Anonymous
07/17/2014 16:23
Subject: Re:DH expects me to be his personal shopper
Anonymous wrote:What is his deal? Anyone else's husband do this.
Um no. I do most of the cooking, but I definitely do not pack DH's lunch or provide him snacks. And he does the shopping most of the time.
BTW: We kind of have a rule in the house: if you complain about the way your spouse is handling a particular task, you are welcome to either take over that task to your satisfaction or STFU. The only gray area is child rearing--there we try to come to agreement on how to handle tricky issues.
+1
We sort of have that in our house. Informally of course.
OP, On occasion I might make his lunch but I'm not his mommy. I don't do it every day.
I also do the groceries and make dinner. When I was working, he would clean up and put away leftovers (usually it was his lunch the next day). Once I became a SAHM after DC#2 was born, I do put away leftovers while he's watching the kids. But I don't get up in the morning to make his lunch. IF I am awake, I will happily make it for him (he usually will ask). But most nights, I'm up late with DC 2, so its rare for me to be up in the morning.
What did he do BEFORE he was married? Did his mommy do the grocery runs and feed him? Don't enable him. He survived without you in his life, he can manage to act like a grown man now that he is married.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 16:00
Subject: DH expects me to be his personal shopper
Tape a sign on the fridge door that says: "Nothing to eat? Really?" then lists everything that is in the fridge/pantry he could eat from fruit to snacks to sandwiches he could put together.
I did this when I had this issue with my teenaged sons. It might work with your husband.
I did this when I had this issue with my teenaged sons. It might work with your husband.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 14:56
Subject: DH expects me to be his personal shopper
"Want it done your way? Do it yoruself"
Anonymous
07/17/2014 14:54
Subject: DH expects me to be his personal shopper
OP, I think the "doormat" comments come not from the fact that you make his meals for him, but that you continue to do so AFTER HE COMPLAINS AND WHINES. THAT'S the behavior of a "doormat." He's learned that he can continue this behavior and still get things made for him. Shut that down immediately.
"If you complain or whine, no meal prep." Keep it simple and follow through. He'll probably test it a few times, but if you're consistent, then he learn quickly.
"If you complain or whine, no meal prep." Keep it simple and follow through. He'll probably test it a few times, but if you're consistent, then he learn quickly.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 14:50
Subject: DH expects me to be his personal shopper
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I most certainly am not a doormat. I make DH's lunch because I want to. He does plenty of kind things for me because he loves me.
When he says this, I tell him he is welcome to do it himself. This usually shuts him up. It's just aggravating.
Well you asked what his deal was leading everyone to think this was a problem for you. If it's aggravating but you know how to handle it why are you here?
I came here to ask for advice, not to be called 'doormat.' If you have constructive advice, please do offer it.
I also eat the cut fruits/veggies. It's not like I'm some dense, oblivious twit who slaves away in the kitchen for her mean husband.
There really is no need to call me names.
NP here, you ARE a doormat, you make a lunch for him when he is home anyway. You cut up vegetable... Wow...
That sound crazy.
How old is DH? 12? 7?
This is nuts. If he cannot get his own lunch while working from home, or cut up his veggie snacks, or shop for them etc., how the hell is he competent to run a viable business (other than he gets someone else to do everything for him, as he's gotten you to do).
I'm a DH and I think you're crazy for doing all this, and DH needs to "sack up" and grow up.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 14:45
Subject: DH expects me to be his personal shopper
Anonymous wrote:My DH makes my breakfast in the morning, as well as coffee. When I've slept poorly because of the children, he sometimes brings it to me in the shower.
Not being a smart ass but I found this funny.
I can imagine him bringing you your chobani, a bagel, and some coffee in to your shower. That would get messy.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 14:44
Subject: DH expects me to be his personal shopper
OP--the issue here is the griping. You enjoy making his meals and shopping for the food. That's fine. It doesn't make you a doormat. But right now, you're doing it for a man that continuously gripes and complains. That's not okay.
"Honey, here's the deal. I really enjoy shopping and cooking for you. It's one of the many ways I show you I love you. When you complain and gripe about there being "nothing to eat" when in fact there's a stocked pantry and fridge, it bugs the shit out of me. It makes me think you don't appreciate what I do and that you're taking me for granted. It stops now. If I hear you complaining or bugging me to go to the store, I will walk out of the room and the next meal is on your own. Got it?"
"Honey, here's the deal. I really enjoy shopping and cooking for you. It's one of the many ways I show you I love you. When you complain and gripe about there being "nothing to eat" when in fact there's a stocked pantry and fridge, it bugs the shit out of me. It makes me think you don't appreciate what I do and that you're taking me for granted. It stops now. If I hear you complaining or bugging me to go to the store, I will walk out of the room and the next meal is on your own. Got it?"
