Anonymous
07/02/2014 19:03
Subject: How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
Anonymous wrote:For the parents who have older children and have advocated honesty (PP for example), I have a question: how open were you about your own, grown-up problems? Financial worries that affect family life, personal problems that affect your patience, etc.
With my older DD, I've:
answered briefly but honestly
only discussed it if she asked me
always closed with reassurance that I was on top of the problem and that minimizing the impact on her and her sister was a priority
Anonymous
07/02/2014 18:58
Subject: Re:How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
Anonymous wrote:OP here - this is all very interesting. For those with good relationships, how did discipline work? My three-year old simply doesn't listen a lot of times and I tend to be more of a traditional disciplinarian (e.g., stern voice, consistent time outs after a warning, not allowing treats if she is acting poorly). But this makes me feel like a warden - yet I know I need to enforce rules. It's so confusing!
Oddly, I don't think my parents' disciplinary style was problematic for our relationship. I was spanked and many times harshly spoken to when I did very bad things, but I don't think that was traumatizing. What was very harmful was being told how I didn't measure up to my gifted sister and being forced to try to emulate her gifts, which I never could do. My parents were basically either ignoring me or telling me how I was not good enough. When I left for college, they didn't call or write for months. I think that's an easy problem to avoid repeating. But in the back of my mind I wonder if my method of discipline is a path to distance in the future.
I do need to work on patience. That can be tough!
Consistent parenting works best in the context of unconditional love and acceptance. My husband and I argue, sometimes loudly
but we don't remove our love and affection for one another, and it's not threatening because we know we're "safe" with each other.
Don't forget to apologize to your little one if you realize later that you came on too strong or did something wrong (or maybe didn't discipline when you should have). I tell my DDs I'm not perfect, but I sure do try, and my #1 goal in life is to help my kids make good choices and be happy, healthy, and surrounded by people who love them!
Anonymous
07/02/2014 16:45
Subject: Re:How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
I don't know the answer but we have five children ...... all adults and all living away from home.
Three of em call at least once every single day; two call one or two times a week. They usually call during their commute.
I agree with the positive discipline aspect and we are also supportive but not judgmental at all. We also realized that once they left home for college our ability to influence them was limited. Any impact we had on their value systems, etc had to have been imparted before then. Also, having low expectations helps in dealing with something or the other they should have done but did not do so.
I don't know if these are the reasons why they are so close to us.
Three of em call at least once every single day; two call one or two times a week. They usually call during their commute.
I agree with the positive discipline aspect and we are also supportive but not judgmental at all. We also realized that once they left home for college our ability to influence them was limited. Any impact we had on their value systems, etc had to have been imparted before then. Also, having low expectations helps in dealing with something or the other they should have done but did not do so.
I don't know if these are the reasons why they are so close to us.
Anonymous
07/02/2014 16:43
Subject: Re:How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
Anonymous wrote:
OP here - this is all very interesting. For those with good relationships, how did discipline work? My three-year old simply doesn't listen a lot of times and I tend to be more of a traditional disciplinarian (e.g., stern voice, consistent time outs after a warning, not allowing treats if she is acting poorly). But this makes me feel like a warden - yet I know I need to enforce rules. It's so confusing!
Oddly, I don't think my parents' disciplinary style was problematic for our relationship. I was spanked and many times harshly spoken to when I did very bad things, but I don't think that was traumatizing. What was very harmful was being told how I didn't measure up to my gifted sister and being forced to try to emulate her gifts, which I never could do. My parents were basically either ignoring me or telling me how I was not good enough. When I left for college, they didn't call or write for months. I think that's an easy problem to avoid repeating. But in the back of my mind I wonder if my method of discipline is a path to distance in the future.
I do need to work on patience. That can be tough!
I'm the PP with 4 siblings and great parents, and they were pretty strict. Not authoritarian, but consistent and they had high expectations for our behavior, particularly when we were young and learning how to behave. My mom had mastered the don't-you-dare-to-disobey-me look and the family story goes that she broke a spoon while spanking my strong-willed brother (who probably ended up closest to her of any of us). I think the key though was that we knew what to expect, they did not have arbitrary rules (or rather, only a few arbitrary rules that were applied consistently!), and in general they approached their kids with love and understanding - not a desire to control.
Anonymous
07/02/2014 16:34
Subject: How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
My four siblings and I all have great relationships with my Dad and each other, and did with my mom too until she died 8 years ago. Things I think my parents did right:
- Enjoyed spending time with us and let us know it.
