No advice here. OP. I feel for you though.

My parents are a lot like your in laws. I handle it by not bringing up the equivalent of your BIL. When they bring up the subject, they quickly change the subject because I engage honestly and neutrally. I will use your situation to demonstrate how I handle these interactions.

OP: How about those Nats?
MIL: OP, Son, did you know that BIL has a new girlfriend? I think it's great, don't you? I am so hopeful because it is so normal to have a girlfriend. Isn't it great?
OP: No, it's not great. The girlfriend is mentally ill like BIL and has been stripped of custody of her children. Generally, that is not a good sign of stability or that one has the makings of a stable and positive romantic partner.
MIL: Oh. Well I just meant that he was so improved when we went out to visit...
OP: I don't share your opinion. He posts videos on Facebook that are rambling and threatening. He appears glassy eyed and dissheveled. Each one is worse than the last.
MIL: Well. All he really needs is to find a job that he feels passionate about and then everything will turn around.
OP: He is receiving SSDI. He won't be getting a job anytime soon. He has a lot to work on before he would able to begin even looking for a job. And then it won't be the kind of job that is going to turn anyone's life around. What you see now is likely the best of the rest of his life.
MIL: You're very negative. I try to be positive and I guess you don't.
OP: I am realistic. It doesn't serve anyone to pretend that trouble doesn't exist like you do.
MIL: How about those Nats?

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate your DH wanting to help. But there really isn't that much help out there for people who suffer from mental illness who are able to care for themselves and not interested in help. So I'm not sure what is so upsetting that your MIL tries to keep a positive outlook. Your BIL is already on SSDI so he already has the best benefit available without even having a diagnosis - income and healthcare. Unless you DH has some plan or idea of something available to your BIL that your BIL would accept, he should realize that your MIL is doing the best she can. It's not easy being the parent of a child with disabilities.

OP here. This is helpful, and I see your points. They give him a lot of help financially, and they correspond with his landlord to pay his rent directly, so he isn't actually able to care for himself. He looks frightening--underfed, disheveled, glassy-eyed. He rambles endlessly in FB videos he posts. He posted a video in which he yelled "F You" a million times to all the people who "want me to change" in which he eventually ripped his shirt off on camera. He posts 8-minute videos in which he says the same phrase over and over again. And more. DH has alerted MIL to these. He does not seek healthcare because he believes in healing himself--herbs, chanting, potions. He thinks flouride is poison and believes he can remove it--as well as radiation--from water by holding a glass and chanting. He has been confronted by police, threatened with violence by someone whose wife he called a "bitch," and kicked out of multiple establishments. I am afraid that eventually he will say or do the wrong thing to someone and they will hurt him. I am just afraid for him.

Anonymous wrote:
It looks like you and your husband are going to be on a bumpy ride with your MIL. She definitely is in denial and the more that you and your husband try to give her a reality check, the more she ignores the discussion.

The fact that your in-laws are encouraging your BIL's new dating situation is troubling. Now they will be dealing with "two" unstable people and your BIL's financial problems will probably escalate twofold as he will likely need extra money to date her and also "help her out" if she, too, has financial troubles--not to mention the potential for pregnancy.

Avoiding your in-laws sometimes is probably what your husband will need to do because being exposed to that kind of enabling by your MIL must be extremely frustrating.

Also, her "sunny" disposition is just false hope, not real hope since she probably has convinced herself that a relationship, or a good job, etc. will cure him; that won't happen if what he really needs is professional treatment.

OP here. Thanks. I have no idea what FIL thinks about BIL's new girlfriend--he said nothing. MIL definitely was pinning hopes that this woman could help turn things around for BIL--I hardly agree with this. This woman lost custody less than a year ago and apparently has a volatile relationship with her ex husband. BIL had a girlfriend some years ago who was a train wreck--my MIL got sucked into her drama with her own family, too. That girl became pregnant within a year or so of breaking it off with BIL. So I do worry about what could happen.

It is extremely frustrating to listen to MIL. I feel for her, but her personality--and FIL's--are what is partially to blame for not only BIL but how distant and f'ed up the entire family is. It's a long story, but my MIL is very self-involved and very concerned with her own well-being, and I think putting a positive spin on this serves her own purposes in the same way her positive spin on things has always served her purposes: namely, to show people what a normal family she has. It has been my observation that this approach has been a liability in her relationships with her children. My DH is not close with any of his siblings--it's sad. They all moved very far away from home asap. (We are the closest, at only a few hours away. The rest live across the country in different spots. BIL is up north.)

I appreciate your DH wanting to help. But there really isn't that much help out there for people who suffer from mental illness who are able to care for themselves and not interested in help. So I'm not sure what is so upsetting that your MIL tries to keep a positive outlook. Your BIL is already on SSDI so he already has the best benefit available without even having a diagnosis - income and healthcare. Unless you DH has some plan or idea of something available to your BIL that your BIL would accept, he should realize that your MIL is doing the best she can. It's not easy being the parent of a child with disabilities.