Anonymous wrote:My parents have turned DS into their reason to live. They retired and talked about doing other things-- taking on new hobbies and traveling-- but it never worked out that way. While I'm so happy they love and care for DS, it becomes somewhat burdensome at times because DH and I cannot accommodate their emotional needs. DS was not born for THEM, and they seem to have a hard time accepting that. My mother had a vision of being the grandmother who watches her grandchildren every day while I head out to work. Unfortunately for her, it hasn't worked out that way. DH and I saved up, I work part-time and we'll send DS to pre-school when he's ready. My parents need to be needed and for this they really need therapy but will never seek it out. As a result of all of this, my mother tends to make a lot of passive aggressive statements about her role as a grandparent. Makes me wonder if there's some grandparenting book out there they're all reading titled "Asserting Yourself As the Alpha Grandma."

This sounds exactly like my MIL who is also a score keeper and constantly trying to get rid of me and have DD to herself. She even wants to sleep on the floor in DD's room when she visits.

I tried to get my DH to handle her but it hasn't worked so well (she has a ton of issues unrelated to this post but he has spent his life simultaneously being embarrassed by and defensive of her and if I criticize her too much he switches to defensive mode). Here's what worked for me, OP:
1. If I have an issue with MIL's behavior, handle it myself using very direct and unemotional words
2. Keep our schedule somewhat busy so that it's harder for her to visit (they live six hours away and see the baby every six weeks though MIL would come every other weekend if we let her)
3. Let DH handle most of the interactions. At first I would email her the same photos and videos I sent my parents to minimize the score keeping. However that resulted in her sending bizarre emails demanding I send pictures every single day, so I stopped. I send the photos to DH and let him decide whether or not to send to her but I no longer receive her barrage of emails (13 in one day demanding photos). DH is also responsible for scheduling their visits and I try to take at least one afternoon to myself
4. I recognize that she loves the baby and the baby loves her and I'd never want to get in the middle of that so I try not to let her "get" to me when she does stuff like try to kick me out of my own house so she can babysit. It took a long time - baby is now really a toddler at almost 2 years old and I'm still working on it but the more I try to view her as someone to be tolerated every once in awhile, the easier it gets.
5.As someone else said, I give her as little info about my family as possible - the less she knows the harder it is to be competitive.

Distant and polite but firm is my mantra.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You have a legitimate reason for letting your retired parents provide childcare for two days a week so that you can go to work to earn a living. That does not mean that the In-Laws should automatically get to do casual babysitting if you don't need it yet.

OP here - right, the last thing I want is for this to turn into "score keeping."

My MIL is a HUGE scorekeeper. I try to deal with it by minimizing what I tell her about my own mother. Obviously, you have a weekly routine that will involve your parents, so that will be hard to deal with. But other than that, try not to mention or tell her when your parents come over or do something for you or the baby. The less they know, the better. You do NOT have to "make up" time for your in-laws just because your own mother is helping with childcare.

You need to get your DH involved. He should be helping to fend off the repeated requests. He can do it kindly, no one wants to scare off potential toddler baby sitters, but he should handle their requests. If they ask you, just say "oh, you should check with DH". And then DH tells them no and leaves you OUT of the reason why. Don't bring up breast feeding, just have him say "I don't think we're there yet" over and over again.

OP, if you don't feel comfortable going out for a long period and leaving the baby, that's your choice. But they may stop bugging you if you find a way to give them some alone time with the baby without having to be gone for more than an hour or two. For example, could they come over one day and watch him for an hour or so while you take a nap, shower, long walk? You wont be very far but at least they will feel like they are getting real bonding time. Or maybe you could take him to the mall and your ILs can walk around with him while you get some shopping done or get a manicure. Maybe just a little bit of time without you will make them happy and it will give you a bit of a break.

Personally, I welcomed those breaks but that's just me. I also breastfed but gave DS a bottle around 6 weeks old at least a few times a week. When I knew my mom or MIL was going to be around, I would wait to give him the bottle at that time, usually right after I pumped. So I was able to relax and pump while the baby was entertained and they got to give him a bottle, which is really important to grandmothers--they LOVE to feed their grandkids, no matter how old they are.

OP, I agree that your in laws are way overboard and your DH should make things clear to them, but there are ways to handle things.

Yes, their desire to babysit is about them, but it still means that you will get great care from them (unless you have reason to think otherwise). Be nice about their offers and say you aren't ready but you will be excited to get a night out after you go back to work and perhaps they can babysit then?

And if you are giving a bottle, perhaps they could give one of the bottles as prep for daycare - save it for when they are there.

Don't give in on your priorities, but where it fits, let them be helpful. And thank them for what they do.

My MIL is a bit overbearing but I've tried to make it work for me as much as I can. I do not take any criticism and refuse to do things in ways that make me uncomfortable, but I certainly am willing to accept their help. My son is older, but after a few months (things are still too early for you maybe) I was happy to let my MIL hold the baby, dress him, and even play and read on the floor while I was out of the room, say showering or prepping dinner. Yes, it's about them, but isn't that the best kind of help, the one who loves your child as much as you do?

