Anonymous wrote:A deadbeat father will be a deadbeat grandfather, why put your grandchild through the hassle and disappointment?

+1. I really feel for you and your boy, OP, but this is a wise observation. Generally, people don't change. Take time to reflect on these comments before deciding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frequently, bad parents turn out to be phenomenal grandparents. Let him know and see what happens.

But wouldn't you think that would make you feel even worse - to know that your father deliberately missed everything with you and then miraculously became wonderful when you were grown? I'd be heartbroken.

NP here. My FIL was a pretty lousy dad by most reports...he and MIL didn't divorce till DH was in HS, but he was a workaholic and really focused on the genius talent of one of the four kids, almost ignoring the other 3. When my DSD was born 20 years ago, he was a pretty absent grandfather too, but he was still working then and a workaholic. Now, we have a toddler and he's an incredibly loving grandfather. He retired, mellowed, his priorities changed, etc. DH is sometimes very angry and bitter about it, esp. for his daughter, since he's a much better grandfather to our son. But people do sometimes grow and change in good ways, so allowing the chance for more love in the world for your child is a risk worth taking, I think.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frequently, bad parents turn out to be phenomenal grandparents. Let him know and see what happens.

But wouldn't you think that would make you feel even worse - to know that your father deliberately missed everything with you and then miraculously became wonderful when you were grown? I'd be heartbroken.

OP here. I wouldnt be heartbroken. I'd actually be happy to know that perhaps he finally realized what the important things in life are and decided to be a true man.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A deadbeat father will be a deadbeat grandfather, why put your grandchild through the hassle and disappointment?

+1

OP is hoping he will suddenly become a stellar father and grandfather. Not going to happen, OP. Sorry, but chances are, he will be a deadbeat to your child as well. Don't set yourself up for another heartbreak. He is a loser and cut your losses.

Focus on your child and DH. They are your family now.

Nope. I KNOW he won't be a stellar father, but I was wondering if I should give him the opportunity to be a good grandfather.

But I think I should trust my instinct. We have enough family friends in common that he'll hear at some point (if he hasn't already) that I had a child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave him alone if you do not know the full story. My husband's ex told his kids he was a deadbeat and not interested. She ruined their relationship by not allowing visits. The only contact was if the child support check was a day late (garnishment depending on the job so nothing he could do anyway) or to demand more money. She cheated on him and left him for the boyfriend. The kids think he cheated on her. Its lovely to say the least. My husband has a distant relationship with his youngest. He tries and tries with the kids and they refuse (now it is more the girlfriend than the kid) and one just had a kid. They could contact us for money and gifts but when he calls or emails they refuse to answer except for when they want something. He wishes he would have never reinitiated contact as its just too painful. If you have not wanted him in your life this long, why start now?

BS. He could have gotten a court order to see his kids, but DIDN'T, so HE WAS ACTING like a dead beat dad by not being there. The kids were not being brainwashed. Your DH should have stepped up and done the right thing for the sake of his kids.

It doesn't always work that way. My coworker has been trying to see his 17 year old daughter since she was 13. She refuses and her mom does not force her to see him. He calls, he emails, he sends certified letters. She has blocked his number on her cell. She hangs up when he alls the house. Short of physically ambushing her, there is nothing more he can do. He has been to court numerous times to force compliance with visitation, ask for mandatory family therapy, etc, and nothing happens. In fact, at the last custody hearing the judge basically removed the visitation requirement entirely and said it is up to the daughter but that the mother must not inhibit contact in any way. Of course the mother has told her all sorts of really toxic information -- some of it true, such as that he had an emotional affair before the divorce -- but it's stuff that no kid should know. He does still see his son regularly and in fact won more custody of his son.

So it's not always true that a court is going to force something, especially with a teen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frequently, bad parents turn out to be phenomenal grandparents. Let him know and see what happens.

But wouldn't you think that would make you feel even worse - to know that your father deliberately missed everything with you and then miraculously became wonderful when you were grown? I'd be heartbroken.

I don't think it's deliberate at all, I think many times it's seeing what you did wrong after quite a few years of life and experiences, at least that's how it was for my DH and FIL.

Anonymous wrote:Frequently, bad parents turn out to be phenomenal grandparents. Let him know and see what happens.

But wouldn't you think that would make you feel even worse - to know that your father deliberately missed everything with you and then miraculously became wonderful when you were grown? I'd be heartbroken.

Frequently, bad parents turn out to be phenomenal grandparents. Let him know and see what happens.

