PP - I'm the same way. Having my kids and re-examining my own childhood made me question my parents much more. I don't hold it against them now (because you can't change the past) but it has taken the sheen off them to some degree.

For example, when my dad got remarried, he and his new wife moved to CA from OH. I lived in NY. It really bothers me now, as an adult, that he had an opportunity to move and chose to move to CA. Why wouldn't he choose to move to NY or at least closer to me? And I think the answer is complicated and multifaceted but it really bothers me. I would never choose to move further away from my child.

I'm the opposite. A few years after having my own kids, I was re-traumatized by the horrors of my childhood. My youngest was the same age that I was when I could recall my first memories. Until that point, I thought my mother was a victim almost as much as my siblings and I were. Looking at my kids, I could believe she didn't do more to protect us. If anyone, particularly their father, had done to my kids what my father did to us, I'd literally kill him. My mother did nothing. I was 43, thought I'd put the past behind me but had to go back to counseling because I was so overwhelmed by the feelings it generated.

As far as feeling like an adult, well, I don't ever remember being much of a child. I have to say, OP, when you lament that your parents never helped you learn to make friends or discuss romantic love, I roll my eyes. I don't mean that in a snarky way but just at your lack of understanding of how good you actually had it.

Are you socially inept, OP, You needed to e told how to make friends. As I remember my teen years and my first" romantic" love and there was zip that my parents could have done to change my mind that he was a jerk. Instead they kept quiet and were there to give me a shoulder to cry on when I found out on my own.

FYI, there is no such thing as a perfect parent and one day your children will let you know what a colossal failure you were.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:all of a sudden I'm going through memories that pop into my head of my childhood, and I say honestly to myself, what my parents did is not the right thing to do. Why the hell did they do that?

Anyone else done the same? I had an overall healthy childhood, but parents are not perfect. They tried their darndest to hide it though.

For example, they never helped me learn how to make friends. They never really explained or showed what romantic love is.

I was a confused teenager.

What should they have done to show you or explain what romantic love is?

Or show you how to make friends?

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. I feel like I've had kind of the opposite realization. I'm an adult, because I have greater forgiveness for my parents and realize more and more that although they made lots of mistakes, that they were still trying. I have more empathy for their errors.

+1 exactly

Anonymous wrote:all of a sudden I'm going through memories that pop into my head of my childhood, and I say honestly to myself, what my parents did is not the right thing to do. Why the hell did they do that?

Anyone else done the same? I had an overall healthy childhood, but parents are not perfect. They tried their darndest to hide it though.

For example, they never helped me learn how to make friends. They never really explained or showed what romantic love is.

I was a confused teenager.

What should they have done to show you or explain what romantic love is?

Anonymous wrote:all of a sudden I'm going through memories that pop into my head of my childhood, and I say honestly to myself, what my parents did is not the right thing to do. Why the hell did they do that?

Anyone else done the same? I had an overall healthy childhood, but parents are not perfect. They tried their darndest to hide it though.

For example, they never helped me learn how to make friends. They never really explained or showed what romantic love is.

I was a confused teenager.

Boohoo. So you have no friends or romantic love now? Or did you maybe figure it out on your own?

Anonymous wrote:Having my own children was a watershed time for me, as I really understood for the first time how misguided some of my parents' actions were. My kids aren't perfect, but I'm pleased to say they've benefitted from the insight I gained about how to be a better parent than my folks were. The price paid is realizing just how effed up my mom and dad were in certain ways. That's been a challenge to come to terms with. Still working on it at age 53.

Same here but I'm 35

Anonymous wrote:Ummm....No. And this is not what equates to be an adult. My parents made mistakes, they are human. I make mistakes with my kids and I hope they will grow up to understand I did the best I could at the time. But, no, I don't dwell on the mistakes my parents made, nor do I feel superior to them.

This is OP again, and I agree with the person that said that they have empathy for their parents and their decisions. I 100% agree. In my original post, I wasn't trying to be negative at all, just trying to express my surprise (which I apparently failed to do).

I only meant that I feel like an adult because I'm putting myself in their shoes now, thinking through their situations and decisions, and trying to make sense of some of the things they did. That's all. Still love them. They were great and still are.

I guess my reflection is also on the changing times. They grew up in the 50s and are models of conformity to a great extent. Their world was very different from mine. They did not benefit from many resources I have as parents (like the internet, mom groups, etc.)

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. I feel like I've had kind of the opposite realization. I'm an adult, because I have greater forgiveness for my parents and realize more and more that although they made lots of mistakes, that they were still trying. I have more empathy for their errors.

This is how I feel too. And I hope it's how my children will feel about me. Some of these PPs are so judgey.

15:10, Damn. That is truly terrible and I'm sorry. I'm glad you made it to adulthood.