My suggestion: whatever you and DH decide to do, talk to BIL and have him pressure MIL to do that, too. That way, it's everyone against her, and maybe she'll see how unreasonable she's being and she'll back down. GL!

No way I'd ever take on a 3 hour drive, plus an overnight stay, the same month I gave birth. Maybe if it was a once in a lifetime gathering, but this does not sound like the case.

I suggest no engaging. When she brings it up, don't argue. Just say "I'm sorry you're disappointed, but we will be staying home this year" and repeat as needed over and over. Add in a "it's not up for discussion anymore, hey did you hear it's going to rain tomorrow?" if she gets testy. Suggest your DH do the same...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, bit of a devil's advocate here. I don't know what the big deal is with going with a 3 wk old. While the baby isn't immunized I would assume everyone else is since there are other children around. Plus how long is the drive? Really, you have to stop multiple times even though you said they are pretty close? If you do stop why not just change baby in the car?

That said I think you hosting is the most craIest idea ever. I would go, get a hotel room for the one night and let DH and DD sleep at Grandma's while you get a night in the hotel with the baby. Spend your time there in bed, watching TV, go to dinner then retreat back to the hotel room.

Playing devil's advocate with your post:

Other children there, given the time of year, may well be carrying flu and/or cold germs. It would be miserable and potentially dangerous for a newborn to contract them. Baby is also likely to be nursing almost constantly and at three weeks is still trying to establish breast feeding. This could require a lot of stops, even for a two or three hour drive. OP could have a big c-section incision that is uncomfortable while sitting upright in a car for a couple or few hours. OP could still have significant bleeding or painful episiotomy/tear that is still healing and could be uncomfortable sitting in a car with regular pants on. (I just wanted my baggy pajama bottoms for weeks!)

Or, none of this. But you don't know ahead of time.

There is no way I would expose a 3 week old to all those germs. Just taking care of a newborn is enough of a challenge for me, with out a Holiday trip to the docs.

There is no way in hell that I would go. MIL is being totally unreasonable.

Anonymous wrote:No friggin' way would I drive 3 hrs with a newborn, and I say this as someone who took monthly drives 5+hrs alone with ds once he was 11months or so.

Your MIL is off her rocker - you'll see them a month later at Christmas. I'd plan on a quiet TG at home this year, stop arguing with her, and just change the subject when she brings it up.

+1. I know it's hard, but don't let her engage with you further on this.

Stay home so everyone else can enjoy their Thanksgiving and the same goes for Christmas.

No friggin' way would I drive 3 hrs with a newborn, and I say this as someone who took monthly drives 5+hrs alone with ds once he was 11months or so.

Your MIL is off her rocker - you'll see them a month later at Christmas. I'd plan on a quiet TG at home this year, stop arguing with her, and just change the subject when she brings it up.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, bit of a devil's advocate here. I don't know what the big deal is with going with a 3 wk old. While the baby isn't immunized I would assume everyone else is since there are other children around. Plus how long is the drive? Really, you have to stop multiple times even though you said they are pretty close? If you do stop why not just change baby in the car?

That said I think you hosting is the most craIest idea ever. I would go, get a hotel room for the one night and let DH and DD sleep at Grandma's while you get a night in the hotel with the baby. Spend your time there in bed, watching TV, go to dinner then retreat back to the hotel room.

Playing devil's advocate with your post:

Other children there, given the time of year, may well be carrying flu and/or cold germs. It would be miserable and potentially dangerous for a newborn to contract them. Baby is also likely to be nursing almost constantly and at three weeks is still trying to establish breast feeding. This could require a lot of stops, even for a two or three hour drive. OP could have a big c-section incision that is uncomfortable while sitting upright in a car for a couple or few hours. OP could still have significant bleeding or painful episiotomy/tear that is still healing and could be uncomfortable sitting in a car with regular pants on. (I just wanted my baggy pajama bottoms for weeks!)

Or, none of this. But you don't know ahead of time.

