Anonymous
07/10/2014 18:00
Subject: Husband seems to resent my not working
Anonymous wrote:My DH has been like this for years, yet whenever I offer to go back to work, and mention that if I do, he'd have to pick up more of the childcare, household chores, etc., he seems to lose interest in this idea! He is not a high earner, though, just makes enough for us to get by on one salary.
I think your DH is resentful because he is tired of working. I know my DH is tired of working. He finds me taking a nap, and thinks "I never get to take a nap during the day" and he gets resentful.
But when I point out to him all the things I do, and ask him if he'd like to switch places, he backs off completely, wanders away and "forgets" about it until the next time he starts to feel jealous that I have more freedom than he does, even though I do crappy jobs like cleaning the bathroom, buying groceries, fixing the washing machine (yes!), etc. etc.
FWIW, I've wanted for years to go back to work, had part time jobs, but DH has not made any effort to pick up the slack enough to allow me to get a job.
Maybe your DH just loves to complain, OP? I've been making a slow, steady effort to set up a home-based business, and DH has been helping me on occasion, even though I've begged him over and over to do so. It proves his hypocrisy, but I keep plugging away, knowing that I will get there in time, with or without his help. When that happens, he'll have nothing to complain about, and the balance of power will shift. I look forward to that day because I'm tired of absorbing his resentment. Men really are such babies.
But once your kids are in school full time, the child care aspects of SAH diminish.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 15:21
Subject: Husband seems to resent my not working
I am a SAHM after our second child was born 2.5 yrs ago. My DH recently suggested I go back to work. I agreed. Once I told him he would have to cut out his extracurricular activities as well as our 7 yr old's activities since it would no longer fit into our schedule, he quickly back tracked. Once you have to sit down and figure out the logistics it quickly becomes clear what you need to do.
Honestly, you can tell which kids have parents who help them w homework and ones who do not.
Honestly, you can tell which kids have parents who help them w homework and ones who do not.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 15:16
Subject: Husband seems to resent my not working
My DH has been like this for years, yet whenever I offer to go back to work, and mention that if I do, he'd have to pick up more of the childcare, household chores, etc., he seems to lose interest in this idea! He is not a high earner, though, just makes enough for us to get by on one salary.
I think your DH is resentful because he is tired of working. I know my DH is tired of working. He finds me taking a nap, and thinks "I never get to take a nap during the day" and he gets resentful.
But when I point out to him all the things I do, and ask him if he'd like to switch places, he backs off completely, wanders away and "forgets" about it until the next time he starts to feel jealous that I have more freedom than he does, even though I do crappy jobs like cleaning the bathroom, buying groceries, fixing the washing machine (yes!), etc. etc.
FWIW, I've wanted for years to go back to work, had part time jobs, but DH has not made any effort to pick up the slack enough to allow me to get a job.
Maybe your DH just loves to complain, OP? I've been making a slow, steady effort to set up a home-based business, and DH has been helping me on occasion, even though I've begged him over and over to do so. It proves his hypocrisy, but I keep plugging away, knowing that I will get there in time, with or without his help. When that happens, he'll have nothing to complain about, and the balance of power will shift. I look forward to that day because I'm tired of absorbing his resentment. Men really are such babies.
I think your DH is resentful because he is tired of working. I know my DH is tired of working. He finds me taking a nap, and thinks "I never get to take a nap during the day" and he gets resentful.
But when I point out to him all the things I do, and ask him if he'd like to switch places, he backs off completely, wanders away and "forgets" about it until the next time he starts to feel jealous that I have more freedom than he does, even though I do crappy jobs like cleaning the bathroom, buying groceries, fixing the washing machine (yes!), etc. etc.
FWIW, I've wanted for years to go back to work, had part time jobs, but DH has not made any effort to pick up the slack enough to allow me to get a job.
