Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 11:15     Subject: Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you aren't quite decided what you want to do? If you are certain you won't have kids through any means (including DE/adoption), than it is time to really get to work on mourning and grieving the life you didn't have, perhaps through therapy, meditation, whatever works for you. If there is still a seed of hope or eally stubborn streak to keep trying (like I had), then I'd just go for broke and do everything you can to make it happen before you really commit to letting go of that. It's hard to grieve/let go until you've tried *everything*. At least that's how I work!


I respectfully have to disagree with part of your advice. It's not always the right thing to "go for broke" and leave nothing on the table. Wiping yourself out (financially, emotionally) isn't healthy, no matter what the ultimate outcome of your infertility crisis. Part of this is, of course, you have the option to reclaim your life before infertility destroys it.

One of the things I needed time (like 1-2 years) after choosing to stop infertility treatment was grappling with how much it had destroyed my world view, my relationships with friends and family, the strain it put on my marriage, my body image. I think that even if we had had kids, I still would have needed to deal with all those feelings. it doesn't magically disappear once a baby lands in your arms. It's simmering underneath.

My point is that if you won't stop until you have nothing left, what have you gained?


PP, I think this is really well stated, and something that some people underestimate. I've seen couples that are so single-minded about pursuing their baby that they lose sight of everything else, at tremendous personal cost. I think that sometimes the infertility community feeds on itself a little too much, and we put everything on hold, including our other relationships. I remember being so angry at my brother and his wife for getting pregnant with their third child, and then I realized that I had lost all perspective.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 10:58     Subject: Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you aren't quite decided what you want to do? If you are certain you won't have kids through any means (including DE/adoption), than it is time to really get to work on mourning and grieving the life you didn't have, perhaps through therapy, meditation, whatever works for you. If there is still a seed of hope or eally stubborn streak to keep trying (like I had), then I'd just go for broke and do everything you can to make it happen before you really commit to letting go of that. It's hard to grieve/let go until you've tried *everything*. At least that's how I work!


I respectfully have to disagree with part of your advice. It's not always the right thing to "go for broke" and leave nothing on the table. Wiping yourself out (financially, emotionally) isn't healthy, no matter what the ultimate outcome of your infertility crisis. Part of this is, of course, you have the option to reclaim your life before infertility destroys it.

One of the things I needed time (like 1-2 years) after choosing to stop infertility treatment was grappling with how much it had destroyed my world view, my relationships with friends and family, the strain it put on my marriage, my body image. I think that even if we had had kids, I still would have needed to deal with all those feelings. it doesn't magically disappear once a baby lands in your arms. It's simmering underneath.

My point is that if you won't stop until you have nothing left, what have you gained?
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 10:49     Subject: Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't
OP just wanted to say that I have been there for a long time and am so sorry you are feeling this way. Congrats to those PPs who were able to distract themselves, but for me, it was always there no matter how busy I was.

I hope your journey leads you to a happier place soon.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2014 18:56     Subject: Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't
It sounds like you aren't quite decided what you want to do? If you are certain you won't have kids through any means (including DE/adoption), than it is time to really get to work on mourning and grieving the life you didn't have, perhaps through therapy, meditation, whatever works for you. If there is still a seed of hope or a really stubborn streak to keep trying (like I had), then I'd just go for broke and do everything you can to make it happen before you really commit to letting go of that. It's hard to grieve/let go until you've tried *everything*. At least that's how I work!
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2014 10:40     Subject: Re:Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably wo
I just had my second miscarriage and facing that I may not carry children. I completely get what the OP is saying about the sadness and aimlessness. I joined a support group for those who have had fertility issues/losses and that has been very helpful. Although it is not perfect since some of those ladies are now pregnant, but still, a very safe place to vent to people who "get it".


Infertility survivor here: At first the support group was great and we talked and talked. But one by one the other members solved their problems. I was the "hard case" who didn't solve it. I just kept trying. Adoption was not the answer for me. The adoption agency kept giving me severely special needs children (older) and I knew that was not going to work for me. After a few more months, I understood that, for me, the constant remainder of the pain was actually making it worse. So I stopped going and dug into work, sports and travel. Felt much better after a year.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2014 10:22     Subject: Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't
I don't know if I should post a comment because in the end we had a beautiful child, but DH and I agreed on a "plan B" so to speak. We both love the outdoors and backpacking so we agreed that if we didn't have a baby we would move to the Pacific Northwest. I also toyed with the idea of changing careers and going into environmentalism.
Since our dream came true (I thank a higher power every day for that) we remain in the DC area where we both have family.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2014 09:48     Subject: Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't
Anonymous wrote:Adoption was my answer, too! I also got "lucky" with adoption, being chosen by the birth mom and quickly--- (esp. being single and mid-40's.) I feel beyond fortunate, and NEVER take it for granted EVER.

Consider ALL your options, think positive and be pro-active. That said, I know you are not in a good place (having been there myself,) and I am so sorry....I wish you success...and, remember, you WILL "get" the baby --- YOUR BABY --- one way or another. Hang in there....And WHEN it does happen, you will appreciate and love (almost) every minute because it took A LOT to get there, OP! ((hugs))


I just had my second miscarriage and facing that I may not carry children. I completely get what the OP is saying about the sadness and aimlessness. I joined a support group for those who have had fertility issues/losses and that has been very helpful. Although it is not perfect since some of those ladies are now pregnant, but still, a very safe place to vent to people who "get it".

