Anonymous
06/20/2014 10:57
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
Anonymous wrote:Um hello did anyone else see that OP says her husband claims to be addicted to porn?
Feeding any sort of addiction with the excuse that it's an addiction is absolutely unhealthy! Not to mention that fact that it's pornography makes him even more distant from his family. Porn addiction is a serious issue and causes a lot of problems in relationships.
OP, please seek a counselor. If DH won't go, try to go on your own to see what things you can do to help make your marriage better. It sounds like he has issues, but rarely bad marriages are 100% the fault of one person. I am in NO WAY saying you drove him to watch porn. He's watching it for whatever his reasons are, but the fact is that he has a problem and needs help.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I hope you have friends who can support you through this.
FWIW, taking a vacation by himself after a 3-week business trip is unbelievably selfish. He's not single, but he's acting like it. He needs to man up and be a husband and father. It also does raise some red flags, as other PPs have mentioned.
I agree with this advice. You have serious marital issues OP - I'm sorry.
Obviously venting to the MIL is a bad idea, but that's really incidental to everything else you have to deal with.
Good luck.
Anonymous
06/19/2014 20:36
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
Um hello did anyone else see that OP says her husband claims to be addicted to porn?
Feeding any sort of addiction with the excuse that it's an addiction is absolutely unhealthy! Not to mention that fact that it's pornography makes him even more distant from his family. Porn addiction is a serious issue and causes a lot of problems in relationships.
OP, please seek a counselor. If DH won't go, try to go on your own to see what things you can do to help make your marriage better. It sounds like he has issues, but rarely bad marriages are 100% the fault of one person. I am in NO WAY saying you drove him to watch porn. He's watching it for whatever his reasons are, but the fact is that he has a problem and needs help.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I hope you have friends who can support you through this.
FWIW, taking a vacation by himself after a 3-week business trip is unbelievably selfish. He's not single, but he's acting like it. He needs to man up and be a husband and father. It also does raise some red flags, as other PPs have mentioned.
Feeding any sort of addiction with the excuse that it's an addiction is absolutely unhealthy! Not to mention that fact that it's pornography makes him even more distant from his family. Porn addiction is a serious issue and causes a lot of problems in relationships.
OP, please seek a counselor. If DH won't go, try to go on your own to see what things you can do to help make your marriage better. It sounds like he has issues, but rarely bad marriages are 100% the fault of one person. I am in NO WAY saying you drove him to watch porn. He's watching it for whatever his reasons are, but the fact is that he has a problem and needs help.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I hope you have friends who can support you through this.
FWIW, taking a vacation by himself after a 3-week business trip is unbelievably selfish. He's not single, but he's acting like it. He needs to man up and be a husband and father. It also does raise some red flags, as other PPs have mentioned.
Anonymous
06/19/2014 15:26
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
OP are you sure he is not having an affair?
Anonymous
06/19/2014 13:46
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
Bet he's having an affair.
Anonymous
06/19/2014 12:05
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am the OP.
I will leave the MIL out, doesn't make sense. I just get frustrated when everybody talks of DH as a hero and he is not.
Don't call me a nag, don't even dare.
He has been traveling for work for 3 weeks. Kids always asking when is he back etc.
He is always late from work, does not have a stressful demanding job at all. In fact he is lucky he is in a phase where he could be home early, do some of the cooking he so much says he loves etc. But he doesn't. He procrastinates. Watches porn with the excuse he is addicted. Etc etc. Doesn't go to DS show, late all the time, kids always asking etc.
So I constantly holding the fort and keeping it together.
Sounds more like you're jealous than a nag.
If you wanna get out the house for a change then you need to find something to do and somewhere to go and tell hubby of your plans.
He's got plans...He's got places to go and people to see and evidently you don't. It's time to change that. Don't pitch a fit bitching at his procrastination and tardiness, GET OUT YOUR DAMN SELF!!!
Look - it's both of your jobs to hold down the fort and keeping the family together so if you'd start doing roller derby 2 nights a week or taking a yoga class regularly or hell just going out 2/3 times a week to get eggs and take your f%cking time doing it then HE HAS TO PICK UP THE SLACK.
It's plain as day you're bored/lonely/unhappy and in dire need of some change/excitement but you're putting too much emphasis on the all the shit he "gets away with" and not enough emphasis on all the shit you're missing out on.
I second this. Get out of the house - if I was away on business for 3 weeks, I would need a recovery weekend too. Give him a break and go do something on your own.
Anonymous
06/19/2014 11:50
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP.
I will leave the MIL out, doesn't make sense. I just get frustrated when everybody talks of DH as a hero and he is not.
Don't call me a nag, don't even dare.
He has been traveling for work for 3 weeks. Kids always asking when is he back etc.