- Gave us space to be whoever we wanted to be. They had high expectations for us in the sense that they expected we be good people and do well in life, but they gave us a large amount of independence to choose our own paths and did not meddle.
- Were very involved in our lives without being overinvolved: family dinner every night, supported our pursuits and attended events, and let us know in words and actions that we could always come to them with problems.
- Modeled love, kindness, and acceptance.
- Were pretty non-judgmental, fun, laid back, and drama free.
- Enjoyed spending time with us and let us know it.
- Gave us space to be whoever we wanted to be. They had high expectations for us in the sense that they expected we be good people and do well in life, but they gave us a large amount of independence to choose our own paths and did not meddle.
- Were very involved in our lives without being overinvolved: family dinner every night, supported our pursuits and attended events, and let us know in words and actions that we could always come to them with problems.
- Modeled love, kindness, and acceptance.
- Were pretty non-judgmental, fun, laid back, and drama free.
Anonymous
07/02/2014 16:04
Subject: How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
If children understand relationships, and how they work, they have everything. if they can not relate to human beings on a basic level, if you put socialization low on their "list" of priorities", you are doing them a HUGE disservice in their lives.
Anonymous
07/02/2014 15:45
Subject: Re:How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
Anonymous wrote:OP here - this is all very interesting. For those with good relationships, how did discipline work? My three-year old simply doesn't listen a lot of times and I tend to be more of a traditional disciplinarian (e.g., stern voice, consistent time outs after a warning, not allowing treats if she is acting poorly). But this makes me feel like a warden - yet I know I need to enforce rules. It's so confusing!
Oddly, I don't think my parents' disciplinary style was problematic for our relationship. I was spanked and many times harshly spoken to when I did very bad things, but I don't think that was traumatizing. What was very harmful was being told how I didn't measure up to my gifted sister and being forced to try to emulate her gifts, which I never could do. My parents were basically either ignoring me or telling me how I was not good enough. When I left for college, they didn't call or write for months. I think that's an easy problem to avoid repeating. But in the back of my mind I wonder if my method of discipline is a path to distance in the future.
I do need to work on patience. That can be tough!
Hang in there. If you do the hard parenting early and consistently, kids are better behaved as they get older and you don't have to do as much. My middle school aged kids don't get into much trouble as they used to. They know what the rules are and they why the rules are the rules. They know how to behave. They are good kids.
Anonymous
07/02/2014 15:37
Subject: Re:How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
OP here - this is all very interesting. For those with good relationships, how did discipline work? My three-year old simply doesn't listen a lot of times and I tend to be more of a traditional disciplinarian (e.g., stern voice, consistent time outs after a warning, not allowing treats if she is acting poorly). But this makes me feel like a warden - yet I know I need to enforce rules. It's so confusing!
Oddly, I don't think my parents' disciplinary style was problematic for our relationship. I was spanked and many times harshly spoken to when I did very bad things, but I don't think that was traumatizing. What was very harmful was being told how I didn't measure up to my gifted sister and being forced to try to emulate her gifts, which I never could do. My parents were basically either ignoring me or telling me how I was not good enough. When I left for college, they didn't call or write for months. I think that's an easy problem to avoid repeating. But in the back of my mind I wonder if my method of discipline is a path to distance in the future.
I do need to work on patience. That can be tough!
Oddly, I don't think my parents' disciplinary style was problematic for our relationship. I was spanked and many times harshly spoken to when I did very bad things, but I don't think that was traumatizing. What was very harmful was being told how I didn't measure up to my gifted sister and being forced to try to emulate her gifts, which I never could do. My parents were basically either ignoring me or telling me how I was not good enough. When I left for college, they didn't call or write for months. I think that's an easy problem to avoid repeating. But in the back of my mind I wonder if my method of discipline is a path to distance in the future.
I do need to work on patience. That can be tough!
Anonymous
07/02/2014 15:00
Subject: How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
For the parents who have older children and have advocated honesty (PP for example), I have a question: how open were you about your own, grown-up problems? Financial worries that affect family life, personal problems that affect your patience, etc.
Anonymous
07/02/2014 13:39
Subject: How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
As a mother w/three grown children, my only advice would be to always be honest with your children because that is the foundation for any good relationship.
Also, be approachable and an open communicator as well as a very self-less parent, always put your children's needs ahead of your own when they are young. Trust me, they will remember the sacrifices you made for them when they get older.
