Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you're going to follow up your communications with your brother with a "did you get my message? why didn't you respond?" then that in and of itself is enough to make him want to avoid you. There may be more to the story, but that alone is burdensome enough that a normal person who's just going about his life isn't going to want to engage with you. If you're sending communications and think of him as obliged to respond in a certain way within a certain time frame, then that's kind of like giving a gift and getting upset that the thank you card didn't come fast enough - you're giving the gift for the wrong reasons & you're reaching out for the wrong reasons. You should reach out because you want him to know how you're doing and you want to know how he's doing. If you just want to lay a guilt trip on him, he's justified not to respond. My aunts have ruined their relationship with their brothers by behaving this way - always asking for more time and then when the brother does show up, spending that time complaining that they don't see him enough. Why should they make an effort if that's the reception they get?

Nor would I ever do that!

Your OP made it sound like you do: "If I ask him if he received it or why he didn't respond, he says "I didn't know you expected a response." "

But YOUR post makes it sound as if each ignored communication is followed up with a nag and a question. If there are important communications about holiday events or family issues, I do follow up -- when I have to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you're going to follow up your communications with your brother with a "did you get my message? why didn't you respond?" then that in and of itself is enough to make him want to avoid you. There may be more to the story, but that alone is burdensome enough that a normal person who's just going about his life isn't going to want to engage with you. If you're sending communications and think of him as obliged to respond in a certain way within a certain time frame, then that's kind of like giving a gift and getting upset that the thank you card didn't come fast enough - you're giving the gift for the wrong reasons & you're reaching out for the wrong reasons. You should reach out because you want him to know how you're doing and you want to know how he's doing. If you just want to lay a guilt trip on him, he's justified not to respond. My aunts have ruined their relationship with their brothers by behaving this way - always asking for more time and then when the brother does show up, spending that time complaining that they don't see him enough. Why should they make an effort if that's the reception they get?

Nor would I ever do that!

Your OP made it sound like you do: "If I ask him if he received it or why he didn't respond, he says "I didn't know you expected a response." "

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you're going to follow up your communications with your brother with a "did you get my message? why didn't you respond?" then that in and of itself is enough to make him want to avoid you. There may be more to the story, but that alone is burdensome enough that a normal person who's just going about his life isn't going to want to engage with you. If you're sending communications and think of him as obliged to respond in a certain way within a certain time frame, then that's kind of like giving a gift and getting upset that the thank you card didn't come fast enough - you're giving the gift for the wrong reasons & you're reaching out for the wrong reasons. You should reach out because you want him to know how you're doing and you want to know how he's doing. If you just want to lay a guilt trip on him, he's justified not to respond. My aunts have ruined their relationship with their brothers by behaving this way - always asking for more time and then when the brother does show up, spending that time complaining that they don't see him enough. Why should they make an effort if that's the reception they get?

Nor would I ever do that!

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your insights. I get that some of this is social ineptness and busyness. There is a quality to the two of them together that is selfish and kind of hostilely put-upon that is what gets to me. Sort of like you have to apologize for taking up their precious time.

Anonymous wrote:I have 7 (yes 7) brothers. They do not respond unless you have a question. If you want them to call you back you must state, please give me a call. If you have expectations they need to be stated clearly.

It hurts my feeling if you don't call on my Birthday. (Not, hey you did not call me on MY birthday) Also expect it to be your birthweek not the exact day.

I will be upset if you don't call me at least 2 times a year. (Not... It would be nice to hear from you at least 2 times a year... to vague.)

Also, Your sister in law is not "part of the family" in her mind. (I am a daughter in law and I am part of my H family... so I get that some daughter in laws are.) Sorry, but I have found this with all my sister in laws. They are part of their family and our family is a mild annoyance and sometimes fun but "not really her family". (Of course there are 9 of us so I understand... it is a lot) BTW, 5 of my 7 SIL are awesome but still they are busy to say the least.

Also, by definition, you are the one being passive agressive. I am not trying to blame you but it is a process to lose that connection to a sibling and having expectation that are not clearly stated and then getting upset about what you imagine is the 'correct" response is going down the passive aggressive path.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you're going to follow up your communications with your brother with a "did you get my message? why didn't you respond?" then that in and of itself is enough to make him want to avoid you. There may be more to the story, but that alone is burdensome enough that a normal person who's just going about his life isn't going to want to engage with you. If you're sending communications and think of him as obliged to respond in a certain way within a certain time frame, then that's kind of like giving a gift and getting upset that the thank you card didn't come fast enough - you're giving the gift for the wrong reasons & you're reaching out for the wrong reasons. You should reach out because you want him to know how you're doing and you want to know how he's doing. If you just want to lay a guilt trip on him, he's justified not to respond. My aunts have ruined their relationship with their brothers by behaving this way - always asking for more time and then when the brother does show up, spending that time complaining that they don't see him enough. Why should they make an effort if that's the reception they get?

Anonymous wrote:You aren't going to change him so you need to change how you deal with him. A casual, "we are back from vacation, here are some pics" doesn't warrant a response. Honestly, you'd probably be just as pissed if he wrote back "okay" or "cool" (cool being what my husband would say). You are sending mixed signals and expecting him to know how to react to you. If you want a direct response, ask something that requires it.