Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 08:52     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
This is a no-brainer. MIL is just being selfish and there is not one good reason to indulge her. You guys need sleep and privacy and a modicum of comfort; she COULD offer you some degree of those things if she would offer up her room, but since she won't, you owe her nothing. You shouldn't all be in discomfort so she can snuggle in her bed while you all toss and turn on an air mattress in her living room. Seriously, there's nothing to debate here.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 08:50     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
OP - Do not feel guilty. We have friends we visit once a year and we stay in a hotel b/c I don't sleep on pull out couches or air mattresses. I need sleep and can't sleep in someone else's living room with no privacy and my back can't handle it.

I think it is perfectly reasonable while the baby is small to stay where you have enough space and bathrooms to be comfortable. You just need DH to explain to MIL that the baby needs a dark, closed room to sleep or you'll pay for the messed up schedule for a week when you return.

Perhaps when the kid is 3 or 4, you can have the kid sleep at grandma's and you can stay elsewhere.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 00:54     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
I already said this, but I'm going to say it again so you know I STILL think it, even AFTER you've added all these little tidbits of background info. Stay in the more comfortable place!

Your MIL needs to put on her big-girl panties to build the bridge she'll use to get over it. She needs to realize the reality is that she can't comfortably accommodate your family. It's that simple.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 00:32     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am on your side, OP, though I get where your MIL is coming from. If (big if!) you find yourself inclined to compromise what worked for me in a similar situation might work for you, if just for one night. When visiting my BIL, he offered us the bedroom and he took the living room. We put our baby to sleep and joined her a few hours later after staying up visiting with BIL.


OP here. That is a great suggestion. Unfortunately MIL prefers to sleep in her own bed. (!)


Ok, I was going to make this suggestion too. If that is her response though, she is really a bit off her rocker. You truly get a pass here - from even thinking about it again, much less feeling guilty about it. If people want things that bad, they also need to make sacrifices. You would already be doing so by staying there in her room.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 00:28     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
OP here. You are correct that she feels jealous. I probably have not been clear. We spend much more time with MIL because she comes down to our house more than FIL and SMIL and we spend individual time with her every time we go up. Therefore, we have less patience for her stance that we need to stay with her. If anyone has been slighted on time with baby it is FIL and SMIL. Sorry for any confusion.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 00:19     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I note that DH's parents have been divorced for nearly 30 years and FIL and "new" wife have been married for nearly 25 years. DH is almost 40. His stepmother is a great lady who is an engaged, wonderful grandparent to our baby.


I'm the PP who suggested that your MIL is jealous. Even after 25 years, she can still feel jealous that her ex-husband's "new" wife is closer to her own son and grandchildren than she is. She still has things that she wants to do with her grandchildren or with her own son and still can feel slighted if her "replacement" gets more opportunity to spend that time with her family than she does. So even though it is more practical to stay with your FIL and wonderful sMIL, help ease some of the family tension by making arrangements to spend some of the visits under the same roof with her.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 00:08     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
OP here. I note that DH's parents have been divorced for nearly 30 years and FIL and "new" wife have been married for nearly 25 years. DH is almost 40. His stepmother is a great lady who is an engaged, wonderful grandparent to our baby.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 00:00     Subject: Re:I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:Does no one else see the real problem? She's upset because she feels that you spend more time with her ex-husband and his new wife than you do with her.

So, next time you go to visit, find a 2 or 3 BR rental in town and invite her to come stay in the unit with you so that you as a family (grandma, daddy, mommy and baby) can bond as a family together. She'll get her fair share of bathtime rituals (my mother loves to come play with her toddler grandchildren while they take their bath in her big soaking tub) and reading bedtime stories to her grandchildren and making breakfast for her grandkids and whatever else she wants. And she won't feel like you always favor her ex-husband.

Alternate who you stay with for the visits. Think of it like trying not to show favoritism to one of your children or grandchildren over another.