He is always late from work, does not have a stressful demanding job at all. In fact he is lucky he is in a phase where he could be home early, do some of the cooking he so much says he loves etc. But he doesn't. He procrastinates. Watches porn with the excuse he is addicted. Etc etc. Doesn't go to DS show, late all the time, kids always asking etc.
So I constantly holding the fort and keeping it together.
Sounds more like you're jealous than a nag.
If you wanna get out the house for a change then you need to find something to do and somewhere to go and tell hubby of your plans.
He's got plans...He's got places to go and people to see and evidently you don't. It's time to change that. Don't pitch a fit bitching at his procrastination and tardiness, GET OUT YOUR DAMN SELF!!!
Look - it's both of your jobs to hold down the fort and keeping the family together so if you'd start doing roller derby 2 nights a week or taking a yoga class regularly or hell just going out 2/3 times a week to get eggs and take your f%cking time doing it then HE HAS TO PICK UP THE SLACK.
It's plain as day you're bored/lonely/unhappy and in dire need of some change/excitement but you're putting too much emphasis on the all the shit he "gets away with" and not enough emphasis on all the shit you're missing out on.
Anonymous
06/19/2014 11:41
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
Anonymous wrote:Don't do it. It's between you and your husband, not her. No need to bring her into it.
+100000
You don't actually think MILs are known for helping and using this kind of information productively, do you?
My MIL would probably call up some random, long out of touch "girlfriend" from their teen years, just to try to bring back her own youth!
Hells no.
Anonymous
06/18/2014 19:51
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
I am the OP.
I will leave the MIL out, doesn't make sense. I just get frustrated when everybody talks of DH as a hero and he is not.
Don't call me a nag, don't even dare.
He has been traveling for work for 3 weeks. Kids always asking when is he back etc.
He is always late from work, does not have a stressful demanding job at all. In fact he is lucky he is in a phase where he could be home early, do some of the cooking he so much says he loves etc. But he doesn't. He procrastinates. Watches porn with the excuse he is addicted. Etc etc. Doesn't go to DS show, late all the time, kids always asking etc.
So I constantly holding the fort and keeping it together.
I will leave the MIL out, doesn't make sense. I just get frustrated when everybody talks of DH as a hero and he is not.
Don't call me a nag, don't even dare.
He has been traveling for work for 3 weeks. Kids always asking when is he back etc.
He is always late from work, does not have a stressful demanding job at all. In fact he is lucky he is in a phase where he could be home early, do some of the cooking he so much says he loves etc. But he doesn't. He procrastinates. Watches porn with the excuse he is addicted. Etc etc. Doesn't go to DS show, late all the time, kids always asking etc.
So I constantly holding the fort and keeping it together.
Anonymous
06/18/2014 19:43
Subject: Re:Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
I encourage my husband to get a week long vacation without the family once a year, a variety of weekend trips throughout the year, and a couple nights out each month and I would be VERY upset if he planned any of the above without discussing it with me first. I'm really surprised that so many other posters think it's no big deal that OP's husband planned a trip out of town with friends without involving her in the planning.
And for the love of god OP, no, don't bring your MIL into your marriage.
And for the love of god OP, no, don't bring your MIL into your marriage.
Anonymous
06/18/2014 16:32
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
OP, why are you so upset about him going away with friends for the weekend??
TheNewGirl
06/18/2014 16:29
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
NO
Anonymous
06/18/2014 16:28
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
The rare DCUM consensus! DO NOT tell MIL about your marriage problems!!!
Anonymous
06/18/2014 16:23
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
Hold this in no matter how hard it is, if things go wrong you want her one your side, if thats possible, legally and emotionally. I suggest a therapist to keep you centered during this tough time.
Anonymous
06/18/2014 15:12
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
Yeah, I would leave your MIL out of it.
But you all still need to address getting things back on track. I don't think you sound like a complainer, taking a weekend away when you have small kids (I'm assuming here) is a big deal. It should be something you both agreed on together, not something he just planned and informed you about. Of course, for him to do that he'd need to believe you'd give your blessing and not immediately shoot him down.
I'd get into some marriage counseling STAT. You clearly don't feel heard, and I bet he feels the same way...
But you all still need to address getting things back on track. I don't think you sound like a complainer, taking a weekend away when you have small kids (I'm assuming here) is a big deal. It should be something you both agreed on together, not something he just planned and informed you about. Of course, for him to do that he'd need to believe you'd give your blessing and not immediately shoot him down.
I'd get into some marriage counseling STAT. You clearly don't feel heard, and I bet he feels the same way...
Anonymous
06/18/2014 14:28
Subject: Hinting to MIL that my marriage is not good
Anonymous wrote:Nope, you never mention marital issues to your parents, inlaws or kids. That's what your happy hour friends are for!
This -- and I LOVE my MIL, but I'm not crazy!!