It will never work if he's into wine and she's into whine.

Anonymous wrote:

I'm posting all that as examples of someone who seemed to have a whole "relationship" with alcohol. A large part of his life revolved around it. He didn't drink every day, but there was clearly some dysfunction there. If your new guy seems to have a relationship with alcohol, almost as if it's another person in his life, that is a big red flag. It's not about tolerance.

You sound like a whole judgement full of fun to date.

Anonymous wrote:More than three glasses a week is a heavy drinker most likely alcoholic

I laffed. You're kidding, right?

Anonymous wrote:I met a great guy. We have never been together when he is not drinking alcohol, except once, and his behavior was exactly the same as when he is drinking. I enjoy a glass or two of wine and one or two cocktails. I a female and around 120 pounds. Two drinks are my limit, with food, or I am not okay to drive. However, new guy is over 6 feet tall and over 200 pounds, easily. He is not fat, just a really big guy. Can he just handle his liquor better than I think he can?

It's not really a matter of handling his liquor, so much as it is a matter of his relationship to alcohol.

I dated a guy once who denied he had any drinking problem, and we would often do activities where there was no drinking involved whatsoever-- hiking, movies, etc. It's not like he was constantly drinking.

But some of the things I noticed about him and his "relationship" with alcohol were troubling:

--He planned his weekends with an eye to when he would have a chance to get "wasted," as he called it
--He told me that he couldn't have just one glass of wine-- he would want the whole bottle
--After heavy drinking, he would be miserable the next day with a hangover, but would still do it again the following weekend
--He was on a first name basis with the clerks at the liquor store
--His adult children were heavy social drinkers and a fun family activity was for everyone to drink a lot together
--Every single time we went out to a restaurant, he had to have at least 2 glasses of wine
--He would get upset with me if I didn't want to get drunk on the weekend with him
--He would stop drinking entirely for a month at a time so he could lose weight, and then he'd start again.

I'm posting all that as examples of someone who seemed to have a whole "relationship" with alcohol. A large part of his life revolved around it. He didn't drink every day, but there was clearly some dysfunction there. If your new guy seems to have a relationship with alcohol, almost as if it's another person in his life, that is a big red flag. It's not about tolerance.

16:07 again - now that I look at that calculator, the UK recs really end up endorsing maybe one glass of wine a day (2 units) for women. Two glasses would put you over their 2-3 unit limit. That seems in line with the kinds of limits being discussed in the United States.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
More than three glasses a week is a heavy drinker most likely alcoholic. Most normal people don't chronically drink every day or week.


I guess all the population of Europe and 60 percent of the population of the US are alcoholics.

Yes they have a small amount of wine with their meal..maybe 4-6 oz. in the US a 6 oz pour will get you laughed at.

Not sure what countries you are referring to, but in the UK, the NHS recommends men limit their consumption to 3-4 drinks A DAY and women to 2-3 drinks A DAY. The US has the lowest alcohol consumption of any western industrialized nation. Europeans are having a bit more than a "small amount of wine" with dinner.

I think our Puritan history may be unduly influencing your perception of what "too much alcohol" looks like.

I believe you may have misread that website. They are saying 3-4 units a day for men and 2-3 units for women. One unit does not equal one drink:

Units are a simple way of expressing the quantity of pure alcohol in a drink. One unit equals 10ml or 8g of pure alcohol, which is around the amount of alcohol the average adult can process in an hour. This means that within an hour there should be, in theory, little or no alcohol left in the blood of an adult, although this will vary from person to person.

The number of units in a drink is based on the size of the drink as well as its alcohol strength. For example, a pint of strong lager contains 3 units of alcohol, whereas the same volume of standard lager has just over 2 units.

So it's not as much as it sounds like on the first read - although, granted it might be more than is recommended in the United States. Here's the link I got this from: http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/alcohol/Pages/alcohol-units.aspx

Interesting page and it has a link to a calculator to show how many units are in each type of drink.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
More than three glasses a week is a heavy drinker most likely alcoholic. Most normal people don't chronically drink every day or week.


I guess all the population of Europe and 60 percent of the population of the US are alcoholics.

Yes they have a small amount of wine with their meal..maybe 4-6 oz. in the US a 6 oz pour will get you laughed at.

Not sure what countries you are referring to, but in the UK, the NHS recommends men limit their consumption to 3-4 drinks A DAY and women to 2-3 drinks A DAY. The US has the lowest alcohol consumption of any western industrialized nation. Europeans are having a bit more than a "small amount of wine" with dinner.

I think our Puritan history may be unduly influencing your perception of what "too much alcohol" looks like.

I dated a guy once who drank a ton when we were together. But I only saw maybe twice a week or so. Then one day, he declares that he's going to try to get in shape, and part of that was to limit his drinks per week to 21. That was his GOAL. To LIMIT his drinks to 21 per week. I just about died and we didn't last. No one needs that. If you're uncomfortable, get out now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met a great guy. We have never been together when he is not drinking alcohol, except once, and his behavior was exactly the same as when he is drinking. I enjoy a glass or two of wine and one or two cocktails. I a female and around 120 pounds. Two drinks are my limit, with food, or I am not okay to drive. However, new guy is over 6 feet tall and over 200 pounds, easily. He is not fat, just a really big guy. Can he just handle his liquor better than I think he can?