Adoption has been in my mind but have heard horror stories about the process. Any tips since you have been successful?
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2014 09:40     Subject: Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't
I'm feeling the same as the original poster. Almost 5 years trying now and no BFP. Countless IUIs and starting IVF 8 in August. It'll likely be our last one and I'm not sure what we'll do if it doesn't work. I've been trying to get out and do things like yoga, volunteer, and take a vacation or two. But it's hard because the infertility is always on our minds. I do feel very lucky that I have a great husband who is supportive but all of this just seriously sucks.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2014 23:21     Subject: Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't
Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you, but I am dealing with it myself. We ultimately decided that living without children was preferable to the constant up and down and uncertainty of fertility treatment, & we knew that adoption was not right for us. We do all the things we did before our TTC journey: visiting friends, taking vacations, eating well, seeing plays and movies. It was important for us to find a hobby we could do together that brings our relationship together. I focused more on my career, having given up good advancement opportunities while I was doing IVF.

I am still trying to find my "purpose", but I know that It's possible to have a fulfilling, meaningful, happy life without children.


Why was adoption not right for you?
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2014 23:06     Subject: Re:Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably wo
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP Have you really thought about life without kids -- outside of the context of infertility? I look back on our life before kids -- we had them late -- after years of trying. We were extremely busy and had lots of fun. We traveled. We biked. We went to the country. We spent weeks at the beach (telecommuting) We entertained, sailed, fished, hiked, ate gourmet dinners whenever we felt like it. Took the boat out, rode our horses, visited family, entertained, maintained a second home... Do we sound rich? We weren't -- we just did not have kids.
I know the desire to have kids is a strong one, but there is defiantly a full life without them -- if only you can perceive it. With kids, life is very regimented, it is a lot of work, and a 22 year commitment. Also expensive. You really need to have child free friends to understand what life can be without kids. Just a thought...


You don't get it, do you. You aren't the one so devastated you cry to sleep every night longing for a child. You aren't the one who doesn't get invited to neighbors family outdoor events as you don't have kids so they can relate to you. At holidays, you watch as others post pictures of kids with presents and yet for you nothing....
OP, you aren't alone. Some of us after many years of trying did get lucky but even so it took us 6 years and a lot of money to adopt. Just as we gave up hope, it happened. We have friends who tried that long and hard too and it didn't happen. My heart breaks for them. Its hard, very very very hard. I'll never forgot those years.


PP Horse rider here, yes I did spend many years crying-- 9 as a matter of fact. I did not always enjoy the things I did at every moment, but I did keep busy doing something. It was a sport I knew how to do and that I enjoyed. (while crying)
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2014 21:35     Subject: Re:Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably wo
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP Have you really thought about life without kids -- outside of the context of infertility? I look back on our life before kids -- we had them late -- after years of trying. We were extremely busy and had lots of fun. We traveled. We biked. We went to the country. We spent weeks at the beach (telecommuting) We entertained, sailed, fished, hiked, ate gourmet dinners whenever we felt like it. Took the boat out, rode our horses, visited family, entertained, maintained a second home... Do we sound rich? We weren't -- we just did not have kids.
I know the desire to have kids is a strong one, but there is defiantly a full life without them -- if only you can perceive it. With kids, life is very regimented, it is a lot of work, and a 22 year commitment. Also expensive. You really need to have child free friends to understand what life can be without kids. Just a thought...


I am not the OP. It is easy to say this after you have kids. When you don't have kids and everyone else around you have, it's difficult to perceive fun in riding horses. I am not saying that things you mentioned are not fun. I completely understand that life gets busier after kids and then you miss the days you had all the freedom but when one is spending tens of thousands of dollars to get that one baby, all the fun activities sound trivial.


PP above: We spent money and many years in infertility. I know what it is like. If you want to stubbornly hold onto the concept that there is no life but one with kids, then life without kids is going to be pretty bad. But, you might try considering the alternative. Also, I think there is no real "considering the alternative" if you spend all your time around families with young kids -- it is too all consuming and of course will make you feel worse. Note the title of the thread does say ... ways to move forward.


I am 13:45 again. It's cool that you were able to enjoy life while going through infertility. You were a brave woman. No matter how much I try, I can't do that. The failures from treatment overtake all the happiness and I thought everyone experiencing infertility would be pretty much like me. Hats off to you.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2014 17:16     Subject: Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't
Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you, but I am dealing with it myself. We ultimately decided that living without children was preferable to the constant up and down and uncertainty of fertility treatment, & we knew that adoption was not right for us. We do all the things we did before our TTC journey: visiting friends, taking vacations, eating well, seeing plays and movies. It was important for us to find a hobby we could do together that brings our relationship together. I focused more on my career, having given up good advancement opportunities while I was doing IVF.

I am still trying to find my "purpose", but I know that It's possible to have a fulfilling, meaningful, happy life without children.


+1

It gets better, even though I never would have believed it five years ago.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2014 17:13     Subject: Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't
I don't have an answer for you, but I am dealing with it myself. We ultimately decided that living without children was preferable to the constant up and down and uncertainty of fertility treatment, & we knew that adoption was not right for us. We do all the things we did before our TTC journey: visiting friends, taking vacations, eating well, seeing plays and movies. It was important for us to find a hobby we could do together that brings our relationship together. I focused more on my career, having given up good advancement opportunities while I was doing IVF.

I am still trying to find my "purpose", but I know that It's possible to have a fulfilling, meaningful, happy life without children.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2014 17:11     Subject: Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't
Agree with the poster who said to spend more time with the child free people. Cultivate new friends if you have to. It's good to spend time away from all the family oriented stuff.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2014 17:05     Subject: Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't
This brings it all back. I'm sorry, OP. It's a miserable hard thing you're dealing with. You are not alone. I hope you break through to the other side, no matter what that means for you personally.