Anonymous
06/23/2014 22:44
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Maybe ypur kids are brats and it is too much and stressful to babysit them. Maybe they are turned off by your parenting choices and lifestule choices so they dont want to be bothered or make sn effort to see you, but still love you as not to hurt your feelings as no tell you how they really feel.
Anonymous
06/23/2014 22:37
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
OP I agree that this is really bizarre. Do they come for the special events you invite them to? How often did you see them before you had kids?
Anonymous
06/23/2014 22:31
Subject: Re:my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks for the insightful responses. Posting on DCUM I knew I would get the snarky remarks but I know myself and my intentions well enough not to let the nastiness bother me. The truth is I am not looking for free babysitting at all. DH and I work and I have a nanny who watches my kids when I work. We pay her on weekends and even some over night times when DH and I needed our date nights. I think I have asked my parents to babysit 4-6 times in the last 4 years. And, when they have accepted, I usually throw in "I'll cook you dinner" just so it makes it easier on them. I am a very empathetic and accommodating person. I understand that they want their own life and babysitting may not be their top priority. It just makes me sad that I don't have the type of parents who WANT to spend time with their grandchildren as much as I see other grandparents doing. Because they live close, I always get the comment "you are so lucky to have your parents close by so that they can babysit and see your kids all the time". It makes me sad that this isn't the case.
I have said something to my mom one time about her being retired for over a year and not once offering to come over and see us. Her response was "I'll meet you half way at the mall." So, I asked her if she is scared to drive on the beltway because I can give her the back ways to our house too. She said she wasn't scared but thought it would be easier to meet half way. And then went on about having to return something at the mall anyway so it was easy for her. So it goes back to the fact that they will see me and my children when it is easy and fits in their life. I always suck it up and "meet half way" or bring them over to their house. My kids are really well behaved and they love when I bring them to their house. So, this isn't about having misbehaving kids or wanting free babysitting. This was just a way for me to vent and see if there was helpful advice or families who can relate.
Wow OP. Your mom isn't willing to come to your house because she is afraid of getting stuck being a babysitter. It sounds to me like she knows if she gives you an inch you will take a mile.
I think if you really wanted to foster a relationship with them, why not meet her halfway at the mall? Why not go to their house if you want to see them or invite them out to lunch or something?
Anonymous
06/23/2014 21:46
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Some of you have a seriously sad and depressing view of family relationships. Why have children if you cut them loose at 25? Do they stop being your children and needing love and support because they are grown up?
Anonymous
06/23/2014 21:37
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:Poor little you. All you want is free childcare, house l meaning, financial help and your mean, selfish , mommy and daddy won't do what you believe you are entitled to. Grow up. They are your kids and you parents are correct.
That is perfectly fine. But OP's parents shouldn't panic and try to latch on to OP once their health starts to fail and they get old(er) and lonely. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If they want to have fun and be independent and not babysit, they can stay independent...until their last breath. That's why nursing homes are so popular. Who the heck wants to look after parents like these when they are infirm? Let them fend for themselves.
Anonymous
06/23/2014 21:29
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Op here...I have to laugh at the posts who said it sounds like I want free babysitting. I have explained we have a nanny who we pay for babysitting on a regular basis. This has nothing to do with free babysitting. This is a simple post about my own wishes verses reality of my parents involvement in my and my children's life. The PP who wrote a grieving letter gets it...that is how I feel...like I am seeing my parents in a new light now that I am a parent and I need to just accept it although I wish it were different. The PP's who wrote that my mom may have anxiety may be on to something. My parents never want to have heart felt meaningful conversations...maybe this is part of the big picture and I should try to have an open conversation with them about this.
Anonymous
06/23/2014 21:22
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
There are a million other threads with women bitching about their parents not respecting boundaries because they want to visit too much...
Anonymous
06/23/2014 21:10
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
My parents are exactly the same. My mom was a sahm, so I thought she would delight in her grandkids. When we first moved to this area, I insisted we live in Arlington rather than DC so we wouldn't unnecessarily add 20 minutes to their trip (thinking they would make v frequent visits from NC). Instead, we see them twice a year. I really had to go through a grieving process - writing a goodbye letter to the mom I thought I knew/had (at the suggestion of a therapist). It helped temporarily, but it has taken years to accept (my oldest is 12). I'm still disappointed, but I have learned to accept the new reality for the most part and try to enjoy the time I have with them regardless. My sister and I commiserate/joke about it b/c they are the same way with my nephew. Interestingly, like a pp, I think my mom is now an alcoholic and that might have something to do with her lack of interest.
