My in-laws live with us. It works because they are non-intrusive, don't compete with me or preach. They do everything with the best of intentions and at the end of the day, for me, intention is what matters. Our differences can be a challenge (she collects things and I throw things away, they are not communicators and I am, they are thrifty to a fault and we are indulgent, FIL has never told DH he loves him and we are overly affectionate to our DS...) but we make it work and, in general, truly love each other.

I think there are some DSs that deliberately choose DWs who are very different from their mums. I have seen DHs with rather weak, meek, bitter, cold, ditzy mums - choose wives that are strong, smart, independent, warm and kind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes 2 to have a relationship. The women I know who really dislike their MILs have issues as well.

+1

MINUS A THOUSAND. Get your own thread, MILs!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree strongly with the helping. I've noticed that when my MIL comes to visit or when we are all on vacation, she is always sitting, waiting to be served and catered to. A particular vacation sticks out where we rented a large OBX-type house and needed to be out of the house and have everything cleaned up in an hour. She sat on the couch and read the paper. Everyone around her was frantically doing dishes, collecting trash, making laundry piles.

And she sat there.

Did she pay for the trip. Not cool if she contributed nothing, but totally understand if she contributed by paying.

I don't get this thinking at all. I would rather her accept a contribution if she is going to have a chip on her shoulder about some crap vacation, that I don't even have interest in. Why the hell would I suddenly be the maid? No thanks.

Anonymous wrote:Offer to pay for a meal every now and then when visiting! Your visits cost us a fortune.

How much does it cost her to visit?

Anonymous wrote:I agree strongly with the helping. I've noticed that when my MIL comes to visit or when we are all on vacation, she is always sitting, waiting to be served and catered to. A particular vacation sticks out where we rented a large OBX-type house and needed to be out of the house and have everything cleaned up in an hour. She sat on the couch and read the paper. Everyone around her was frantically doing dishes, collecting trash, making laundry piles.

And she sat there.

Did she pay for the trip. Not cool if she contributed nothing, but totally understand if she contributed by paying.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is pretty darn good. Not perfect, but who is?

Things she does right
- Does not meddle or criticize. There are things she certainly doesn't agree with us on, some of them big ones (e.g. us not raising our children in the church) but she has never brought it up. She will regularly volunteer to take our kids to church though, which we allow. If we told her we didn't want her to, I'm sure she would be disappointed, but wouldn't complain.
- Loves our kids. Spoils them just enough, but never undermines our parenting. Volunteers to babysit them if we need childcare coverage or for a weekend away.
- Is kind and non-judgemental. Regularly compliments me and the kids and does things like send a nice card and thoughtful gift on my birthday (which my own parents don't!). Seemingly enjoys spending time with us, but does not overstay her welcome.

Do we have the same one!? Mine is just like this - incredibly supportive, and non judgy. Also, she really wants to know the kids, not just use them as show ponies (that would be MY mother.)

Anonymous wrote:It takes 2 to have a relationship. The women I know who really dislike their MILs have issues as well.

+1

Offer to pay for a meal every now and then when visiting! Your visits cost us a fortune.

I probably won't have this issue as I have daughters, but here's why my MIL is great:
-My MIL knows her son isn't perfect and knows I love him, so she takes my side when he's acting like a doofus.
-I don't think my ILs ever saw me as taking their son away from them, but saw our relationship as their family gaining me
-I am sure they get annoyed /frustrated by my foibles, but they get over it because we are family
-ILs are helpful / will come to our aid when needed or asked, but don't butt in all the time with unsolicited advice
-We have kids now, and not only do they respect our parenting decisions, even though I'm sure we do things differently than they would, they also tell me I am doing a great job with my kids.

And back to #1: they genuinely believe I am good for their son and they are glad I married him. It's a lot easier to forgive the frustrating stuff when you feel like a beloved member of the family.

LISTEN to your DIL. Offer help, but if she declines, back off. Do not hover.

Pay attention to her social cues - if she's uncomfortable with a subject, move on. She doesn't need to open up to you about everything. The more you push, the more she'll back away.

Don't expect her to be just like you, or to change for you. Your son loves her the way she is.

Stop trying so hard - she can see through it.

Seems like most DIL's issues with MILs are that they judge or tell them what to do. So let her be herself, and be sensitive the the fact that she may not take advice from you or talk to you the same way as her own mother. Don't try to be her mother unless she is interested in that type of relationship.

It's ok to not be BFF with her but you have to respect each other and get along.

I will not bicker constantly with my husband in front of the grandchildren. I will not see all differences in the ways my DILs and sons choose to live their life/raise kids as a personal rejection of the choices I made when I was raising a family. I will be available to help as needed but will not feel bad or make you feel guilty when you ask DIL's parents to help. I will not watch Fox News all the damn time nor take every crazy conservative conspiracy theory email that I receive as the gospel truth.

I love my MIL, but she can be a bit challenging at times. Still, we get along wonderfully! I've been married to her son for 28 years and she and I have never had a cross word with each other.

I adore my DIL! I think she would say I am a good MIL. It's all about respecting the relationships. I understand that she is the most important person in my son's life now. I don't get involved in issues between the two of them. I keep my visits under three days (they live out of state). I never give advise unless they ask me, and even then I try it avoid it.

I would enjoy my grandkids! They are only little once. To miss out, and prefer to spend time at home watching mindless t.v. or doing crossword puzzles is reprehensible. Grandkids keep people young, and really, is what life is all about. NOT just your DD's kids, but your DS's kids, too. What a shame to miss out.

I would also watch them while DIL and DS go away fro a nice weekend. After all, I watched DD's kids for a week or two (!!!) while they went away - my DIL and DS do not need any less rest then anyone else.

Anonymous wrote:I would show up, be part of my grandkids lives and not act like you don't have a family anymore just because your kids are grown.

Seriously... you dont' have to raise your grandkids, but at least show up for them! Especially when you are retired and have PLENTY of money!

Let's trade. Where can we meet up?