Anonymous
Post 06/13/2014 00:11     Subject: My husband is an asshole
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry. I wrote in a hurry. For the first time in ages, we had time to sit and talk. DD had been sick for a while so I was constantly going in to soothe her or keep her from throwing up (or cleaning up).

The conversation turned ugly quickly and for the next 2 hours, he went on to tell me how poorly he thinks of me and how I am a bad parent. That he (conveniently) doesn't remember our conversation prior to marriage where I told him that having kids eat meat was a deal breaker or that I wanted to stay home for a few years before they went to school or that i wanted more than 1 child.

He told me that he doesn't think I do enough with her - that I just sit around all day. That if I was the nanny, I would have been fired long ago.

He pokes and prods and then admonishes me for losing my cool. When I said "fucking stop" because he was telling me for the 10th time what I believe, I was called emotionally unstable, immature and always crying to get what I want. He flat out told me that he thought the only reason I wanted to have another kid is so that I don't have to work. (Not true). When I told him that's not right - he shrugged and said, I don't believe you. You will come back to me and say, "I changed my mind."

And after being told over and over that I never do anything to build our relationship or put "us" first, he told me to cancel the 4th date night I had planned because he had no interest in spending time with me. Wtf?



I think you should divorce him.
Anonymous
Post 06/13/2014 00:09     Subject: My husband is an asshole
Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain, OP. DH has acted this way with me in the past, particularly if he's tired or if he thinks I'm screwing up something with the kids (God forbid he take control himself). And if I had even an inkling that he was capable of what I've seen from him post-having kids, I would never have married him.

It all came to a head the day before Valentine's day. Baby started crying at night, which woke DH up. I was brushing my teeth (the nerve!), and instead of picking up baby, he starts following me in the house, screaming at the top of his lungs in my face for well over half an hour about what a huge screw up I am.

Basically, that was the last straw. He had a family get together that we were supposed to spend the weekend with his family, and I refused to go. I made it very clear that if this is what our marriage was going to be, I would rather be divorced. I had been taking so much abusive behavior from this man and I realized it was unacceptable (it took me so long to even realize that this was abuse, not just being "grumpy" or "tired"). It's been a few weeks since he got back and he hasn't retreated to his old pattern (yet). Sometimes you get into this routine where DH thinks treating you like garbage is ok, and standing up for yourself helps.


OP here....thanks. He actually says that he's the one who is mistreated and demands an apology all the time. I'm so tired of living like this. I need to weigh my options.
Anonymous
Post 06/13/2014 00:07     Subject: My husband is an asshole
Anonymous wrote:Co sleeping should only be done if both parents are completely on board. Otherwise it is pretty much a recipe for anger and resentment...and breakdown of a marriage.


So when the kid is up every few hours and throwing up from crying and only one person will get up to take care of her, what then?
Anonymous
Post 06/13/2014 00:04     Subject: My husband is an asshole
Co sleeping should only be done if both parents are completely on board. Otherwise it is pretty much a recipe for anger and resentment...and breakdown of a marriage.
Anonymous
Post 06/13/2014 00:01     Subject: My husband is an asshole
I feel your pain, OP. DH has acted this way with me in the past, particularly if he's tired or if he thinks I'm screwing up something with the kids (God forbid he take control himself). And if I had even an inkling that he was capable of what I've seen from him post-having kids, I would never have married him.

It all came to a head the day before Valentine's day. Baby started crying at night, which woke DH up. I was brushing my teeth (the nerve!), and instead of picking up baby, he starts following me in the house, screaming at the top of his lungs in my face for well over half an hour about what a huge screw up I am.

Basically, that was the last straw. He had a family get together that we were supposed to spend the weekend with his family, and I refused to go. I made it very clear that if this is what our marriage was going to be, I would rather be divorced. I had been taking so much abusive behavior from this man and I realized it was unacceptable (it took me so long to even realize that this was abuse, not just being "grumpy" or "tired"). It's been a few weeks since he got back and he hasn't retreated to his old pattern (yet). Sometimes you get into this routine where DH thinks treating you like garbage is ok, and standing up for yourself helps.
Anonymous
Post 06/12/2014 23:50     Subject: Re:My husband is an asshole
Anonymous wrote:You chose him.


