Anonymous wrote:I would come down hard on the whole situation.

I would say, "I get it we are all in a shitastic situation"... "I am sorry your parents are getting a divorce, I am sorry you are being forced to stay here" turn to your kids "I am sorry that your whole world has been invaded" but.... "we are family and we need to make this work" these are the rules...

I would write down the rules.

Wake (time)
shower (time)
eat (time)
clean up your own stuff
Activity... what do you do pool, hiking, just sit around all day

I would make the kids (1 at a time) help with dinner, I would make them earn screen time, etc.

Find things for them to do withOUT each other so they get time alone.

They need to act like a team ... a family!

They should have an opportunity to express themselves, if something bothers them hear them out (individually).

Truthfully... I wish I could have done this with my niece and nephew who are now a wreck.

Anonymous wrote:OP here

To answer the questions, my kids are 9, 11 and 13. My sister's kids are 9, 13 and 14.

I could have my dad come and stay with me but his issue is vascular dementure and taking him out of a familiar environment just wouldn't work. He's often fine but sometimes he's liable to wake up in the morning not knowing where he is or quite disorientated. My mom is sort of his lifeline when that occurs. Also, I seriously don't think my mom could cope with these kids. It wouldn't work.

I don't have much local support because my husband and I lived overseas for quite a spell and we have some good friends but not 'inflict this mess on them' kind of friends. Also, if I am struggling with these kids and this dynamic and it's my family, I'm not sure how to integrate anyone else. I could send my kids off to camp (they normally like it) but I worry about the messages that would send. I don't know what programs might be suitable for the cousins and I am acutely conscious that anything I do will be met with a response which reflects all the issues I referred to in my previous post.

To answer PP's question: they were supposed to be with me for three weeks. It has been longer and my sister wants me to have them until the end of the vacation. The kids mentioned that they "might be going to school here in the future" but no one has mentioned that to me and when I've raised it with my mom and sister they have said nothing.

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. What's your sister doing with this down time?

I don't think I'd let them stay the rest of the summer. I think it is time to have a talk with your sister and get some details ironed out.

Anonymous wrote:My sister, with whom I generally have a good long-distance relationship, is suffering from some serious issues and is currently going through a messy divorce. Growing up, she was always the proverbial 'golden child' and I think my parents are finding it particularly difficult to come to terms with the complexity of her tricky situation. My mom asked me to have her three children to stay with us because she thinks they need a break. She cannot have them because my dad is unwell. I agreed. Because my sister's husband has always disliked our family, we have not had much to do with them on a family to family basis. I tend to go and see my sister when I can. Fast forward to what is turning into a disastrous holiday. My sister's kids (and I understand and am deeply sensitive to the context) have an astoundingly challenging mix of aggression, entitlement, disrespect and deep seated bitterness towards each other (I think both blame each other for the divorce and have been manipulated by their parents in a really sad and hideous way). Nothing is right. Endless sniping. Everything I do is met with snide or pejorative remarks and frankly they are unbelievably frustrating to be around. If I take them somewhere, it's the wrong place. If I don't take them anywhere, they are bored. If my kids suggest doing something, the suggestions are met with scorn. They whine and moan all day unless they are in front of a screen which is not something we normally allow in the summer. They just plain nasty to my kids who are by no means perfect but mostly respectful, generally nice to each other and all chip in to help in our now rather crowded house on a day to day basis. Meanwhile, my sister is making noises about me keeping the kids for longer, my kids are making noises about wanting to go and live somewhere else, my husband has been a superstar but is over the current dynamic (he's not used to being told to 'go to hell' when suggesting someone might like to turn in for the night), my mom thinks I 'owe' it to my sister to help her more, my sister's husband calls the kids incessantly so I have an ongoing commentary about the various failings of our household because I "force" them to shower every so often, help clean up after meals, tell me where they are going and who they are going with etc. I am at my wits end. I am really trying. I know these kids need something from me but what? I tried to pose the option of getting them some therapy but their dad flatly refused (I'm led to believe that therapy is for pussies). Can anyone give me advice? If I send them home I'm sending them into a horrid hornets nest and yet another person will have let them down. If I keep them for longer I am worried about the impact on my family. I am worried about me. I have no mandate to try and help them navigate some change and I am sick of being judged and manipulated by my family who appear to think that because I'm okay I should look after everyone else. These kids are at an age where what happens now could make or break them. So what do I do?

Anonymous wrote:OP here

To answer the questions, my kids are 9, 11 and 13. My sister's kids are 9, 13 and 14.

I could have my dad come and stay with me but his issue is vascular dementure and taking him out of a familiar environment just wouldn't work. He's often fine but sometimes he's liable to wake up in the morning not knowing where he is or quite disorientated. My mom is sort of his lifeline when that occurs. Also, I seriously don't think my mom could cope with these kids. It wouldn't work.

I don't have much local support because my husband and I lived overseas for quite a spell and we have some good friends but not 'inflict this mess on them' kind of friends. Also, if I am struggling with these kids and this dynamic and it's my family, I'm not sure how to integrate anyone else. I could send my kids off to camp (they normally like it) but I worry about the messages that would send. I don't know what programs might be suitable for the cousins and I am acutely conscious that anything I do will be met with a response which reflects all the issues I referred to in my previous post.

To answer PP's question: they were supposed to be with me for three weeks. It has been longer and my sister wants me to have them until the end of the vacation. The kids mentioned that they "might be going to school here in the future" but no one has mentioned that to me and when I've raised it with my mom and sister they have said nothing.

Anonymous wrote:I would come down hard on the whole situation.

I would say, "I get it we are all in a shitastic situation"... "I am sorry your parents are getting a divorce, I am sorry you are being forced to stay here" turn to your kids "I am sorry that your whole world has been invaded" but.... "we are family and we need to make this work" these are the rules...

I would write down the rules.

Wake (time)
shower (time)
eat (time)
clean up your own stuff
Activity... what do you do pool, hiking, just sit around all day

I would make the kids (1 at a time) help with dinner, I would make them earn screen time, etc.

Find things for them to do withOUT each other so they get time alone.

They need to act like a team ... a family!

They should have an opportunity to express themselves, if something bothers them hear them out (individually).

Truthfully... I wish I could have done this with my niece and nephew who are now a wreck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would come down hard on the whole situation.

I would say, "I get it we are all in a shitastic situation"... "I am sorry your parents are getting a divorce, I am sorry you are being forced to stay here" turn to your kids "I am sorry that your whole world has been invaded" but.... "we are family and we need to make this work" these are the rules...

I would write down the rules.

Wake (time)
shower (time)
eat (time)
clean up your own stuff
Activity... what do you do pool, hiking, just sit around all day

I would make the kids (1 at a time) help with dinner, I would make them earn screen time, etc.

Find things for them to do withOUT each other so they get time alone.

They need to act like a team ... a family!

They should have an opportunity to express themselves, if something bothers them hear them out (individually).

Truthfully... I wish I could have done this with my niece and nephew who are now a wreck.

I was thinking of a similar script in my head while reading your scenario. You could also add that you can't do anything to change all the hurt but that in your home, we try not to hurt each other and if we do, we make it right by apologizing.