Be their parent vs. their peer, set boundaries and always be consistent.
And most important ------> Give them unconditional love. That is truly priceless.
Also, be approachable and an open communicator as well as a very self-less parent, always put your children's needs ahead of your own when they are young. Trust me, they will remember the sacrifices you made for them when they get older.
Be their parent vs. their peer, set boundaries and always be consistent.
And most important ------> Give them unconditional love. That is truly priceless.
Anonymous
07/02/2014 12:42
Subject: How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I've wondered about this too. I don't have a particularly close relationship with my parents. I made an effort to have a conversation with my mom this past weekend and found the few benign statements I made were met by either a dismissive or contradictory remark, which just reminded me why I don't share with her. I don't want this type of relationship with my kids when they are adults and worry about it.
I have this same issue with both of my parents. Anything I say is met with a dismissive or contradictory remark also! And, just like you said, I choose not to share anything with them anymore. To be honest, I'd say that I stopped sharing with my parents around when I became a teenager, and never shared after that. I have tried many times, and it never ends well.
So, I worry about this a ton! I really want to have a better relationship with my kids. So, this thread has been really interesting to read.
+1
For me, my parents let their own fears and hang-ups interfere with my life. They didn't want me going to a college that was more than an hour away, etc.
Anonymous
07/02/2014 12:39
Subject: How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
Be there for them at all times. Let them know they are the most important thing in your life.
Anonymous
07/02/2014 12:14
Subject: How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
OP, I'm in the exact same boat. DH and I had countless conversations about how to be better parents before we had our children. I'm terrified our kids will grow up and, like us, want little to do with our parents. But - the things I've noticed that I try to do differently so far are
1) respect my kids and their opinions. I have to treat them with respect. It's a two-way street.
2) have patience, even when it's inconvenient. My mother only had patience for me when there was nothing else happening and no other demands on her time. It was obvious.
3) make sure everyone treats each other with kindness. No bullies or pretending things didn't happen.
I can only hope and pray that I model good behavior so I'm friends with my kids when we're all adults.
1) respect my kids and their opinions. I have to treat them with respect. It's a two-way street.
2) have patience, even when it's inconvenient. My mother only had patience for me when there was nothing else happening and no other demands on her time. It was obvious.
3) make sure everyone treats each other with kindness. No bullies or pretending things didn't happen.
I can only hope and pray that I model good behavior so I'm friends with my kids when we're all adults.
Anonymous
07/02/2014 12:05
Subject: How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
Anonymous wrote:I've wondered about this too. I don't have a particularly close relationship with my parents. I made an effort to have a conversation with my mom this past weekend and found the few benign statements I made were met by either a dismissive or contradictory remark, which just reminded me why I don't share with her. I don't want this type of relationship with my kids when they are adults and worry about it.
I have this same issue with both of my parents. Anything I say is met with a dismissive or contradictory remark also! And, just like you said, I choose not to share anything with them anymore. To be honest, I'd say that I stopped sharing with my parents around when I became a teenager, and never shared after that. I have tried many times, and it never ends well.
So, I worry about this a ton! I really want to have a better relationship with my kids. So, this thread has been really interesting to read.
Anonymous
07/02/2014 11:56
Subject: Re:How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids
My two oldest kids are 19 and 22. Both go to school across the country. Luckily for me, their schools are only about an hour from each other so we can knock out both visits in one trip. I am trying to think back on what I did - we are all close and talk about twice a week.
I spent any time they'd welcome me. I welcomed their friends into the house (even the ones I didn't like). I listened when they talked. When I said no to requests, I explained why in such a way they understood both why my "no" was reasonable and what they'd have to do to have their request fulfilled.
Interesting tidbits that come up here often: We ate dinner together once a week, maybe. And I never read to them after they learned how to read. I never nursed the oldest, and only nursed the 19 yr old for the first 3 months. They had no tv until they got acceptance letters to college. I yelled a lot.
I spent any time they'd welcome me. I welcomed their friends into the house (even the ones I didn't like). I listened when they talked. When I said no to requests, I explained why in such a way they understood both why my "no" was reasonable and what they'd have to do to have their request fulfilled.
Interesting tidbits that come up here often: We ate dinner together once a week, maybe. And I never read to them after they learned how to read. I never nursed the oldest, and only nursed the 19 yr old for the first 3 months. They had no tv until they got acceptance letters to college. I yelled a lot.