Maybe your DH just loves to complain, OP? I've been making a slow, steady effort to set up a home-based business, and DH has been helping me on occasion, even though I've begged him over and over to do so. It proves his hypocrisy, but I keep plugging away, knowing that I will get there in time, with or without his help. When that happens, he'll have nothing to complain about, and the balance of power will shift. I look forward to that day because I'm tired of absorbing his resentment. Men really are such babies.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 15:13
Subject: Husband seems to resent my not working
why not find a part-time job?
Anonymous
07/10/2014 15:03
Subject: Re:Husband seems to resent my not working
Anonymous wrote:Common problem.
Most husbands I know lose respect for their wives that don't work once the kids are in school 6.5 hours per day-5 days/week.
I WAH so I'm lucky to be there before and after school. DH makes a very big salary--but the power would shift if I gave up my job. This is something I knew from day 1. I know I would also be depressed Igbo didn't work.
Plus--working gets me out of shit I hate doing. When I complained about being stressed DH tells me to outsource more. We just started having cleaning lady every week (dreamlike!) and healthy dinner delivery service.
If I didn't work he'd expect me to do all household chores since I'd have 6.5 hours a day free.
I think it's a pretty shallow relationship if you "lose respect" for your spouse and parent to your children based on their work
Anonymous
07/10/2014 14:25
Subject: Husband seems to resent my not working
Anonymous wrote:Mine is like this, too, OP. It's such a bummer because the perfect solution for me and DH would be for us to each work half-time and stay home half-time, but that's not feasible. He was extremely keen for me to be a SAHM, but when we fight his resentment comes out. He doesn't like his job and feels trapped by golden handcuffs, but whenever I support the idea of him making a change, he gets paralyzed and does nothing.
It's frustrating, though, to be the whipping boy, and there are times when I think "fuck you, I'll go back to work and we can just hire a nanny." But I chose to SAH for several reasons and I remind myself of those reasons.
Sorry, but these men sound immature and entitled. They don't want to work but they probably wouldn't want to be a sahd either. They are not realistic. Sounds like the DWs are being supportive of the DHs to change jobs, but the DHs are too ??? to do it. Unlike most people, sounds like your financial situation is such that the DH can change jobs. They can actually do something about their unhappiness, unlike most people. So what's the problem?
Anonymous
07/10/2014 14:20
Subject: Husband seems to resent my not working
Offer to switch with him - he can be a sahd. That may mean your drastically change your lifestyle. But after a few months, I guarantee he will be asking to switch back.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 14:11
Subject: Husband seems to resent my not working
I don't think you working would solve anything -- he would still have to go to a job he apparently doesn't enjoy.
I think sometimes when he's relatively unstressed, y'all need to talk about the fact that he's persistently unhappy. Don't focus the conversation on whether or not you should stay home -- focus it on what needs to change to make him happier.
I think sometimes when he's relatively unstressed, y'all need to talk about the fact that he's persistently unhappy. Don't focus the conversation on whether or not you should stay home -- focus it on what needs to change to make him happier.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 14:03
Subject: Re:Husband seems to resent my not working
Common problem.
Most husbands I know lose respect for their wives that don't work once the kids are in school 6.5 hours per day-5 days/week.
I WAH so I'm lucky to be there before and after school. DH makes a very big salary--but the power would shift if I gave up my job. This is something I knew from day 1. I know I would also be depressed Igbo didn't work.
Plus--working gets me out of shit I hate doing. When I complained about being stressed DH tells me to outsource more. We just started having cleaning lady every week (dreamlike!) and healthy dinner delivery service.
If I didn't work he'd expect me to do all household chores since I'd have 6.5 hours a day free.
Most husbands I know lose respect for their wives that don't work once the kids are in school 6.5 hours per day-5 days/week.
I WAH so I'm lucky to be there before and after school. DH makes a very big salary--but the power would shift if I gave up my job. This is something I knew from day 1. I know I would also be depressed Igbo didn't work.
Plus--working gets me out of shit I hate doing. When I complained about being stressed DH tells me to outsource more. We just started having cleaning lady every week (dreamlike!) and healthy dinner delivery service.
