decisions OP. Sorry that your out of state sibling is making a bad time worse.

No, APS will not help. Dad has a home and is fine. We just went through this and tried to get APS involved when I could not get a nursing home to take my MIL on Medicaid. They would only do private pay only.

Op. We just put my MIL in a nursing home. It sucks. One son opposed it but had little contact with mom. The current caretaker, a supposed friend took advantage of her. We just flew out and took her. We had friends in the area who shipped her stuff. Tell brother to either fly out and be a caretaker or it is assisted living. I cared for my MIL for six months. First few months were fine but after 5 I could not do it. I get where the sibling is coming from and support them in getting him into assisted living. My MIL was opposed and very angry at me. A few months later she is happy and they take good care of her. She is much happier there than with us as the kids overwhelmed her.

OP: we were in the same position and for the same reason. What we did not know at the time is: 1) only a judge can declare an adult incompetent, 2) the measure of incompetence is a simple test that can be administered by a notary when your dad signs the paperwork OK ing the expenditure for assisted living. My poor Dad suffered quite a bit form the greedy relative who only wanted his money. Google the test for incompetence -- it is pretty simple. Like what day of the week? Who is President, do you own your home and what is the address? ect

If your father cannot care for himself and you are not able, and he decides not to go, adult protective services can help you.

These are difficult decisions OP. Sorry that your out of state sibling is making a bad time worse.

Anonymous wrote:It's up to the elder - they decide - they decide legally, they sign. I assume they have not been declared incompetent.

Promote what you think is best. Assisted living is a reasonable decision. People shouldn't be faulted for reasonable decisions.

I'm not military but I like the expression - Boots On The Ground. This sibling is not here. Unless they are here, they are offering no solution - no solution they can manage from that distance.

You need to check the legality of assisted living decision and get your dads approval.

Is the out of state sibling willing to come and live with dad to provide that care?

$3500 per month sounds like a bargain. I would go that route. Does the $3500 include the extra care he needs? IME, the $3500 covers the R&B and everything else is additional (bathing, toileting, dressing).