Anonymous
07/13/2014 00:05
Subject: My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My sentiments too - your husband is a saint!! But I would say you need to watch how far you push him or your own marriage will be over.
You are enabling your mom and not taking care of the basic issues presenting themselves about her health and well-being. She needs to be evaluated whether she likes it or not. If you do not have appropriate space for her then she needs to be in her own place or in an assisted living place where she can get care.
What are you doing about her insurance, medical care, taxes, etc. I'm assuming all are tied in with her forgotten husband. A year is a long time to be stringing along!
All good questions/suggestions and yes, DH is amazing. I don't take that for granted at all and I tell him all the time and try to show it in many ways.
Insurance, I got her on Obamacare and I haven't figured out dental yet since that isn't covered. I subscribed her to AARP so that she could get discounted dental, but I still have to look into it since she seems to be on Mars with that. Medical care - I got her in with DH's physician's female partner but she is a bit of a dud - as in, she has not followed up on any of my concerns and I need to find a new one in the midst of my kids' and my own appointments. She has a good ENT (ours) and a good OB (ours). I juice and have been juicing for her and she has been eating a good diet. Taxes - She has a CPA back in her prior state of residence and I have no idea if he is any good. She had some tax issues but is working through them, apparently.
Forgotten husband? Oh no - they talk/text on a regular basis. He still does not work (didn't while they were together) and got a boat load of money (ok it was only 50k but STILL) and promised to give her some but bought an RV instead. Also did not pay his back child support with it which I know through my mom. And bc the question of why I won't just send her back to him will inevitably come up, I must mention that in a heated email debate with him a couple of years ago, he revealed that my mom is a frustrating person to live with (true) and that as revenge he hid her prescription blood pressure medication. But, alas, he is still in the picture and she knows how we feel about him. She has declared that he will always be in her life, though. She also still pays his phone bill, auto insurance and slides him money here and there (I don't have proof of this, but I am pretty sure).
Tell her if she has the funds to support him, she needs to contribute $600 a month to your home (even if you just save it for her). She can get a room rental if she really wanted to. Take your bedroom back and put her with the kids or on the couch.
Anonymous
07/13/2014 00:03
Subject: My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
I am confused as to why she does not have medicare - she should have medicare via social security and a pharmacy supplement. You are on your own with dental - either private pay or free clinic. She will be over income for medicaid and probably food stamps. We got my MIL food stamps with $1000 social security and she barely made the limit. She was denied medicaid (we are working on the long term care medicaid to pay for the nursing home).
Also, if you are in Maryland (saying what county would help) you need to get her on the assisted living wavier program. It is a five year wait list but all you have to do is call and put her on. Wish I knew about it.
We called and called adult protective services for help. We got one nurse who was helpful but only did a little. There is very little help as she is fine as long as she is in your home (so they don't consider her homeless - we had a similar situation with my MIL who has dementia so we brought her to our house and it was a nightmare getting help). The county lists all the help on their website but good luck accessing it.
Also, if you are in Maryland (saying what county would help) you need to get her on the assisted living wavier program. It is a five year wait list but all you have to do is call and put her on. Wish I knew about it.
We called and called adult protective services for help. We got one nurse who was helpful but only did a little. There is very little help as she is fine as long as she is in your home (so they don't consider her homeless - we had a similar situation with my MIL who has dementia so we brought her to our house and it was a nightmare getting help). The county lists all the help on their website but good luck accessing it.
Anonymous
07/12/2014 23:56
Subject: My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
Anonymous wrote:My sentiments too - your husband is a saint!! But I would say you need to watch how far you push him or your own marriage will be over.
You are enabling your mom and not taking care of the basic issues presenting themselves about her health and well-being. She needs to be evaluated whether she likes it or not. If you do not have appropriate space for her then she needs to be in her own place or in an assisted living place where she can get care.
What are you doing about her insurance, medical care, taxes, etc. I'm assuming all are tied in with her forgotten husband. A year is a long time to be stringing along!
All good questions/suggestions and yes, DH is amazing. I don't take that for granted at all and I tell him all the time and try to show it in many ways.
Insurance, I got her on Obamacare and I haven't figured out dental yet since that isn't covered. I subscribed her to AARP so that she could get discounted dental, but I still have to look into it since she seems to be on Mars with that. Medical care - I got her in with DH's physician's female partner but she is a bit of a dud - as in, she has not followed up on any of my concerns and I need to find a new one in the midst of my kids' and my own appointments. She has a good ENT (ours) and a good OB (ours). I juice and have been juicing for her and she has been eating a good diet. Taxes - She has a CPA back in her prior state of residence and I have no idea if he is any good. She had some tax issues but is working through them, apparently.
Forgotten husband? Oh no - they talk/text on a regular basis. He still does not work (didn't while they were together) and got a boat load of money (ok it was only 50k but STILL) and promised to give her some but bought an RV instead. Also did not pay his back child support with it which I know through my mom. And bc the question of why I won't just send her back to him will inevitably come up, I must mention that in a heated email debate with him a couple of years ago, he revealed that my mom is a frustrating person to live with (true) and that as revenge he hid her prescription blood pressure medication. But, alas, he is still in the picture and she knows how we feel about him. She has declared that he will always be in her life, though. She also still pays his phone bill, auto insurance and slides him money here and there (I don't have proof of this, but I am pretty sure).
Anonymous
07/12/2014 22:24
Subject: My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
My sentiments too - your husband is a saint!! But I would say you need to watch how far you push him or your own marriage will be over.
You are enabling your mom and not taking care of the basic issues presenting themselves about her health and well-being. She needs to be evaluated whether she likes it or not. If you do not have appropriate space for her then she needs to be in her own place or in an assisted living place where she can get care.
