I just fundamentally don't understand what function the passive listener plays that can't be accomplished by talking to yourself. Seems like a waste of manpower.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bit about annoyance when talk to him to express indecision might have a gender component to it. I think women talk to process feelings in a way that men often do not and often don't understand.

Probably. DW called me last night because she was stuck in a storm and I have no idea what she was looking for from me. I'm not there, I can't evaluate whether she should get a hotel room or drive through the storm to come home. So we just sorta sit there on the phone and the inertia is like nails on a chalkboard. I told her if she doesn't feel safe driving then by all means get a hotel. Or she could stop and get some food to kill time while the weather clears up.

Geez. I call my DH with crap like this all of the time. He just helps me make a decision. I guess I can see why it is annoying, but I don't see why it has to be.

Im with you. I would DH too to get his opinion. It's called being in a supportive marriage.

"I want your opinion: here is the relevant information." is one thing.

"Here are words I don't want you to do anything with, the fact that they are hitting your ear drum somehow makes them more useful than if I just thought them to myself" is a different thing.

Pretty much this. If it's a routine problem like this then organize thoughts and let's talk, not just a stream of consciousness jumble of words.

But some of this is a personality / how you think thing. My husband processes his thoughts internally, while I find talking through a situation very helpful in figuring out what I think and coming to a decision. It does cause communications issues - I get annoyed when he just makes decisions without my input, and he gets annoyed about me talking too much about them - but it doesn't mean either of us is inherently right, just that we process information differently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bit about annoyance when talk to him to express indecision might have a gender component to it. I think women talk to process feelings in a way that men often do not and often don't understand.

Probably. DW called me last night because she was stuck in a storm and I have no idea what she was looking for from me. I'm not there, I can't evaluate whether she should get a hotel room or drive through the storm to come home. So we just sorta sit there on the phone and the inertia is like nails on a chalkboard. I told her if she doesn't feel safe driving then by all means get a hotel. Or she could stop and get some food to kill time while the weather clears up.

Geez. I call my DH with crap like this all of the time. He just helps me make a decision. I guess I can see why it is annoying, but I don't see why it has to be.

Im with you. I would DH too to get his opinion. It's called being in a supportive marriage.

"I want your opinion: here is the relevant information." is one thing.

"Here are words I don't want you to do anything with, the fact that they are hitting your ear drum somehow makes them more useful than if I just thought them to myself" is a different thing.

Sometimes I say to my DH, "I just need to vent about this; I do not need you to solve my problem or tell me what to do. What I need you to do is pat my arm and say, 'there, there.'" Then I vent, he listens with a caring look on his face, pats my arm, and says, "there, there."

Sometimes it ends there. Sometimes this leads to a fruitful discussion. Either way, I feel better, and it think he does too (knowing that he's given me what I asked for, as opposed to trying to guess what I want."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bit about annoyance when talk to him to express indecision might have a gender component to it. I think women talk to process feelings in a way that men often do not and often don't understand.

Probably. DW called me last night because she was stuck in a storm and I have no idea what she was looking for from me. I'm not there, I can't evaluate whether she should get a hotel room or drive through the storm to come home. So we just sorta sit there on the phone and the inertia is like nails on a chalkboard. I told her if she doesn't feel safe driving then by all means get a hotel. Or she could stop and get some food to kill time while the weather clears up.

Geez. I call my DH with crap like this all of the time. He just helps me make a decision. I guess I can see why it is annoying, but I don't see why it has to be.

Im with you. I would DH too to get his opinion. It's called being in a supportive marriage.

"I want your opinion: here is the relevant information." is one thing.

"Here are words I don't want you to do anything with, the fact that they are hitting your ear drum somehow makes them more useful than if I just thought them to myself" is a different thing.

Pretty much this. If it's a routine problem like this then organize thoughts and let's talk, not just a stream of consciousness jumble of words.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bit about annoyance when talk to him to express indecision might have a gender component to it. I think women talk to process feelings in a way that men often do not and often don't understand.

Probably. DW called me last night because she was stuck in a storm and I have no idea what she was looking for from me. I'm not there, I can't evaluate whether she should get a hotel room or drive through the storm to come home. So we just sorta sit there on the phone and the inertia is like nails on a chalkboard. I told her if she doesn't feel safe driving then by all means get a hotel. Or she could stop and get some food to kill time while the weather clears up.

Geez. I call my DH with crap like this all of the time. He just helps me make a decision. I guess I can see why it is annoying, but I don't see why it has to be.

Im with you. I would DH too to get his opinion. It's called being in a supportive marriage.

"I want your opinion: here is the relevant information." is one thing.

"Here are words I don't want you to do anything with, the fact that they are hitting your ear drum somehow makes them more useful than if I just thought them to myself" is a different thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bit about annoyance when talk to him to express indecision might have a gender component to it. I think women talk to process feelings in a way that men often do not and often don't understand.

Probably. DW called me last night because she was stuck in a storm and I have no idea what she was looking for from me. I'm not there, I can't evaluate whether she should get a hotel room or drive through the storm to come home. So we just sorta sit there on the phone and the inertia is like nails on a chalkboard. I told her if she doesn't feel safe driving then by all means get a hotel. Or she could stop and get some food to kill time while the weather clears up.

Geez. I call my DH with crap like this all of the time. He just helps me make a decision. I guess I can see why it is annoying, but I don't see why it has to be.

Im with you. I would DH too to get his opinion. It's called being in a supportive marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bit about annoyance when talk to him to express indecision might have a gender component to it. I think women talk to process feelings in a way that men often do not and often don't understand.

Probably. DW called me last night because she was stuck in a storm and I have no idea what she was looking for from me. I'm not there, I can't evaluate whether she should get a hotel room or drive through the storm to come home. So we just sorta sit there on the phone and the inertia is like nails on a chalkboard. I told her if she doesn't feel safe driving then by all means get a hotel. Or she could stop and get some food to kill time while the weather clears up.

Geez. I call my DH with crap like this all of the time. He just helps me make a decision. I guess I can see why it is annoying, but I don't see why it has to be.

I think it depends on the dynamic and the tone. If the husband feels the responsibility for the decision is on him, then it isn't fair. She is the one who ultimately needs to make the decision and as long as she takes full responsibility for her decisions (in this case drive or stay put) then she may just be looking for input without any shifting of responsibility. On the other hand if she wants him to make the decision or later complains about driving in the storm or wasting time staying put based on his input, then that isn't fair. Men generally are more solution focused and think you are asking them a question because you want an answer and a solution from them. They are less likely to just chatter about all the details without really wanting anything other than a listening ear. they want to know what you want from them when you start asking things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bit about annoyance when talk to him to express indecision might have a gender component to it. I think women talk to process feelings in a way that men often do not and often don't understand.

Probably. DW called me last night because she was stuck in a storm and I have no idea what she was looking for from me. I'm not there, I can't evaluate whether she should get a hotel room or drive through the storm to come home. So we just sorta sit there on the phone and the inertia is like nails on a chalkboard. I told her if she doesn't feel safe driving then by all means get a hotel. Or she could stop and get some food to kill time while the weather clears up.

Geez. I call my DH with crap like this all of the time. He just helps me make a decision. I guess I can see why it is annoying, but I don't see why it has to be.