And I regret it every day with every fiber I my being.
Anonymous
Post 06/12/2014 23:46     Subject: Re:My husband is an asshole
You chose him.
Anonymous
Post 06/12/2014 23:46     Subject: My husband is an asshole
OP, I was you a year ago. Crazy accusations that basically boiled down to that I am coddling DS too much. I was told that "any $10/hr nanny would do as good a job as you, if not better".
First, DS is now a pretty independent guy, mostly STTN, though in our bedroom (his own bed).
Second, individual therapy helped tremendously. I was able to regain my feeling of self worth, as a mother and person, which gave me strength to be calm and assertive when we argue.
However, never in my life would I procreate with this man again. I might not divorce, but he is no good as a partner.
Anonymous
Post 06/12/2014 23:37     Subject: My husband is an asshole
Was this a blow up that had been building for awhile. Sounds like he doesn't get much say in the parenting decisions and he is sleep deprived and the child has become the center of the family and the marriage. Not having time to talk for a long time is a problem. It doesn't sound like the marriage is a priority at all.

This sounds like a volcano blow up where months and months of resentment suddenly surface. Should he have been disrespectful - no. You need to make sure that you have frequent conversations, where his choices and options on parenting are validated and given as much weight as your own.
Anonymous
Post 06/12/2014 23:37     Subject: My husband is an asshole
Your DH is an ass. Your marriage may be headed down the tubes. Do you have an option for full time work if you need to support yourself and DD? Start exploring it. Also, counseling. Stat.
Anonymous
Post 06/12/2014 23:33     Subject: My husband is an asshole
My dd STTN at 2 bc I sleep trained her at 2.
I'm sure your DC is fine!

Your DH sounds like a terrible person. But I agree he needs to open up about the real issues. He cannot undercut you about the shit he has bc of resentment.
Anonymous
Post 06/12/2014 23:23     Subject: My husband is an asshole
Hope you both can sleep, so maybe tomorrow can be better...
Anonymous
Post 06/12/2014 23:21     Subject: My husband is an asshole
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you need to have a conversation about you being a SAHM. This isn't something you can just decide on your own. I would have a serious talk about the future- timeline for going back, how chores will get done, etc. is he having problems at work? Is money getting tight?


I'm not a SAHM. I work part time and my hours will increase in a few months. Still part time though. Money is not and never has been tight - he makes well over $200k. I make a tiny fraction of that - $18k.


Ehhh for some reason, I am on your husbands side. 3 years old and the kid still sleeps with you? So when exactly are you and your husband sleeping (aka having sex) together? Agree with the previous poster, sit down and work out a plan with him. Just because you all agreed to having you sahm or work part time, before having kids, doesn't mean it's the best option or plan once the kids are here. Hear him out, he is upset for a reason.

He should talk straight at least, and not be bitching about everything else.
Anonymous
Post 06/12/2014 23:20     Subject: My husband is an asshole
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you need to have a conversation about you being a SAHM. This isn't something you can just decide on your own. I would have a serious talk about the future- timeline for going back, how chores will get done, etc. is he having problems at work? Is money getting tight?


I'm not a SAHM. I work part time and my hours will increase in a few months. Still part time though. Money is not and never has been tight - he makes well over $200k. I make a tiny fraction of that - $18k.


Ehhh for some reason, I am on your husbands side. 3 years old and the kid still sleeps with you? So when exactly are you and your husband sleeping (aka having sex) together? Agree with the previous poster, sit down and work out a plan with him. Just because you all agreed to having you sahm or work part time, before having kids, doesn't mean it's the best option or plan once the kids are here. Hear him out, he is upset for a reason.
Anonymous
Post 06/12/2014 23:18     Subject: My husband is an asshole
Hugs, OP. I'm sorry. Marriage is damn hard. Parenting is damn hard. It's all really hard sometimes.... He's lucky you even want to be a fulltime mother. He probably isn't telling you HE had a rough day... Hugs.