Teaching moment on how to handle "friends".

Your DD must learn to be more assertive and firm. If the "friend" in question gets huffy or rude, your DD needs to distance herself from her.

You need to teach your daughter to be more vague and never EVER give reasons why she is saying no to people. This is a LIFE SKILL. Also, tell her she can blame you for firm boundaries.

Friend: Can we come over to swim?
Your DD: Sorry, my parents said no.
Friend: Awww, why not??
Your DD: They just said no. Want to go to the bookstore with me?

Friend: Can we swim tonight?
Your DD: Sure, you can come over at 7.
Friend: Ugh, that's so late! 6?
Your DD: Sorry, my parents said no earlier than 7.
Friend: What about like 6:30?
Your DD: Dude! 7! No guests are being allowed in until 7, sorry.

OP, it sounds like there is one particular, pushy girl who really wants to swim a lot and is quite rude about it.

It also sounds like that girls mother isn't very socially clueless, either.

Seems like you have started the expectation that it is OK for kids to call up and invite themselves over for a swim. I'm sure you meant, kids who could ask politely, and who could take no for an answer! That apparently doesn't describe this particular girl AT ALL.

I would announce as mom (dad?) that there are new house rules regarding swim time at your house. From now on, you will tell your daughter what nights and times are open swim at your house. She can send out a text and anyone who wants to come, may. (of her preapproved friends, of course!) If your daughter asks you ahead of time (badgers, etc) you won't allow it that night at all!

That gives your daughter the freedom to say to her pushy friend "I don't know -- my mom hasn't decided yet. I'll let you know." It takes the social pressure off of her and puts it on you.

You can say that you have gotten concerned about pool safety/kids thinking they can come by without adults and so on. Tell your daughter that if she EVER has kids over to the pool without an adult present.... that will be it for friends at the pool! She knows this of course, but reitierating it in front of the pushy friend would be a good idea.

You can also tell the pushy friend that pnce the girls get their lifeguarding certificate, you may allow them to swim without an adult, because those are insurance rules.

Not inviting themselves OR using the pool without supervision*

Anonymous wrote:The flag is a great idea...

Your pool, your rules, makes sense to me. Some parents are clueless.

When we had a small pool when my kids were little, once in awhile we'd pull into the driveway and as we got out of the car, suddenly I would see neighborhood kids running down the hill about a block up from us, carrying towels. I would not let kids use the pool unless I was out there watching them so I frequently turned away kids who invited themselves.

A set of parents on my DD's soccer team (she was about 6 or 7) once tried to tell me it was ok for their DD to use the pool because after all, they allowed her to swim alone in their kids' pool all the time 'it's fine, the water's not over her head! It's fine!" I said noooooooooooooo way. WTH were they thinking..

These are friends of DD, not random kids. They're not inviting themselves of using the pool without supervision - just constantly asking DD about it. The flag idea seems rather strange for 14 year old kids, and the friends aren't even neighbors.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that these friends are just plain rude.

I'd advise dd to blame you. Something like "Sorry, my parents are super serious about this, I'd be grounded for a year!"

Unfortunately, the friends know our family pretty well and we're just not like that. So, that won't work.

So become like that. It is a pool. Your pool.

I agree. What, are they gonna challenge your dd and say "your parents aren't serious about pool rules". If that's a message that you think would be unbelievable perhaps you should start conveying that message, this is the perfect opportunity. Maybe something like, "sorry, my parents are super serious about this, I'd get in a lot of trouble" if that sounds more like you.

The flag is a great idea...

Your pool, your rules, makes sense to me. Some parents are clueless.

When we had a small pool when my kids were little, once in awhile we'd pull into the driveway and as we got out of the car, suddenly I would see neighborhood kids running down the hill about a block up from us, carrying towels. I would not let kids use the pool unless I was out there watching them so I frequently turned away kids who invited themselves.

A set of parents on my DD's soccer team (she was about 6 or 7) once tried to tell me it was ok for their DD to use the pool because after all, they allowed her to swim alone in their kids' pool all the time 'it's fine, the water's not over her head! It's fine!" I said noooooooooooooo way. WTH were they thinking..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that these friends are just plain rude.

I'd advise dd to blame you. Something like "Sorry, my parents are super serious about this, I'd be grounded for a year!"

Unfortunately, the friends know our family pretty well and we're just not like that. So, that won't work.

So become like that. It is a pool. Your pool.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friends we know have a flagpole in their yard--when the flag is up, pool's open for neighborhood kids. No flag means pool is closed.

Interesting idea, but these are friends, not neighbors.

I am kind of stumped by this behavior. These kids are all good friends with my DD and spend time with her when the pool's not open (such as during the school year) so it's not like they're only associating with her because she has a pool, but still - super off putting.

This just happened tonight -

Friend asked DD what she's doing tonight, DD replied honestly and said 'babysitting'. Well, babysitting was only until 6 and apparently the friend was on a run at 6:30 or somewhere around there and saw DD in our backyard. Texted her and said "Seriously Larla?? You were home! We could have swam!"

So rude.

It sounds like less of a pool issue and more of a friend issue...my daughter would NEVER allow her "friends" to talk to her like that...

Tell her to get new friends.

Your dd's friends are jerks. She needs to drop them. I have a 13 year old dd and she has never, ever had a friend talk to her like that.

Anonymous wrote:Friends we know have a flagpole in their yard--when the flag is up, pool's open for neighborhood kids. No flag means pool is closed.

Interesting idea, but these are friends, not neighbors.

I am kind of stumped by this behavior. These kids are all good friends with my DD and spend time with her when the pool's not open (such as during the school year) so it's not like they're only associating with her because she has a pool, but still - super off putting.

This just happened tonight -

Friend asked DD what she's doing tonight, DD replied honestly and said 'babysitting'. Well, babysitting was only until 6 and apparently the friend was on a run at 6:30 or somewhere around there and saw DD in our backyard. Texted her and said "Seriously Larla?? You were home! We could have swam!"

So rude.

Friends we know have a flagpole in their yard--when the flag is up, pool's open for neighborhood kids. No flag means pool is closed.

"Sorry but that's the way it has to be if you want to use our pool."

The friend is rude, end of story. It's clear she wants the pool, not to be with your child. Tell your DD not to feel bad in the least!

Anonymous wrote:Agree that these friends are just plain rude.

I'd advise dd to blame you. Something like "Sorry, my parents are super serious about this, I'd be grounded for a year!"

Unfortunately, the friends know our family pretty well and we're just not like that. So, that won't work.