The details aren't important. State what you are willing to do, or not willing to do. And be done with it. If you allow debate re: your decisions, you'll never have any peace.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, bit of a devil's advocate here. I don't know what the big deal is with going with a 3 wk old. While the baby isn't immunized I would assume everyone else is since there are other children around. Plus how long is the drive? Really, you have to stop multiple times even though you said they are pretty close? If you do stop why not just change baby in the car?

That said I think you hosting is the most craIest idea ever. I would go, get a hotel room for the one night and let DH and DD sleep at Grandma's while you get a night in the hotel with the baby. Spend your time there in bed, watching TV, go to dinner then retreat back to the hotel room.

OP here. The drive is 3 hours. If this baby is going to be like my DD, then at this point he will be eating every 1.5 hours. The thought of driving with a newborn and toddler and having to do that does not appeal. Not to mention I remember the bare survival those first few weeks were - to do them in someone else's house while having to hang out with a lot of people is not something I relish. The hotel idea - having a newborn that small in a hotel (thus around even more people), also does not appeal.

It's only Thanksgiving, with people we see a lot of anyway. To go to that level of discomfort for that seems to be a bit much.

After reading all the responses, I realize hosting is overly ambitious as well. I guess I've forgotten how all-consuming a baby was.

I think I will tell DH he is more than welcome to take DD to my ILs (though as I stated elsewhere, that probably won't happen because he doesn't leave me) or we'll see them in a month, on Christmas.

Ok, bit of a devil's advocate here. I don't know what the big deal is with going with a 3 wk old. While the baby isn't immunized I would assume everyone else is since there are other children around. Plus how long is the drive? Really, you have to stop multiple times even though you said they are pretty close? If you do stop why not just change baby in the car?

That said I think you hosting is the most craIest idea ever. I would go, get a hotel room for the one night and let DH and DD sleep at Grandma's while you get a night in the hotel with the baby. Spend your time there in bed, watching TV, go to dinner then retreat back to the hotel room.

Your MIL is being crazy. Stand your ground. Your immediate family should just have a little Thanksgiving at home this year.

Your MIL is being unreasonable. The only thing about your offer that, although perfectly reasonable, might be off putting is the restaurant food. People get attached to their own family recipes and side dishes. So, invite your MIL to come cook Thanksgiving dinner in your kitchen.

You will have a brand new baby and no idea ahead of time what kind of recovery you face. If your MIL wants her family altogether for the holiday, it's incumbent on her to compromise.

You've already gone the extra mile by agreeing to spend the holiday with them. It would be perfectly reasonable for you and DH to decide to spend the Thanksgiving alone at your house with no extended family invited. Actually, maybe suggest that that is your Plan B, so your current offer will look like the better one!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. In fact, I think that your offer is really generous. I can see why MIL maybe doesn't want to have restaurant TG, if she was excited to cook it herself, but I think that there are compromises that could have been worked out that didn't involve anyone having to dig in.

Personally, I would not want to host that many people that soon after having a baby. I wouldn't mind going to their house, as long as it was very clear that my sole responsibility was for the newborn - not cooking, not cleaning, not older DD, not other people's kids, etc. - and that if I needed to step out, that was possible (private room, away from the bustle). The age of the child would bother me less than the worry that I would not be physically up to snuff at that point.

Either way, I think that your MIL flipping out is unreasonable, even if you'd suggested something that was totally crazy, and think it's great that your husband is dealing with her. So many times husbands do not do that (mine included!).

OP -- you are right and mil is unreasonable. However I just had my second a few months ago and the second time is much easier. (Of course, every one is different so I'm just sharing my experience-- I had no complications, baby was healthy and a decent sleeper-- still woke up at night but settled back to sleep easily and no one in our house lost any sleep besides me.)
You might not feel so charitable towards mil now, but I would say you will come if you are up for it. By that point, I would have been fine with DH and older child going away for a night. You will see--it is so peaceful and easy without the older one around!! Also, you get used to babycare solo much quicker bc your DH will likely be on DC1 duty.