Anonymous
08/20/2014 23:11
Subject: Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
Youngest here... I get the dynamic you are complaining about. It bothers my husband a lot with some of the stuff my parents do and say to me. I've pulled back from them sadly - still see them often but I just accepted them for who they are and we avoid family gatherings with my sister as I always get picked on and bullied (to the point my husband had enough and we left - I would have never done it on my own but he go up, got my stuff and said lets go or i'll get you later - I loved him for it and we left and went out to have a nice meal). They aren't going to change so you have to find ways to live with it.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 22:27
Subject: Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
Anonymous wrote:Fellow youngest offspring in their family, I need your input/support. DH's mother does not seem to realize his actual age (older than she was when she had him), and tries to treat him as if he is still 10 years old. I need to know what fellow youngest offspring in their family have done to correct this problem. In other words, I really don't need posters who are NOT the youngest in their family to pile it on, thanks anyway.
I am looking for problem solving ideas, ways to be short and sweet when DH is attacked for no reason, doubted, ordered around, demanded from, told what to do, constantly taken down a few pegs rather needlessly, etc. I think the problem is that DH is too nice and also too generous with his family. The mom is kind of on the bitter side, and tends to not treat DH as if he is as much part of the family. As far as I know, there is no real reason for this, other than she may need a scapegoat for her perception of her life. For example, she treats strangers as if they are more family than DH (I am a by product, apparently, but I try to take her with a grain of salt, as she is less significant to me). As for me, I try, I am kind, but I keep it brief.
I realize DH should be standing up to her, but he tries to be kind because of her age. She has always been this way, and it is getting worse. As I mentioned, I believe she takes advantage of his kindness and generosity. Ideas?
I don't think a youngest thing either. How old is his mom? If she is really old maybe don't encourage him to get in a fight with her or he will regret it and even resent you for it. However, you can very nicely defend him in joking ways but still get your point across. Whenever she attacks him, reply with something positive about him. She'll get the point or not but he will at least appreciate your attempt.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 20:01
Subject: Re:Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
I'm the youngest and had similar issues with my mom and siblings -- throughout my childhood everyone ignored me, talked over me when I was speaking, I never had any input in family decisions. I was laughed at, teased and derided on a pretty consistent basis.
I moved out in my early 20s; once I had a place of my own, I just didn't put up with that treatment anymore. When I visited my parents, if my mom or my siblings did anything that made me uncomfortable I would simply stand up, kiss everyone goodbye and leave. For a while they laughed at that too and it was a family joke, but after a year or so they actually started correcting each other -- "Wait, cut that comment short/don't do that, you know L will leave."
Your DH has to be willing to stand up for himself in some way -- it doesn't have to be argumentative, but he needs to set boundaries. Unfortunately you can't do that for him. Kudos on being a supportive partner though
.
I moved out in my early 20s; once I had a place of my own, I just didn't put up with that treatment anymore. When I visited my parents, if my mom or my siblings did anything that made me uncomfortable I would simply stand up, kiss everyone goodbye and leave. For a while they laughed at that too and it was a family joke, but after a year or so they actually started correcting each other -- "Wait, cut that comment short/don't do that, you know L will leave."
Your DH has to be willing to stand up for himself in some way -- it doesn't have to be argumentative, but he needs to set boundaries. Unfortunately you can't do that for him. Kudos on being a supportive partner though
.
Anonymous
08/19/2014 10:16
Subject: Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
Lack of respect has nothing to do with birth order. I am the youngest and the only girl and my older brothers have learned to respect me. And my parents have always respected me. Your IL's are f'd up and your DH needs serious therapy.
Anonymous
08/19/2014 10:11
Subject: Re:Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
Anonymous wrote:I have been to lots of therapy.
It is a birth order thing. Either you are treated like you are still 10 and stupid or your treated like the golden child and everything is handed to you on a silver platter ( and your siblings hate you because they had the opposite experience).
Once on a family vacation, my H and I were going to take our kids out on a boat we had rented and my oldest brother would not let us go without a chaperone. After explaining I was 35 and did not need a chaperone and my H explaining to my brother we paid for the boat too, my brother gave us our $200 and would not give us the keys. Even though another long time family friend who had stopped by and told my brother he was acting crazy.
We left the next day.
That was our last family vacation.
I don't see them basically. Once our kids were older I had cousin parties so the cousins could still get to know each other. When asked why I simply told my older siblings I didn't really like them enough to have them over my house.
They changed their attitude when they needed somebody to take care of my dad when he was dying.
