I can't stand being in weddings, but there's usually no good reason to say no. Your dh will have to decide for himself, but it's not so much about standing up for his new BIL (who he barely knows) as it is being part of his sister's wedding. I do think it's odd that you weren't asked, but since you know that you don't get along, she's clearly has the same idea.

As for your not yet born (?) daughter - by the time baby is 9 month old you won't be in the deer in headlights phase of being a new parent. Flower girls typically don't have to do much other than show up in a predetermined dress. Have dh remind sil that babies aren't walking at 9 months and are generally not so predictable in terms of cooperating for pictures, so it's a "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" situation. She needs to know that she can't be upset if a 9 month old refuses to sit in a wagon or sit still for pictures. It all depends on her expectations. But flower girls don't have the other hassles and expenses that go into wedding parties, so you're probably best off here keeping the peace and going with it.

Seriously weddings bring out the crazies in everyone. You sound like you're bringing the crazy yourself about overthinking this. Just be in the wedding and relax about it. Have a sitter on hand in case you need one for DD. In the grand scheme of things, who cares? You're looking for a problem where one doesn't really exist.

As have you even had the baby yet???

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most flower girls that age are in wagons or are carried down the aisle. Basically just for pics.

Regardless of your hatred of SIL, you should let her niece be a flower girl. I bet she thinks it's a nice thing to ask.

Conversely if I had a child near that age and they weren't asked to be a flower girl/ring bearer I'd be upset.

Really? DH had 5 nieces and 3 nephews. None of them were in our wedding. We each had two people stand up with us and that was it. No one expressed any feelings of being left out.

Totally agree! My brother just got married and my DD was 18 months. He called to ask if we would be offended if DD wasn't included in their wedding party. I said absolutely not and happily left her with my ILs for the evening. I had a better time without having her there.

If I were in your situation, OP, I would prob say yes bc I agree with an earlier PP that it's best to pick battles with crazy relatives. But I would be very clear about expectations and an exit strategy from the get-go.

OP, I have a four year old who is supposed to be walking down the aisle in an upcoming wedding. There is no way this will happen. He will freak out over the crowd factor. I told the bride this and she decided to make him an honorary ring bearer in the program but he didn't walk. That way, we didn't deal with tears or drama the day of and she got to use his name in the program as if she asked. Puts the blame on us, not them.

At 9 months? How will she get down the aisle?

I think at this age it is more honorary, I'd probably go with it

Anonymous wrote:

Baby flower girl concerns aside, the bigger problem is that your SIL slighted you and didn't invite you to be in the wedding party whether you wanted to or not.

She deliberately included two out of three and excluded you. Then she will probably make a big fuss over the plans for your baby flower girl and husband until the wedding and more exclusion.

She sounds like a piece of work.

New poster here.

I really don't think this is a slight towards the OP. It's VERY common for the groom to ask the bride's brother to be a groomsman, and maybe SIL just wants "a flower girl" and OP's baby is the only young girl in their family/friends circle.
When I married, it did not occur to me to ask my brother's girlfriends (neither were married at the time) or my Dh's inlaws to be included in the wedding. I asked one of his sisters to be a bridesmaid, and the other to do a reading. I did not ask his brother's fiance to be a bridesmaid, do a reading, or in any way participate in the wedding other than being a guest. It was not meant as a "slight." Being a member of the wedding party is a big obligation, and I didn't want to ask anyone to commit to that unless I felt they were close enough to really WANT to.

Is she really bothering you with this when you are 7 or 8 months pregnant??? Can you just say sure and then let it dawn on her how impractical this is once your baby gets to be around 4-6 months old? That she won't miraculously be walking by 9 months?

Anonymous wrote:

Baby flower girl concerns aside, the bigger problem is that your SIL slighted you and didn't invite you to be in the wedding party whether you wanted to or not.

She deliberately included two out of three and excluded you. Then she will probably make a big fuss over the plans for your baby flower girl and husband until the wedding and more exclusion.

She sounds like a piece of work.

Or you could point that this makes you a de facto member of the wedding party because that baby ain't walking herself down the aisle! That may make her rethink things since she clearly doesn't want you involved.

Anonymous wrote:You know, I am a big fan of picking your battles with difficult family members. Do you want this to be a source of resentment? If you are curious about the logistics of having a 9 month old be a flower girl, why don't you just ask SIL? Now, I have no doubt that she is probably crazy and moody and has never been nice to you, but this is a way to maybe get some goodwill in your relationship with her. You can be the bigger woman here. And it's her wedding, let her have whatever crazy weird stuff she wants. I've heard of stranger things than a baby flower girl.

+1 It's just the right thing to do, even though she didn't extend you the same courtesy. It will only make things worse with her if you refuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the responses. It didn't even occur to me that she is only excluding me from the wedding... Talked to DH last night and he agrees that a baby flower girl is silly at best. He is going to take care of talking to his sister this weekend.

OMG, you are SO ready to be offended. I would never mind my DH's sibling not asking me to be part of the wedding while including DH and DD. At all. I think you should mellow out for the sake of a happy family.

Agreed - she should be having her siblings and girlfriends, not every female related to her by blood or marriage. Plus one less dress to buy, shower to host, group drama to deal with . . . It's a blessing not to be asked!!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the responses. It didn't even occur to me that she is only excluding me from the wedding... Talked to DH last night and he agrees that a baby flower girl is silly at best. He is going to take care of talking to his sister this weekend.

OMG, you are SO ready to be offended. I would never mind my DH's sibling not asking me to be part of the wedding while including DH and DD. At all. I think you should mellow out for the sake of a happy family.

OP here. Thanks for all of the responses. It didn't even occur to me that she is only excluding me from the wedding... Talked to DH last night and he agrees that a baby flower girl is silly at best. He is going to take care of talking to his sister this weekend.

Baby flower girl concerns aside, the bigger problem is that your SIL slighted you and didn't invite you to be in the wedding party whether you wanted to or not.

She deliberately included two out of three and excluded you. Then she will probably make a big fuss over the plans for your baby flower girl and husband until the wedding and more exclusion.

She sounds like a piece of work.