I am wondering why you brought this up OP. Is it because he drives after he consumes alcohol? If so, then that is a red flag because no one should drink & drive regardless of their size.
I wouldn't want to date someone who did that, it is very reckless behavior and it could lead to legal problems down the line for him.

Maybe he can hold his liquor better due to his size, but if he acts the same whether he drinks or not, then I wonder why he feels it is necessary to drink for the majority of your dates.

Listen to that little voice inside you.

I think you know it is trying to nudge you that something is not right here.

I think she mentioned to show what her general tolerance is and that she can't keep up with him and remain sober.

Anonymous wrote:
More than three glasses a week is a heavy drinker most likely alcoholic. Most normal people don't chronically drink every day or week.


I guess all the population of Europe and 60 percent of the population of the US are alcoholics.

Yes they have a small amount of wine with their meal..maybe 4-6 oz. in the US a 6 oz pour will get you laughed at.

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be alert to this, OP. My spouse is an alcoholic, but I didn't realize it until we were married and I was pregnant with our first child. Always having a drink after work and when we were out, etc, but never acted different and was always very good to me. But there was more substance abuse going on than I was aware of. It's been a very hard road that I wouldn't wish on any one or do over again if I had the choice. Stay alert to this.

This describes my situation as well -- didn't realize it until after pregnant. Now exDH was stealing my prescription meds and drinking secretively. I had to mark alcohol bottles and count pills to understand what was going on. He was medicating MI. If you met him, you would never guess he has a problem. We argued for a long time about whether he was an alcoholic or not. It didn't matter to me. He was engaging in "problem drinking behaviors" -- drinking alone, drinking even though someone asked you to stop, drinking to get to sleep, drinking even when on medication that contraindicates drinking, and drinking fairly regularly/heavily on a daily basis even though there was a very strong family history of alcoholism/rehab/mental illness.

I also, in retrospect, would have made a different choice, if I had understood how important the red flags seemed. I would have broken up with him at the first signs and not "given him a chance". I know that sounds harsh, but the reality of these illnesses (either substance abuse or MI) is that the person themselves has to admit they have a problem and work really hard to get help. When you meet someone who's not at that stage yet, the road is likely to be a very long and painful, and I would argue, adding a relationship/obligations to another person, only make it harder for the abuser.

Anonymous wrote:I met a great guy. We have never been together when he is not drinking alcohol, except once, and his behavior was exactly the same as when he is drinking. I enjoy a glass or two of wine and one or two cocktails. I a female and around 120 pounds. Two drinks are my limit, with food, or I am not okay to drive. However, new guy is over 6 feet tall and over 200 pounds, easily. He is not fat, just a really big guy. Can he just handle his liquor better than I think he can?

I am wondering why you brought this up OP. Is it because he drives after he consumes alcohol? If so, then that is a red flag because no one should drink & drive regardless of their size.
I wouldn't want to date someone who did that, it is very reckless behavior and it could lead to legal problems down the line for him.

Maybe he can hold his liquor better due to his size, but if he acts the same whether he drinks or not, then I wonder why he feels it is necessary to drink for the majority of your dates.

Listen to that little voice inside you.

I think you know it is trying to nudge you that something is not right here.

OP, are you doing things together that naturally involve alcohol? In my mind, if we're eating in a restaurant and it's evening (or a weekend), that's fair game for a drink. If we're at a party or a BBQ, yes, we're drinking. 99% of the people in my circle are the same way. Now, we're not drinking to excess all the time. For me, two drinks in a night out is about my standard.

How much is he drinking when you go out, over how many hours? Sometimes you feel awkward being at a bar and not drinking if everyone else is.

Anonymous wrote:If his drinking is troubling you, this is not the relationship you ought to be in. Problem drinking isn't always about the amount of alcohol consumed. It can be about the context of the drinking.
One cause of tension in my marriage was that my (now ex) husband would always drink when we went out so I was always the DD. I wouldn't have minded so much except I was usually very tired and it made driving more stressful. He had a short commute via metro but I drove 45 min each day so going out became one more chore for me due to his drinking.
If you resent how much your new guy drinks or you think he has a problem, heed the red flag.

Agreed. If his drinking makes you uncomfortable you should reconsider the relationship. Whether he's an alcoholic or not is hard to detect at this early stage. But if you are troubled now I cannot imagine you will feel any less so in he future.

I agree with the poster who suggests that you schedule your next date in a context where there is no menu to order drinks from. If I am on a date at a restaurant or bar, there is a very high likelihood that I will order a drink.

In response to the OP's other question, yes, larger people generally require higher levels of consumption before they feel impaired than do smaller people. My husband outweighs me by close to 50 pounds and can probably consume 2 drinks to my 1 and be fine.

As for the PP who says 3 drinks = heavy drinker/alcoholic, I'd love to see your cite for that stat.