Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last two posters aren't getting it. At all. The point wasn't that it's impossible he's a nice guy married to a shrew, it's that if she isn't angry and bitter in the rest of her life and relationships, it's worth considering why it is that only her husband/marriage is bringing it out in her. Maybe she's just not well-suited to marriage, or maybe there are things about him that contribute to the situation but that aren't obvious to an outside observer. After all, none of us really knows what goes on in someone else's marriage.

Right - just make sure you also post that when women post about their angry exes or men being bitter / angry. - That if the ex gets along with others then it is really the woman that is the problem and not the angry ex. That obviously you don't know what she has done to him in the marriage to make him angry.

You don't know what goes on in someone else's marriage but to assume he must be a bad guy just because the woman is angry is incredibly sexist.

Yep - this is the real feminism. Women will spout how they support men and equality but in threads like this their true beliefs come out, that it isn't possible that a man isn't an asshole or a monster.

Anonymous wrote:Last two posters aren't getting it. At all. The point wasn't that it's impossible he's a nice guy married to a shrew, it's that if she isn't angry and bitter in the rest of her life and relationships, it's worth considering why it is that only her husband/marriage is bringing it out in her. Maybe she's just not well-suited to marriage, or maybe there are things about him that contribute to the situation but that aren't obvious to an outside observer. After all, none of us really knows what goes on in someone else's marriage.

Right - just make sure you also post that when women post about their angry exes or men being bitter / angry. - That if the ex gets along with others then it is really the woman that is the problem and not the angry ex. That obviously you don't know what she has done to him in the marriage to make him angry.

You don't know what goes on in someone else's marriage but to assume he must be a bad guy just because the woman is angry is incredibly sexist.

Last two posters aren't getting it. At all. The point wasn't that it's impossible he's a nice guy married to a shrew, it's that if she isn't angry and bitter in the rest of her life and relationships, it's worth considering why it is that only her husband/marriage is bringing it out in her. Maybe she's just not well-suited to marriage, or maybe there are things about him that contribute to the situation but that aren't obvious to an outside observer. After all, none of us really knows what goes on in someone else's marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would wonder why is STBX is angry and bitter toward him if I were you.

This.

So basically I should assume that my friend is a really sweet and kind woman who just divorced an angry man is actually the cause of his anger and that she is actually a horrible woman underneath it all?

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time believing he's lovely and she's a monster. Think about why that is.

Why - you can't fathom that a man could be a great guy and the woman could be an angry bitter woman?

Could you imagine a scenario where the man is an angry guy and the woman is a great woman?

Or is one person seems nice does it always mean they are a monster in disguise if the other person is angry?

Anonymous wrote:To be honest the only thing I have observed between them is her ordering him around and him scrambling and scraping to do whatever she asked. I gave her a pass during pregnancy but this has continued after their child was born. It's very awkward to witness.

This is a pretty strong judgment without context. Sometimes, one partner will simply abdicate responsibility for taking care of the kids, home, etc. They're willing to do work when told to do it, but won't take any responsibility for remembering that things need to be done and plan for them. My husband can be like that, when we're out places he'll never think about things like making sure they kids get lunch at a reasonable time, the toddler who slept poorly the night before gets a chance for a nap, bathroom stops for the preschooler, diaper changes, make sure the kids have water if we're out somewhere warm, etc. It's all on me to do the work of planning and preparing and making sure these things happen. I'm sure it times it comes across as me ordering him around, but underlying that is a frustration that I'm having to take on all the responsibility for keeping track of it, and not feeling like I should have to plead with him to do what obviously needs to be done. Just do it.

All of this ultimately brings us back to earlier questions, though. If she's generally just a bossy bitch, why are you friends with her? If this isn't her usual behavior with people, what is it about her husband/their marriage that brings it out in her?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would wonder why is STBX is angry and bitter toward him if I were you.

+1

+2

+3. I have a good friend whose DH is a kind and loving father; however, he is extremely LAZY! All outsiders see is a wonderful, kind man. What they do not see is that she does all of the work inside of the house while he sits in his leather chair on his iPad. She can be a bit of a "harpy" to him as she gets really impatient with him so others may see her as "mean" without knowing the whole picture. He can be quite nasty to her when she nags and it is no wonder she gives back as good as she gets.

The only reason I know what is going on is because I have been her friend for over 30 years and am her confidant.

OP back again. Agree with PP who said I was romanticizing him, totally admit that. A while back he and I had a conversation and I realized I haven't had an adult, pleasant conversation with a man for a long time. Most of the time I am dealing with lies and immaturity from child's father or other men in my life. So there's that....

To be honest the only thing I have observed between them is her ordering him around and him scrambling and scraping to do whatever she asked. I gave her a pass during pregnancy but this has continued after their child was born. It's very awkward to witness.

I have another friend who is demanding and always orders her husband around and puts him down. I think she is angry with her husband because he can be emotionally distant.

I don't know what is going on here with either, but both (female) friends are normal and very kind with me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would wonder why is STBX is angry and bitter toward him if I were you.

+1

+2

+3. I have a good friend whose DH is a kind and loving father; however, he is extremely LAZY! All outsiders see is a wonderful, kind man. What they do not see is that she does all of the work inside of the house while he sits in his leather chair on his iPad. She can be a bit of a "harpy" to him as she gets really impatient with him so others may see her as "mean" without knowing the whole picture. He can be quite nasty to her when she nags and it is no wonder she gives back as good as she gets.

The only reason I know what is going on is because I have been her friend for over 30 years and am her confidant.

Anonymous wrote:I would wonder why is STBX is angry and bitter toward him if I were you.

This.

Anonymous wrote:I will put in my.02 here. My dh looks like the nicest guy in the world to the outside world. OMG i used to love it. He is such an ass to me in private. In the beginning I used to constantly think I was crazy. He was chipping away my self esteem, and looked like a great catch to others

He sounds like a sociopath. They are like that. Can you get a divorce and take everything you can?

I will put in my.02 here. My dh looks like the nicest guy in the world to the outside world. OMG i used to love it. He is such an ass to me in private. In the beginning I used to constantly think I was crazy. He was chipping away my self esteem, and looked like a great catch to others

I have a good friend whose parents divorced and their best friends who they went on every vacation with divorced and they eventually married each others ex! It was painful for a few years, but 25 years later, all are happy! You never know!

My mom remarried my best friend's dad. It was a little awkward at first, and they didn't marry until we were all out of the house, but he's great and my mom is super happy. My step sisters and I are already close, so that is nice as well.

Soon to be ex-wife of a man that comes across kind and sweet like the man you describe. Proceed slowly, with caution, once he is divorced and perhaps had time to evaluate his own role in the demise of his marriage.

Remember, there are always three sides to a story: her side, his side, and the truth. People don't show the same face to friends that they do to their significant other behind closed doors. He may be the nice guy you see or has secretly tormented that woman in ways you couldn't imagine, leading her to build up an armor of bitterness. In my case, it's the latter. He's a great salesperson, telling and showing people what they want to believe...nothing genuine.

Don't make my mistake. Go in with your eyes open and hopefully, he's genuine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would wonder why is STBX is angry and bitter toward him if I were you.

+1

+2