If I didn't work he'd expect me to do all household chores since I'd have 6.5 hours a day free.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 13:52
Subject: Husband seems to resent my not working
It sounds like he is conflicted himself which makes it even more confusing for you OP.
On one hand you both agreed that it was best for the family dynamic for you to stay home while he was the breadwinner, yet it seems by the same token he seems resentful at having to bust his butt at work while you get the "luxury" of staying home.
I think now that the children are school-aged, he probably thinks it is much easier on you to stay home and that is why he is resentful vs. when they were much younger and required more hands-on actual care.
What you both need to do here is sit down and talk this out. If he feels resentful, he needs to express that to you directly. Lay his feelings down on the table and then you both can go from there.
It is unfair for him to say one thing, then do another.
Nothing will ever get solved in doing this.
Hope this advice helps.
Good luck to both of you OP!
On one hand you both agreed that it was best for the family dynamic for you to stay home while he was the breadwinner, yet it seems by the same token he seems resentful at having to bust his butt at work while you get the "luxury" of staying home.
I think now that the children are school-aged, he probably thinks it is much easier on you to stay home and that is why he is resentful vs. when they were much younger and required more hands-on actual care.
What you both need to do here is sit down and talk this out. If he feels resentful, he needs to express that to you directly. Lay his feelings down on the table and then you both can go from there.
It is unfair for him to say one thing, then do another.
Nothing will ever get solved in doing this.
Hope this advice helps.
Good luck to both of you OP!
Anonymous
07/10/2014 11:09
Subject: Husband seems to resent my not working
Mine is like this, too, OP. It's such a bummer because the perfect solution for me and DH would be for us to each work half-time and stay home half-time, but that's not feasible. He was extremely keen for me to be a SAHM, but when we fight his resentment comes out. He doesn't like his job and feels trapped by golden handcuffs, but whenever I support the idea of him making a change, he gets paralyzed and does nothing.
It's frustrating, though, to be the whipping boy, and there are times when I think "fuck you, I'll go back to work and we can just hire a nanny." But I chose to SAH for several reasons and I remind myself of those reasons.
It's frustrating, though, to be the whipping boy, and there are times when I think "fuck you, I'll go back to work and we can just hire a nanny." But I chose to SAH for several reasons and I remind myself of those reasons.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 11:04
Subject: Husband seems to resent my not working
Anonymous wrote:Men need a lot of babying and get jealous of the children. Maybe try a date night OP where you talk about him and not the children. He might need to have his ego boosted. I get that women shouldn't have to do this, but that's how it works unfortunately.
That is so insulting to men. So the bar for expecting him to communicate what his feelings and wants are should be lowered? According to PP, the wife should just figure it out and meet his needs without him even articulating what they are. What responsibility does he have for being a partner in the marriage and telling what he needs?
Anonymous
07/10/2014 10:57
Subject: Husband seems to resent my not working
Men need a lot of babying and get jealous of the children. Maybe try a date night OP where you talk about him and not the children. He might need to have his ego boosted. I get that women shouldn't have to do this, but that's how it works unfortunately.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 10:31
Subject: Husband seems to resent my not working
Second the question about the sex. Not casting blame - but I know I've felt resentment about busting my ass at work while my wife was staying at home -- even though I like my job, I like my wife taking care of the home front. It's just easy to get resentful when I hear "I'm too tired" if I've been stressing at work while she's hanging out at the pool, drinking wine with the other moms & "watching the kids."
Resentment eases right up once the sex starts picking up again.
Resentment eases right up once the sex starts picking up again.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 10:26
Subject: Re:Husband seems to resent my not working
Anonymous wrote:Let me do the math: he earns $2.5M per year, all of our accounts are fully paid up. If I went back to law after 10 years out, um, how would that work? Not to mention that we both prefer that I SAH.
Op here- I didn't write this just fwiw!