Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 13:29     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Anonymous wrote:OP never says she has told her mother not to do it. She says she fixes it after her mother leaves. (Second poster says her mother does it too and she's asked her to stop) Entirely different situations.


You are mistaken. OP did say she has asked, and adds that she's less upset when she reconciled herself to the fact that the behavior isn't going to change:


OP here. I've asked her countless times not to move things. In recent years, I only say it halfheartedly since I've come to accept that she isn't going to change her ways. I used to get pretty worked up about it, but find that I'm much less upset about it now that I have no real expectations of change.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 13:25     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Geez, the mother is not doing this to annoy her daughter. She thinks she is helping. No need to snap at someone who thinks that they are helping you. Man, how were some of y'all raised?


Really? After years of being told not to, how does the mom still think she's being helpful? Mom can be a big girl and say, "So, DD, I understand you don't want me to re-arrange things, but is there some other way I could be of use? I'd love to keep my hands busy when I'm over and do something that would truly be helpful?"

How hard is it to say that?


Sorry.....we don't agree. You are putting the onus on her mother - I think some of it belongs on OP. Sure, mom was not trying to annoy OP and intent is a HUGE factor in my book. OP knows her mother and should have had some alternative projects in anticipation of her mother being there. Obviously just telling her mother over the years did not work - you have to adapt.

But then again, I love and respect my mom to a fault and this minor issue would not be worth damaging the relationship over. My mother is elderly OCD and having a productive relationship with her in her golden years is more important than me chastising her for trying to be helpful.

I am honestly glad that OP does regret how she handled it. Not because I think she was wrong, but because I think the relationship is too important.


PP you're responding to... You mention your mother has OCD, so you're dealing with it in the context of a diagnosed, I presume, mental illness. That seems like a different situation, where you'd have different expectations of what the older person is able to do. Would you suggest the OP treat it like her mom has a mental problem? I actually wondered about that, given the older mom's inability to control herself...like there's some kind of anxiety playing out here.


PP here. Honestly, when I read the OP, I immediately "diagnosed" OCD and I thought of my mother's doctor telling me that there is a "trend" of people first displaying signs at an advanced age. It came up in a situation similar to this, where my mom recently started cleaning up after everyone immediately. It was "annoying" I guess, but I never thought to snap at her about it - our relationship is just not that way. I was able to corner her doctor about it and he said he sees it alot in older people (my mom is 75). So...maybe I am just more sensitive about it than others.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 13:25     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
OP never says she has told her mother not to do it. She says she fixes it after her mother leaves. (Second poster says her mother does it too and she's asked her to stop) Entirely different situations.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 12:58     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Anonymous wrote:Interesting because some of you are still in the "mode" of proving to your mom that you are an adult, it is your house, not her place, etc. So you think it is justified to "bark" at another adult. If you barked at me and did not apologize, that would be the last time I would help you do anything. Something like this does not give you license to treat someone rudely.

OP, I went through similar things with my mom - but I never really reached a good place until I learned that my mother is just another adult like I am. Apologize for the outburst, tell her that you appreciate her wanting to make things easier for you but her moving things bothers you and causes you stress.


Ha ha, I think OP would like that.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 12:45     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Geez, the mother is not doing this to annoy her daughter. She thinks she is helping. No need to snap at someone who thinks that they are helping you. Man, how were some of y'all raised?


Really? After years of being told not to, how does the mom still think she's being helpful? Mom can be a big girl and say, "So, DD, I understand you don't want me to re-arrange things, but is there some other way I could be of use? I'd love to keep my hands busy when I'm over and do something that would truly be helpful?"

How hard is it to say that?


Sorry.....we don't agree. You are putting the onus on her mother - I think some of it belongs on OP. Sure, mom was not trying to annoy OP and intent is a HUGE factor in my book. OP knows her mother and should have had some alternative projects in anticipation of her mother being there. Obviously just telling her mother over the years did not work - you have to adapt.

But then again, I love and respect my mom to a fault and this minor issue would not be worth damaging the relationship over. My mother is elderly OCD and having a productive relationship with her in her golden years is more important than me chastising her for trying to be helpful.

I am honestly glad that OP does regret how she handled it. Not because I think she was wrong, but because I think the relationship is too important.


PP you're responding to... You mention your mother has OCD, so you're dealing with it in the context of a diagnosed, I presume, mental illness. That seems like a different situation, where you'd have different expectations of what the older person is able to do. Would you suggest the OP treat it like her mom has a mental problem? I actually wondered about that, given the older mom's inability to control herself...like there's some kind of anxiety playing out here.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 12:41     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Geez, the mother is not doing this to annoy her daughter. She thinks she is helping. No need to snap at someone who thinks that they are helping you. Man, how were some of y'all raised?


Really? After years of being told not to, how does the mom still think she's being helpful? Mom can be a big girl and say, "So, DD, I understand you don't want me to re-arrange things, but is there some other way I could be of use? I'd love to keep my hands busy when I'm over and do something that would truly be helpful?"