Anonymous wrote:Leave him alone if you do not know the full story. My husband's ex told his kids he was a deadbeat and not interested. She ruined their relationship by not allowing visits. The only contact was if the child support check was a day late (garnishment depending on the job so nothing he could do anyway) or to demand more money. She cheated on him and left him for the boyfriend. The kids think he cheated on her. Its lovely to say the least. My husband has a distant relationship with his youngest. He tries and tries with the kids and they refuse (now it is more the girlfriend than the kid) and one just had a kid. They could contact us for money and gifts but when he calls or emails they refuse to answer except for when they want something. He wishes he would have never reinitiated contact as its just too painful. If you have not wanted him in your life this long, why start now?

BS. He could have gotten a court order to see his kids, but DIDN'T, so HE WAS ACTING like a dead beat dad by not being there. The kids were not being brainwashed. Your DH should have stepped up and done the right thing for the sake of his kids.

Anonymous wrote:A deadbeat father will be a deadbeat grandfather, why put your grandchild through the hassle and disappointment?

+1

OP is hoping he will suddenly become a stellar father and grandfather. Not going to happen, OP. Sorry, but chances are, he will be a deadbeat to your child as well. Don't set yourself up for another heartbreak. He is a loser and cut your losses.

Focus on your child and DH. They are your family now.

He is that close and hasn't contacted you in 13 years? I think you have your answer. I think you want something magical for your child that is never going to be there in reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in this position now.
Although its been only 3 years. (She is 20)
I'm just worried he will continue to disappoint
Her and in time disappoint her child.
You could always send a birth announcemt and let him
make the first move.
In my ex husbands case the new wife forbids contact with my daughter.

I've thought about doing this as well, but I guess I'm scared about him not responding and then being very angry.

It strikes me that you should only send a birth announcement because you think he may want to know, not because you're hoping he will respond and be at least a little of the dad you wish he'd been.

I am hoping that he would respond and be a good grandfather, but Im concerned that he wont which would make me angry at myself for reaching out against my better judgement.

OP here again. To provide a bit more context. When I got married, he wasnt invited, but a mutual family friend who was invited told him in hopes that he would reach out to me. He did not, which didnt surprise me, but they were very shocked. Similarly, when I graduated from high school, I sent him an invitation, but he did not show up.

He may have thought you didn't want him there. My husband would not have gone too, partly out of the drama with his ex being so nasty and partly thinking the kids didn't want him. He would assume the invitation was for a gift and send a small gift/money.

Leave him alone if you do not know the full story. My husband's ex told his kids he was a deadbeat and not interested. She ruined their relationship by not allowing visits. The only contact was if the child support check was a day late (garnishment depending on the job so nothing he could do anyway) or to demand more money. She cheated on him and left him for the boyfriend. The kids think he cheated on her. Its lovely to say the least. My husband has a distant relationship with his youngest. He tries and tries with the kids and they refuse (now it is more the girlfriend than the kid) and one just had a kid. They could contact us for money and gifts but when he calls or emails they refuse to answer except for when they want something. He wishes he would have never reinitiated contact as its just too painful. If you have not wanted him in your life this long, why start now?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in this position now.
Although its been only 3 years. (She is 20)
I'm just worried he will continue to disappoint
Her and in time disappoint her child.
You could always send a birth announcemt and let him
make the first move.
In my ex husbands case the new wife forbids contact with my daughter.

I've thought about doing this as well, but I guess I'm scared about him not responding and then being very angry.

It strikes me that you should only send a birth announcement because you think he may want to know, not because you're hoping he will respond and be at least a little of the dad you wish he'd been.

I am hoping that he would respond and be a good grandfather, but Im concerned that he wont which would make me angry at myself for reaching out against my better judgement.

OP here again. To provide a bit more context. When I got married, he wasnt invited, but a mutual family friend who was invited told him in hopes that he would reach out to me. He did not, which didnt surprise me, but they were very shocked. Similarly, when I graduated from high school, I sent him an invitation, but he did not show up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in this position now.
Although its been only 3 years. (She is 20)
I'm just worried he will continue to disappoint
Her and in time disappoint her child.
You could always send a birth announcemt and let him
make the first move.
In my ex husbands case the new wife forbids contact with my daughter.

I've thought about doing this as well, but I guess I'm scared about him not responding and then being very angry.

It strikes me that you should only send a birth announcement because you think he may want to know, not because you're hoping he will respond and be at least a little of the dad you wish he'd been.

I am hoping that he would respond and be a good grandfather, but Im concerned that he wont which would make me angry at myself for reaching out against my better judgement.