Anonymous
07/17/2014 14:41
Subject: DH expects me to be his personal shopper
OP, I don't think you're a doormat. I would make DH's lunch if he brought his. You've told everyone about one aspect of household tasks that you do, and everyone is piling on about how your husband does nothing and is an asshole. My DH makes my breakfast in the morning, as well as coffee. When I've slept poorly because of the children, he sometimes brings it to me in the shower. It's a nice thing to do and he's not a doormat. I'm sure your DH does plenty for you.
It sounds to me like he eats out of boredom. If he's actually hungry, the foods you have in the house should be fine for him, but since he's not actually hungry the foods bore him.
I second PP who said that if one spouse complains about the way the other does things, they have to do it themselves. DH complained once about how I put his laundry away and found himself doing his own laundry for a while. He has never complained again. The next time he complains there's no food in the house, tell him he's doing the shopping next week and don't go. I doubt he will complain again.
It sounds to me like he eats out of boredom. If he's actually hungry, the foods you have in the house should be fine for him, but since he's not actually hungry the foods bore him.
I second PP who said that if one spouse complains about the way the other does things, they have to do it themselves. DH complained once about how I put his laundry away and found himself doing his own laundry for a while. He has never complained again. The next time he complains there's no food in the house, tell him he's doing the shopping next week and don't go. I doubt he will complain again.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 14:30
Subject: DH expects me to be his personal shopper
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
There really is no need to call me names.
NP here, you ARE a doormat, you make a lunch for him when he is home anyway. You cut up vegetable... Wow...
That sound crazy.
I don't think that is being a doormat. If she enjoys doing that for her husband, so be it.
If she does it because she feels it is her duty, that is another story.
My step father makes my mother's coffee for her everything morning. That includes the cream/sugar. Is he a doormat? No. He just loves doing it for her and she loves the coffee he makes.
My husband makes my coffee for me every morning too. He is anything but a doormat.
Yes, but your husband and the stepfather above are not posting on DCUM complaining that their wives expect them to be their personal coffeemakers.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 14:26
Subject: DH expects me to be his personal shopper
It sounds like you don't buy a lot of junk food. Good for you (seriously--I don't mean that in a bitchy way), but is your DH into with healthy eating?
Mine isn't, so "there's nothing to eat" translates to "there's no ice cream/chips/cookies/frozen pizzas". He then goes to the store on his own to buy those things.
Mine isn't, so "there's nothing to eat" translates to "there's no ice cream/chips/cookies/frozen pizzas". He then goes to the store on his own to buy those things.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 14:22
Subject: DH expects me to be his personal shopper
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
There really is no need to call me names.
NP here, you ARE a doormat, you make a lunch for him when he is home anyway. You cut up vegetable... Wow...
That sound crazy.
I don't think that is being a doormat. If she enjoys doing that for her husband, so be it.
If she does it because she feels it is her duty, that is another story.
My step father makes my mother's coffee for her everything morning. That includes the cream/sugar. Is he a doormat? No. He just loves doing it for her and she loves the coffee he makes.
My husband makes my coffee for me every morning too. He is anything but a doormat.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 14:13
Subject: DH expects me to be his personal shopper
Leave a running grocery list out (our is on the fridge door). He can add to it throughout the week. It can be hard to sit down Sat morning and come up with a bunch of ideas (esp for people who aren't used to grocery shopping or meal planning). If he looks in the cupboard on Tuesday and thinks "gee, I'd really like some chips and salsa but we don't have any", then chips and salsa go on the list. He won't get it this week, but it'll be there next week. DH learned early on that if he wants something, it had better be on the list by the time I go to the store.
Sometimes simple organization can make a difference, too. Rather than putting all of the veggies in one place and the dips elsewhere, pull a few veggies onto a single shelf with the dip, right at eye level in the fridge. Sometimes "there is nothing to eat" simply means "I don't see an obvious complete snack, and I'm not creative enough to assemble my own from pieces located through tithe kitchen".
Or it can mean "I'm not really hungry, just wandering through the kitchen out of boredom, and nothing in particular struck me as irresistible". Whole different issue
Sometimes simple organization can make a difference, too. Rather than putting all of the veggies in one place and the dips elsewhere, pull a few veggies onto a single shelf with the dip, right at eye level in the fridge. Sometimes "there is nothing to eat" simply means "I don't see an obvious complete snack, and I'm not creative enough to assemble my own from pieces located through tithe kitchen".
Or it can mean "I'm not really hungry, just wandering through the kitchen out of boredom, and nothing in particular struck me as irresistible". Whole different issue
Anonymous
07/17/2014 14:02
Subject: DH expects me to be his personal shopper
Anonymous wrote:
There really is no need to call me names.
NP here, you ARE a doormat, you make a lunch for him when he is home anyway. You cut up vegetable... Wow...
That sound crazy.
I don't think that is being a doormat. If she enjoys doing that for her husband, so be it.
If she does it because she feels it is her duty, that is another story.
My step father makes my mother's coffee for her everything morning. That includes the cream/sugar. Is he a doormat? No. He just loves doing it for her and she loves the coffee he makes.