OP here. Your comments are insightful for sure. This does play a part. My DH is frankly closer with his dad and hates when his mom pulls this. I can't do much about the pre-existing family dynamic but I do "sensitize" my husband to where this stuff comes from. I do note that on MIL's visits to our house she does not play with baby. She hasn't picked up a rattle, let alone a book to read to baby. She is one of those that just likes to sit and hold. She has never cooked for us, not even when she came to visit when baby was born.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2014 23:49     Subject: Re:I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Does no one else see the real problem? She's upset because she feels that you spend more time with her ex-husband and his new wife than you do with her.

So, next time you go to visit, find a 2 or 3 BR rental in town and invite her to come stay in the unit with you so that you as a family (grandma, daddy, mommy and baby) can bond as a family together. She'll get her fair share of bathtime rituals (my mother loves to come play with her toddler grandchildren while they take their bath in her big soaking tub) and reading bedtime stories to her grandchildren and making breakfast for her grandkids and whatever else she wants. And she won't feel like you always favor her ex-husband.

Alternate who you stay with for the visits. Think of it like trying not to show favoritism to one of your children or grandchildren over another.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2014 23:46     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:I am on your side, OP, though I get where your MIL is coming from. If (big if!) you find yourself inclined to compromise what worked for me in a similar situation might work for you, if just for one night. When visiting my BIL, he offered us the bedroom and he took the living room. We put our baby to sleep and joined her a few hours later after staying up visiting with BIL.


OP here. That is a great suggestion. Unfortunately MIL prefers to sleep in her own bed. (!)
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2014 23:44     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You stay with family to spend time with them, living with them for a short time. It is not like being in a hotel. I understand why your MIL is upset. If you want a nice vacation, go on one. If you want to spend time with relatives, stay with them.


Why does one have to sleep at someone's house to spend time together?


Because they are family. Because the MIL misses having her child wake up in her house and have breakfast, go to bed at night in her house etc. Family time.


NP here. I think my MIL found DCUM. For the life of me, I can not understand the appeal of cramming everyone together in uncomfortable sleeping conditions that end up making everyone hostile just in the name of "family time." I prefer Family time to be a pleasant experience and that means having a little space.


OP here. Yes, this is how my husband and I think. We try to please everyone but can't. We have made trips up there, made his dad's house our base, and have literally stayed from breakfast through dinner at MIL's tiny house to please her. I don't know how much more family time we can spend in a day with anyone. I can't help that we live 5 hours apart.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2014 23:41     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
I am on your side, OP, though I get where your MIL is coming from. If (big if!) you find yourself inclined to compromise what worked for me in a similar situation might work for you, if just for one night. When visiting my BIL, he offered us the bedroom and he took the living room. We put our baby to sleep and joined her a few hours later after staying up visiting with BIL.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2014 23:37     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You stay with family to spend time with them, living with them for a short time. It is not like being in a hotel. I understand why your MIL is upset. If you want a nice vacation, go on one. If you want to spend time with relatives, stay with them.


Why does one have to sleep at someone's house to spend time together?


Because they are family. Because the MIL misses having her child wake up in her house and have breakfast, go to bed at night in her house etc. Family time.


Do you think families who live in the same town should sleep over at each other's houses so that you can retire to bedrooms, sleep, wake, and eat breakfast under the same roof? Or is it okay for everyone to sleep in their own beds and meet up for fun brunch?
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2014 23:32     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
OP here. I want to emphasize that I understand that MIL craves the intimacy of going to bed/waking up in the same place. She gets to do that when she stays at our house...in her own guestroom and bathroom....
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2014 23:27     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You stay with family to spend time with them, living with them for a short time. It is not like being in a hotel. I understand why your MIL is upset. If you want a nice vacation, go on one. If you want to spend time with relatives, stay with them.


Why does one have to sleep at someone's house to spend time together?


Because they are family. Because the MIL misses having her child wake up in her house and have breakfast, go to bed at night in her house etc. Family time.


NP here. I think my MIL found DCUM. For the life of me, I can not understand the appeal of cramming everyone together in uncomfortable sleeping conditions that end up making everyone hostile just in the name of "family time." I prefer Family time to be a pleasant experience and that means having a little space.