Anonymous
06/23/2014 20:58
Subject: Re:my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:She said she wasn't scared but thought it would be easier to meet half way. And then went on about having to return something at the mall anyway so it was easy for her.
Wow, that is revealing. Have you ever considered that one or both of your parents is punishing you by withholding their presence/affection BECAUSE you have kids and you can no longer satisfy their demands and whims? Your kids are competitors -- of course your mom doesn't enjoy them. Ick. I'm sorry, but your particular dynamics run far deeper than just a generational boomer stereotype. Surely hearing her say this crap makes your blood run cold. Maybe it's time to reconsider how many times she wasn't willing to do sh*& for you, either.
Anonymous
06/23/2014 20:56
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Sorry, OP, you will have to accept this situation. They sound like the most complete idiots, but you can't change them!
Anonymous
06/23/2014 20:51
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
OP, I'm inclined to agree with the posters who say you sound whiny and like you're just annoyed because your parents don't want to be babysitters.
While I'm not a grandparent, I've had a sibling that was really only interested in me, because they wanted me for free babysitting. It took me some time to figure this out, and let me tell you, it's a shitty feeling. A really shitty feeling, to feel like the only reason you're relevant to your family member, is because they want you for THEIR needs/wants.
I think when you become a grownup, the relationship with your parents even out - you become peers. Your parents, while they cared for you, are not responsible for (1) caring for your children, and (2) not responsible for you as an adult. Get to know your parents as peers and friends, and equals. If you want help from them, ask - but also give help right back to them. You are equals now - your parents do not owe you anything. Spend time with them for the sake of spending time with them - not because you want babysitters.
While I'm not a grandparent, I've had a sibling that was really only interested in me, because they wanted me for free babysitting. It took me some time to figure this out, and let me tell you, it's a shitty feeling. A really shitty feeling, to feel like the only reason you're relevant to your family member, is because they want you for THEIR needs/wants.
I think when you become a grownup, the relationship with your parents even out - you become peers. Your parents, while they cared for you, are not responsible for (1) caring for your children, and (2) not responsible for you as an adult. Get to know your parents as peers and friends, and equals. If you want help from them, ask - but also give help right back to them. You are equals now - your parents do not owe you anything. Spend time with them for the sake of spending time with them - not because you want babysitters.
Anonymous
06/23/2014 20:34
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
My MIL is exactly the same, only they don't live close, so luckily we don't deal with them too often. They can never be bothered to come visit unless it's on her way. She doesn't call or skype with her grand kids, despite knowing how amd having all the tech for it. She is a narcisist, plain and simple. My DH feels bad, but tries to let it go. Op, I truly feel for you! It sucks!
Anonymous
06/23/2014 20:22
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Seriously, OP, your parents sound like they suffer from anxiety. Are sure your mom isn't a secret agoraphobe? My MIL never went anyplace. She got a bank account at the nearest bank and shopped at one department store and would never go to the movies. And wouldn't take dd to visit some friends who lived maybe 5 miles away because she "doesn't drive around." I came to realize that she was agoraphobic but she never would admit it if I had asked. I would bet good money your mom is agoraphobic and hiding it.
If that's the case, you still didn't get the grandparents your kids deserve (they should care enough to get help with this) but at least you know that it's not about you, it's about them.
If that's the case, you still didn't get the grandparents your kids deserve (they should care enough to get help with this) but at least you know that it's not about you, it's about them.
Anonymous
06/23/2014 20:18
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
My parents were the same way as OP's except a bit worse. My dad is widowed and remarried, and he and my stepmom are super close to her kids and grandchildren and almost ignore me and my kids. It has been very painful to accept this but I had no choice. It is what it is.
I blame my dad more than my stepmom, actually. He should make more of an effort. We try on our end but we never get past the large Thanksgiving get-togethers and dinners at restaurants a few times a year. We tried inviting them over, not even asking for babysitting but just hanging out with us. Over 27 years of marriage it only happened a few times. Sad.
I blame my dad more than my stepmom, actually. He should make more of an effort. We try on our end but we never get past the large Thanksgiving get-togethers and dinners at restaurants a few times a year. We tried inviting them over, not even asking for babysitting but just hanging out with us. Over 27 years of marriage it only happened a few times. Sad.
Anonymous
06/23/2014 20:13
Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:Poor little you. All you want is free childcare, house l meaning, financial help and your mean, selfish , mommy and daddy won't do what you believe you are entitled to. Grow up. They are your kids and you parents are correct.
You are not very nice. Go back to your booze cruise where people come second to all your fun.