You can't make them treat him differently you can only change how you react, if it is toxic... Stay away.
This isn't about birth order. It's about respect. Your brother does not respect you -- but it has nothing to do with birth order. He sounds like a jerk.
Anonymous
08/19/2014 03:26
Subject: Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both the youngest. Our siblings always say how spoiled we were! So I don't think this is a birth order issue, OP.
Truth.
--An Oldest
+1
--A middle child
Anonymous
08/12/2014 12:55
Subject: Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
OP here. I relate to the last two posts, thank you! And keep them coming! Also, I noticed the other post about "visiting your IL's and DH acts like an arsehole" - that's my DH!
Anonymous
08/11/2014 14:04
Subject: Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
Middle child here - it's likely a personality-based thing, not a birth-order thing. I was treated like an incapable toddler all my life--even to the point that my parents decided what college I went to. I always felt like I had to listen to their advice because they knew what was best for me. It turns out they just never helped me make any decisions on my own (or taught me how to bounce back from failure) because they held my hand every step of the way.
I had to majorly pull back because it was hurting my marriage and other friendships. It hurt them but I have a lot more confidence in my own decisions and am able to say "no" to them even if it might hurt their feelings.
I had to majorly pull back because it was hurting my marriage and other friendships. It hurt them but I have a lot more confidence in my own decisions and am able to say "no" to them even if it might hurt their feelings.
Anonymous
08/09/2014 07:28
Subject: Re:Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
I have been to lots of therapy.
It is a birth order thing. Either you are treated like you are still 10 and stupid or your treated like the golden child and everything is handed to you on a silver platter ( and your siblings hate you because they had the opposite experience).
Once on a family vacation, my H and I were going to take our kids out on a boat we had rented and my oldest brother would not let us go without a chaperone. After explaining I was 35 and did not need a chaperone and my H explaining to my brother we paid for the boat too, my brother gave us our $200 and would not give us the keys. Even though another long time family friend who had stopped by and told my brother he was acting crazy.
We left the next day.
That was our last family vacation.
I don't see them basically. Once our kids were older I had cousin parties so the cousins could still get to know each other. When asked why I simply told my older siblings I didn't really like them enough to have them over my house.
They changed their attitude when they needed somebody to take care of my dad when he was dying.
You can't make them treat him differently you can only change how you react, if it is toxic... Stay away.
It is a birth order thing. Either you are treated like you are still 10 and stupid or your treated like the golden child and everything is handed to you on a silver platter ( and your siblings hate you because they had the opposite experience).
Once on a family vacation, my H and I were going to take our kids out on a boat we had rented and my oldest brother would not let us go without a chaperone. After explaining I was 35 and did not need a chaperone and my H explaining to my brother we paid for the boat too, my brother gave us our $200 and would not give us the keys. Even though another long time family friend who had stopped by and told my brother he was acting crazy.
We left the next day.
That was our last family vacation.
I don't see them basically. Once our kids were older I had cousin parties so the cousins could still get to know each other. When asked why I simply told my older siblings I didn't really like them enough to have them over my house.
They changed their attitude when they needed somebody to take care of my dad when he was dying.
You can't make them treat him differently you can only change how you react, if it is toxic... Stay away.
Anonymous
08/09/2014 06:37
Subject: Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
Anonymous wrote:This has nothing to do with birth order. I am the youngest, and I get more respect than any of my siblings,
Same here.
Anonymous
08/08/2014 20:25
Subject: Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
I'm the youngest in my family, and like the other posters have said, I'm not mistreated due to my birth order.
Anonymous
08/06/2014 13:49
Subject: Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both the youngest. Our siblings always say how spoiled we were! So I don't think this is a birth order issue, OP.
Truth.
--An Oldest
Anonymous
08/06/2014 13:41
Subject: Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
DH and I are both the youngest. Our siblings always say how spoiled we were! So I don't think this is a birth order issue, OP.
Anonymous
08/06/2014 12:37
Subject: Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
Anonymous wrote:I'm the youngest and my family treats me like shit. Criticizes me, doesn't loop me in on decision-making, excludes me. I don't think I'll ever be able to change that. I wouldn't attempt to if I were you.
Same here. Given no respect even though I am just as successful as older brother and sister. Still treated by all like the baby they want to take care of.
Anonymous
08/06/2014 11:18
Subject: Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in
Anonymous wrote:I am the youngest and have never been treated in the way that you describe. I agree that this is not a birth order issue. It's a question of him standing up to her and meaning it.
Another +1 from someone who is the youngest.