Anonymous wrote:My parents have turned DS into their reason to live. They retired and talked about doing other things-- taking on new hobbies and traveling-- but it never worked out that way. While I'm so happy they love and care for DS, it becomes somewhat burdensome at times because DH and I cannot accommodate their emotional needs. DS was not born for THEM, and they seem to have a hard time accepting that. My mother had a vision of being the grandmother who watches her grandchildren every day while I head out to work. Unfortunately for her, it hasn't worked out that way. DH and I saved up, I work part-time and we'll send DS to pre-school when he's ready. My parents need to be needed and for this they really need therapy but will never seek it out. As a result of all of this, my mother tends to make a lot of passive aggressive statements about her role as a grandparent. Makes me wonder if there's some grandparenting book out there they're all reading titled "Asserting Yourself As the Alpha Grandma."

Then you need to "train her up!" Simple behavioral conditioning. The next time she makes one of her passive aggressive comments, say "I'm not engaging in emotional manipulation. If you choose to make another comment like that, I will either leave, ask you to leave or let you know I'm hanging up the phone." She'll try to argue with you. Don't respond other than "Again, if you choose to make another comment, I will leave, ask you to leave or hang up. It's that simple." And then wait for her to test you. Really, wait for it. Be on the look out for. Pray for it to happen. Because when it does, all you do is leave, ask her to leave or hang up. Rinse and repeat every.single.time. If you're consistent and don't verbally engage with her--just leave--she'll figure it out quickly.

People look to you for how to treat you.

My parents have turned DS into their reason to live. They retired and talked about doing other things-- taking on new hobbies and traveling-- but it never worked out that way. While I'm so happy they love and care for DS, it becomes somewhat burdensome at times because DH and I cannot accommodate their emotional needs. DS was not born for THEM, and they seem to have a hard time accepting that. My mother had a vision of being the grandmother who watches her grandchildren every day while I head out to work. Unfortunately for her, it hasn't worked out that way. DH and I saved up, I work part-time and we'll send DS to pre-school when he's ready. My parents need to be needed and for this they really need therapy but will never seek it out. As a result of all of this, my mother tends to make a lot of passive aggressive statements about her role as a grandparent. Makes me wonder if there's some grandparenting book out there they're all reading titled "Asserting Yourself As the Alpha Grandma."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You have a legitimate reason for letting your retired parents provide childcare for two days a week so that you can go to work to earn a living. That does not mean that the In-Laws should automatically get to do casual babysitting if you don't need it yet.

OP here - right, the last thing I want is for this to turn into "score keeping."

Sounds like it's already too late for that, if ILs are already pushing to babysit DC. Just be firm and don't feel bad about hurting their feelings. If they can't respect when you say 'no' then it's their problem, not yours.

Your DH needs to handle his parents.

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're dealing with this OP. As a working mother, I was also VERY strict on only breastfeeding when I was home/around the baby and only wanted my DS to have a bottle when he was at daycare...especially in the first few months where building your supply/establishing a breastfeeding relationship is so important.

I just wanted you to know I understand and get you and try not to listen to the people that are putting you down. Breastfeeding is clearly important to you and no one should make you feel bad for that or pressure you to do something you don't want to do with you baby. Hopefully your husband can have a serious talk with his parents about this soon.

OP here, thank you, PP! It's nice to get some support here.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're dealing with this OP. As a working mother, I was also VERY strict on only breastfeeding when I was home/around the baby and only wanted my DS to have a bottle when he was at daycare...especially in the first few months where building your supply/establishing a breastfeeding relationship is so important.

I just wanted you to know I understand and get you and try not to listen to the people that are putting you down. Breastfeeding is clearly important to you and no one should make you feel bad for that or pressure you to do something you don't want to do with you baby. Hopefully your husband can have a serious talk with his parents about this soon.

My parents keep score with my in laws. It drives me f'ing nuts. Don't put up with it in the slightest. I haven't totally figured it out yet, but I certainly call then on it when it's obvious.

Anonymous wrote:
You have a legitimate reason for letting your retired parents provide childcare for two days a week so that you can go to work to earn a living. That does not mean that the In-Laws should automatically get to do casual babysitting if you don't need it yet.

OP here - right, the last thing I want is for this to turn into "score keeping."

You have a legitimate reason for letting your retired parents provide childcare for two days a week so that you can go to work to earn a living. That does not mean that the In-Laws should automatically get to do casual babysitting if you don't need it yet.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really need to have DH handle this. You and he get to make the decisions about baby. Period. If. They start in with the comments, simply change the subject or leave the room. You do not have to justify your parenting choices to anyone.

And honestly, try to see them a bit less often.

"I am soaking up these last few weeks of maternity leave with DS. See you in a couple of weeks!"

Because, realistically, you will have much less time for socializing when you go back to work.

Also practice saying, "This works just fine for us!" with a smile.

You be trippin'