I am curious, how did you tell her you wanted out.

OP here. I plan to file on cruelty grounds. I need to figure out custody. I do not want the house. STBX can have it if she buys out my equity. If she is refusing to contribute to the mortgage, I cannot move out and pay for my own place as well. I need to work out with the attorney whether she can be required to make that payment.

Anonymous wrote:Did you have children? Did you just leave the house? Did you continue to pay the mortgage on a house you no longer lived in AND for another place as well? These are the handcuffs holding some men in abusive, bad marriages.

No Children (thank God) - it was a very short marriage.

I literally fled the house because the SHTF when I told her I wanted it over.

I did continue to pay the mortgage - because I owned the house. I would have happily payed her moving expenses to get her out and I made plans to live somewhere else. I figured it might take a year to get rid of her, but I got lucky and she left on her own almost immediately (and was with a new guy very shortly after that). I would have kept paying the mortgage until the house sold, if we were both on the deed, as part of getting the divorce.

There are ways out of these "handcuffs" - children are a difficult knot, but the OP doesn't mention them - he/she (I agree OP is a man, because the "dereliction of marital duties" is something only a man would think about) is focused on BS reasons for filing. Custody and children will be handled on the basis of what is best for the children, not the reason for the parent's divorce.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP @12:08 who said this is not about abuse; to all of your +1-ing that this is a man fleeing abuse: I fled a marriage - a very short and nasty marriage to a woman who emotionally abused me and who periodically struck me - myself. I know whereof I speak. Once I'd decided I needed out there was none of this handwringing about what grounds I was going to file under. I decided I needed out when I hit the point where I could admit that yes, she was actually emotionally abusing me and that yes, the hitting was actually physical abuse. This person is not an abused man thinking about it. This is a troll or other manipulator fishing for information on how to set up a situation that includes getting a hefty settlement. The right place to get advice about the optimal way to file is the attorney. I used my attorney to tell me how to handle the situation and he gave me very good advice.

Did you have children? Did you just leave the house? Did you continue to pay the mortgage on a house you no longer lived in AND for another place as well? These are the handcuffs holding some men in abusive, bad marriages.

I'm the PP @12:08 who said this is not about abuse; to all of your +1-ing that this is a man fleeing abuse: I fled a marriage - a very short and nasty marriage to a woman who emotionally abused me and who periodically struck me - myself. I know whereof I speak. Once I'd decided I needed out there was none of this handwringing about what grounds I was going to file under. I decided I needed out when I hit the point where I could admit that yes, she was actually emotionally abusing me and that yes, the hitting was actually physical abuse. This person is not an abused man thinking about it. This is a troll or other manipulator fishing for information on how to set up a situation that includes getting a hefty settlement. The right place to get advice about the optimal way to file is the attorney. I used my attorney to tell me how to handle the situation and he gave me very good advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the PP asserting the need to flee abuse and danger:

"I am thinking of throwing in the towel"..."I am pretty sure the marriage is over"...followed by "I have been attacked physically in the last three months, with the last attack leaving welts and bruises on my back and shoulders."

The OP isn't fleeing violence, she's either a troll or is fishing for a way to get out and take the financial comforts (however modest) with her.

I'm not suggesting abused people should be forced to give up their financial lives to escape abuse, but there are lots and lots of legal remedies and support organizations to help abused people safely escape an abuser.

Even if they are not female? I think the OP is a man b/c s/he is purposefully generic when it comes to identifying the gender of the spouse. A woman would not do that on these forums. A man would b/c he know he is going to be sh*t upon by most of the other posters on this thread.

OP, whether you are a woman or a man, I feel for you. You should definitely take your lawyers advice. If you need to get a TPO to get away from your spouse do so. Do not fear you will be arrested if your spouse assaults you and you call the police. No one - man or woman - be assaulted. The severity does not matter.

Please also call the Domestic Abuse Hotline for Men at 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754). Good luck!

+1

Anonymous wrote:If a woman enjoys sex, she will have sex. If it is painful or she doesnt get pleasure out of it, she won't.

Married people should want to have sex with each other, not feel obligated. When it is an obligation, you have a problem.

If a man enjoys taking out the trash he will take out the trash. If it is painful or he doesn't get pleasure out of it , he won't.

Just kidding (a bit) and I agree w your second statement. Married people SHOULD want to have sex, take out the trash, empty (or fill) the dishwasher, do the laundry, you name it, even when they don't feel like it, because it makes their partner HAPPY. I get pleasure out of doing boring menial tasks because I know it lightens DW's load, and she gives me some lovin even when she isn't in the mood because she knows it makes me feel good.

It's funny because sometimes she will get pissed at ME for turning her down when I know she's not in the mood, because I feel like I'm another check mark on her to do list for that day lol.

There is no moral obligation to do something you dont want to do. For ex, if DH wanted anal, no, there is no reason for me to agree if I do not want to. If he wanted me to do anal on him, I am under no obligation to do that either.

We have regular sex. Missionary, in fact. Should DH be forced to try other positions because I want to? No, of course not!

If your wife wont have sex w you, you are not giving her pleasure and she is tired of faking it.

What is "get monogamish"?

If a woman enjoys sex, she will have sex. If it is painful or she doesnt get pleasure out of it, she won't.

Married people should want to have sex with each other, not feel obligated. When it is an obligation, you have a problem.

OP here. I am not interested in willful refusal to have sex as a grounds for divorced. I have plenty other grounds, believe me. I did find this interesting and was various what people feel constitutes failure to fulfill marital duties. I do feel, however, a spouse has the moral obligation to meet each others sexual needs. If you can't do that then get divorced or get monogamish.

I agree with the poster who said OP is male.

OP, you are not going to prove "willful refusal to have sex."

No means NO, it doesn't matter if you are married or not.
-DW who enjoys sex with her DH

Anonymous wrote:If you are not happy, get a divorce and leave. Don't try to sue your husband using some bullshit law about 'marital duties'.

Fucking sue-crazy Americans these days.

+1

I would think "willful refusal of sex" was written by men to ensure a woman has sex. Do not like the wording at all, regardless of gender. If you don't want sex, you don't want sex.

If he is abusive, divorce him because of that. Why worry about this particular reason? Did you want to have sex with the man who abused you and he refused?

WTF?

Anonymous wrote:For the PP asserting the need to flee abuse and danger:

"I am thinking of throwing in the towel"..."I am pretty sure the marriage is over"...followed by "I have been attacked physically in the last three months, with the last attack leaving welts and bruises on my back and shoulders."

The OP isn't fleeing violence, she's either a troll or is fishing for a way to get out and take the financial comforts (however modest) with her.

I'm not suggesting abused people should be forced to give up their financial lives to escape abuse, but there are lots and lots of legal remedies and support organizations to help abused people safely escape an abuser.

Even if they are not female? I think the OP is a man b/c s/he is purposefully generic when it comes to identifying the gender of the spouse. A woman would not do that on these forums. A man would b/c he know he is going to be sh*t upon by most of the other posters on this thread.

OP, whether you are a woman or a man, I feel for you. You should definitely take your lawyers advice. If you need to get a TPO to get away from your spouse do so. Do not fear you will be arrested if your spouse assaults you and you call the police. No one - man or woman - be assaulted. The severity does not matter.

Please also call the Domestic Abuse Hotline for Men at 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754). Good luck!