What are you doing about her insurance, medical care, taxes, etc. I'm assuming all are tied in with her forgotten husband. A year is a long time to be stringing along!
You are enabling your mom and not taking care of the basic issues presenting themselves about her health and well-being. She needs to be evaluated whether she likes it or not. If you do not have appropriate space for her then she needs to be in her own place or in an assisted living place where she can get care.
What are you doing about her insurance, medical care, taxes, etc. I'm assuming all are tied in with her forgotten husband. A year is a long time to be stringing along!
Anonymous
07/12/2014 22:03
Subject: Re:My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
take her to https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/contact/ProgramDetail.aspx?agId=100528 for a few days and see how it goes
they will have suggestions. There are more locations in the county.
It is just going to get worse as she ages.
Your husband must be a gem to put up with this.
they will have suggestions. There are more locations in the county.
It is just going to get worse as she ages.
Your husband must be a gem to put up with this.
Anonymous
07/12/2014 21:55
Subject: Re:My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
Anonymous wrote:You're getting your mother to apply for SNAP under these circumstances? Please tell me you're kidding.
Signed,
A Disgusted Taxpayer Who Will Be Footing The Bill
If it comforts you any, OP's mom probably won't give birth to any anchor babies.
Anonymous
07/12/2014 21:53
Subject: Re:My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
Anonymous wrote:You're getting your mother to apply for SNAP under these circumstances? Please tell me you're kidding.
Signed,
A Disgusted Taxpayer Who Will Be Footing The Bill
You resent food stamps for a 70 year old who makes $23k a year?
Anonymous
07/12/2014 21:51
Subject: Re:My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
Anonymous wrote:You're getting your mother to apply for SNAP under these circumstances? Please tell me you're kidding.
Signed,
A Disgusted Taxpayer Who Will Be Footing The Bill
To what circumstance specifically do you object? And what is your proposed alternative? I am seriously all ears and will consider other angles.
Anonymous
07/12/2014 21:42
Subject: My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
21:38, thank you!!!!
Anonymous
07/12/2014 21:41
Subject: My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
Also look on the HOC website and there is a list of low income housing that is in house not voucher based.
Anonymous
07/12/2014 21:38
Subject: My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Try to find some low income housing and move her out. We moved my MIL here and she planned to stay. We moved her to a nursing home as like you said it got too much. There are a few low income housing places.
Can you tell me where? How to find them? What the approx cost is?
If you are in Montgomery County try:
http://www.homecresthouse.org
(they are income based but charge extra for food and a bit of a ripoff - we tried to put my MIL there but she needed more help - they have two buildings with no help and one building with limited help).
Also try this one (my MIL income was half your mom's so it was not an option for us):
http://www.springvaleterrace.com
Anonymous
07/12/2014 21:37
Subject: Re:My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
You're getting your mother to apply for SNAP under these circumstances? Please tell me you're kidding.
Signed,
A Disgusted Taxpayer Who Will Be Footing The Bill
Signed,
A Disgusted Taxpayer Who Will Be Footing The Bill
Anonymous
07/12/2014 21:30
Subject: Re:My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
Agree with the advice of the PPs. You've done enough - and made it far too comfortable for your mother. If you're concerned about the stairs in the basement, put her on the air mattress in the living room. Who cares if she gets woken up at night, she's not the one who needs a good night's sleep. Also, about the stairs, you might find that the more physical activity she does, the better she gets at it. She can start practicing the stairs now. If, on the off chance, she actually hurts herself on the stairs and has to go to the hospital, make arrangements for her to move to assisted living while she's in the hospital. If you don't allow her to come back to your house, hospital social workers will find another place for her. It may be cold but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Anonymous
07/12/2014 20:35
Subject: My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
OP, you need to have your mother evaluated by your local elder care, and then put the wheels in motion to have her move out or you move out. We just went through a situation with my mil. She was taking care of our youngest and living in our house. She didn't have as many limitations, but the more time spent with her, we noticed how she wasn't mentally and emotionally stable. It got to the point, along with a few other family issues, that we couldn't take it anymore, and she left to live with another sibling. It hurt my husband and he feels badly, but at the same time recognizes how much happier and less stress we have in our lives.
If she has money, and you can help support her with weekly chores, there is no reason your family life needs to continue to suffer. Figure out what choices you are willing to offer her, and tell her firmly she needs to pick one. If not, you will. Sounds mean, but she may have leRned a thing or two from her husband. Good luck- from someone else burned by family
If she has money, and you can help support her with weekly chores, there is no reason your family life needs to continue to suffer. Figure out what choices you are willing to offer her, and tell her firmly she needs to pick one. If not, you will. Sounds mean, but she may have leRned a thing or two from her husband. Good luck- from someone else burned by family
Anonymous
07/12/2014 20:07
Subject: Re:My Mom came to visit last year and she. is. still. here.
Anonymous wrote:For the short term, move her to the basement on an inflatable mattress--take back your bedroom. If you don't want her living with you longer than she already has, I wouldn't do a lot to fix it up.
Give your mother a deadline of when she needs to move out. Make it realistic--6 to 8 weeks. She can find a place to rent a room.
If she's been living with you this long I hope she's been kicking in for utilities or at least helping with the housework/kids.
It's the going up and down the stairs in the middle of the night to use the bathroom that keeps us from doing this - we actually think it could be dangerous.
And as for utilities, no, I thought I was helping her by allowing her to save, but she gave more money to her husband. Bad decision.
Chores - limited bc she complains of low blood sugar or fatigue often and there is still food on the dishes if she washes them. Not a little.
Kids- she forgets a lot of things and does some things that don't make sense (like eating hamburger patties my DH put on the porch for our dog...an hour or so after he left them there and forgot). She can be like a mother's helper (entertaining the middle one while I am changing the younger, helping the oldest with his lessons). So, limited.