How hard is it to say that?


Sorry.....we don't agree. You are putting the onus on her mother - I think some of it belongs on OP. Sure, mom was not trying to annoy OP and intent is a HUGE factor in my book. OP knows her mother and should have had some alternative projects in anticipation of her mother being there. Obviously just telling her mother over the years did not work - you have to adapt.

But then again, I love and respect my mom to a fault and this minor issue would not be worth damaging the relationship over. My mother is elderly OCD and having a productive relationship with her in her golden years is more important than me chastising her for trying to be helpful.

I am honestly glad that OP does regret how she handled it. Not because I think she was wrong, but because I think the relationship is too important.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 12:34     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Geez, the mother is not doing this to annoy her daughter. She thinks she is helping. No need to snap at someone who thinks that they are helping you. Man, how were some of y'all raised?


Really? After years of being told not to, how does the mom still think she's being helpful? Mom can be a big girl and say, "So, DD, I understand you don't want me to re-arrange things, but is there some other way I could be of use? I'd love to keep my hands busy when I'm over and do something that would truly be helpful?"

How hard is it to say that?


The point is, mom is not doing those things. The OP has mostly accepted this quirky behavior with good grace, but got annoyed and snapped at her mother. Now she feels terrible, so my advice is to apologize for snapping.

When the mother writes DCUM about how she is rearranging her daughter's drawers and her daughter seems ungrateful and snappish, we can give the mother your advice.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 12:22     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Anonymous wrote:Geez, the mother is not doing this to annoy her daughter. She thinks she is helping. No need to snap at someone who thinks that they are helping you. Man, how were some of y'all raised?


Really? After years of being told not to, how does the mom still think she's being helpful? Mom can be a big girl and say, "So, DD, I understand you don't want me to re-arrange things, but is there some other way I could be of use? I'd love to keep my hands busy when I'm over and do something that would truly be helpful?"

How hard is it to say that?
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 12:11     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Geez, the mother is not doing this to annoy her daughter. She thinks she is helping. No need to snap at someone who thinks that they are helping you. Man, how were some of y'all raised?
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 12:10     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Are you my dog, OP?
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 12:08     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Interesting because some of you are still in the "mode" of proving to your mom that you are an adult, it is your house, not her place, etc. So you think it is justified to "bark" at another adult. If you barked at me and did not apologize, that would be the last time I would help you do anything. Something like this does not give you license to treat someone rudely.

OP, I went through similar things with my mom - but I never really reached a good place until I learned that my mother is just another adult like I am. Apologize for the outburst, tell her that you appreciate her wanting to make things easier for you but her moving things bothers you and causes you stress.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 12:03     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
It's not that the mom has an annoying habit that is out of her control. It is a specific thing she chooses to do. Who goes into drawers and rearranges clothes in someone else's home?! You can easily CHOOSE not to do that.

OP, maybe you could have said it nicer, but I think it needed to be said.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 11:50     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why should OP apologize? Her mother continued doing something she'd been asked for years not to do, and which bothered OP for years. What is stopping her from continuing? If people don't make it clear they are getting more and more upset when using a normal tone of voice isn't working, what is OP supposed to do?


Because once you realize a beloved family member is never going to stop doing their annoying behavior, it is on you to change your reaction. Fighting and escalating is not the only solution--some people can move past relatively trivial annoyances like rearranged drawers. It's not like her mother is shooting pistols at dinnertime.


I would be annoyed that she rearranged my things and doubly annoyed at my objections being ignored for years.


Right, so you know that your objections are NEVER going to be honored. What's next, indeed? You could continue to object and feel angry, you could stop inviting her, or you could get over it. It sounds like you are voting for continuing to feel angry. That would not be my choice, but to each their own.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 11:46     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why should OP apologize? Her mother continued doing something she'd been asked for years not to do, and which bothered OP for years. What is stopping her from continuing? If people don't make it clear they are getting more and more upset when using a normal tone of voice isn't working, what is OP supposed to do?


Because once you realize a beloved family member is never going to stop doing their annoying behavior, it is on you to change your reaction. Fighting and escalating is not the only solution--some people can move past relatively trivial annoyances like rearranged drawers. It's not like her mother is shooting pistols at dinnertime.


I would be annoyed that she rearranged my things and doubly annoyed at my objections being ignored for years.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2014 11:43     Subject: I barked at my mom. I feel terrible.
Anonymous wrote:Why should OP apologize? Her mother continued doing something she'd been asked for years not to do, and which bothered OP for years. What is stopping her from continuing? If people don't make it clear they are getting more and more upset when using a normal tone of voice isn't working, what is OP supposed to do?


Because once you realize a beloved family member is never going to stop doing their annoying behavior, it is on you to change your reaction. Fighting and escalating is not the only solution--some people can move past relatively trivial annoyances like rearranged drawers. It's not like her mother is shooting pistols at dinnertime.