Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I regularly babysat for my brother's kids, I was paid back in love, and home cooked meals. A great deal for me.

Honest question -- what does it mean to get "paid back in love?" What does this look like?

Because I got to spend so much quality time with them when they were little, I was able to form a very close bond with my niece and nephew. Now they are teens, they will text me and ask me for advice. They offer to babysit for my young kids, who adore them. I feel so lucky to have this relationship with them, which I don't think I would have without all those babysitting opportunities.

+1. This is how my family works. I'd watch my nieces and nephews without a single thought of "payback" in any tangible form. I adore them, and I feel lucky to be in their lives. My siblings would watch my baby with the same attitude. We do it because we genuinely love AND like each other. No one takes advantage of anyone else and none of us use guilt as a weapon. The payback is having great relationships with the kids as they grow.

My in-laws on the other hand...

That's awesome that you both watch each others' kids and help each other out - that's the way it should be - a natural reciprocation. But a lot of families will use the concept of "oh you get to have a close relationship with niece/nephew/grandchildren/etc" as a guilt maneuver. That's great and all, but one needn't provide regular help all the time to have a close relationship. If you don't have the guilt tripping going on, then you're very lucky. Unfortunately, some of us have families that use similar concepts as a kind of manipulative guilt-tripping.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I regularly babysat for my brother's kids, I was paid back in love, and home cooked meals. A great deal for me.

Honest question -- what does it mean to get "paid back in love?" What does this look like?

Because I got to spend so much quality time with them when they were little, I was able to form a very close bond with my niece and nephew. Now they are teens, they will text me and ask me for advice. They offer to babysit for my young kids, who adore them. I feel so lucky to have this relationship with them, which I don't think I would have without all those babysitting opportunities.

+1. This is how my family works. I'd watch my nieces and nephews without a single thought of "payback" in any tangible form. I adore them, and I feel lucky to be in their lives. My siblings would watch my baby with the same attitude. We do it because we genuinely love AND like each other. No one takes advantage of anyone else and none of us use guilt as a weapon. The payback is having great relationships with the kids as they grow.

My in-laws on the other hand...

I have a single aunt who lives locally and she does a lot of babysitting for us. We don't pay her (she won't let us--we've offered) but we do also try to include her in a lot of our family outings that do not require her to be "babysitting" (i.e. both parents are there and she is there as a guest). We also invite her to dinner at least once or twice a week, DH helps with things that need to be done around her house and we give her really nice birthday and Christmas gifts. And when there is a snow storm coming (or just whenever she wants to), we always have her come and spend the night so she doesn't have to be stuck in the house all alone. She's a pretty low-key person so even the little things like giving her pictures of the kids or dropping by for a surprise visit mean the world to her so I try to always think of things that I know will brighten her day.

She's very healthy now but she knows (at least I hope she knows) that if she ever needs us to step up and take care of her, there is no question that we would be there for her. We need her now but when the time comes that she needs us, we will absolutely return the favor.

Anonymous wrote:So glad to see the responses from PPs in loving, healthy families who don't keep score and/or who understand that someone else (the babysitter) may need them more down the line so things eventually even out. The posters who are keeping score and always harping on "being used" don't understand what it means to be in a loving family. Sad.

Huh? Who said anything about keeping score? Reciprocating help is not "keeping score" - it's what people do for each other. Relationship means you relate to each other - that there's an exchange of some sort. It's not about tit for tat or something, but about understanding that the kind thing to do for people who are helping you, is to return some level or degree of effort, and not just take all the time. That's what normal, loving families do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not wanting money for babysitting is one thing.
When they provide day care, they should get something. Unless they are really comfortable financially. Otherwise they are giving up earning power, retirement savings, etc.

I disagree. It's not a bartering system, its family. You help someone when help is needed. The last thing I want is for my relatives to feel obliged to do something for me, just because I helped them in some way. I lived with an aunt for 18 months while saving for a house, didn't pay a dime. A few years later, my brother lived with me rent free for over a year. We help each other because we want the best for our family and we're all in this together. The payoff is seeing each other prosper. Corny, but its the truth.

It's funny that those of us with families that chip in for childcare are treated like this is unusual when it's probably more common from a global perspective.

Paying someone isn't bartering. Not charging rent is different than giving up prime working hours and earning opportunity to watch your kids for free.

My mom comes to town once a year or so for a couple weeks to help us out if one of us is traveling. She is retired so free to come and go as she pleases. We always pay for her plane ticket, try to take her some nice places that she's interested in while she is here and then slip her a gift card on her way out the door. She used the last one to buy a smartphone that she otherwise would have never bought. Mostly, though, I make a point to brag about how wonderful she is to her friends and mine in front of her. I want her and everyone around her to know how much I appreciate the help, and that I know she has a choice and is making her grandkids a priority in her life.

Anonymous[b wrote:]If my mom had ever watched my kid, I would have paid her like a regular sitter/day care provider. Maybe not the same rate, because she wouldn't "need" or want to take it. But I would anyway. Because it's a hell of a lot of work and responsibility. Paying at 80-90% market rate would be beneficial to both of us[/b].

I have friends whose mom watched their two kids all week. They make Sunday night dinner for them.

I would do the same. I would have paid someone anyway and I would want my mom to be compensated for all of that responsibility. She raised her kids so I would never assume she should set her time aside to help raise mine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I regularly babysat for my brother's kids, I was paid back in love, and home cooked meals. A great deal for me.

Honest question -- what does it mean to get "paid back in love?" What does this look like?

Because I got to spend so much quality time with them when they were little, I was able to form a very close bond with my niece and nephew. Now they are teens, they will text me and ask me for advice. They offer to babysit for my young kids, who adore them. I feel so lucky to have this relationship with them, which I don't think I would have without all those babysitting opportunities.

So glad to see the responses from PPs in loving, healthy families who don't keep score and/or who understand that someone else (the babysitter) may need them more down the line so things eventually even out. The posters who are keeping score and always harping on "being used" don't understand what it means to be in a loving family. Sad.

Anonymous wrote:Not wanting money for babysitting is one thing.
When they provide day care, they should get something. Unless they are really comfortable financially. Otherwise they are giving up earning power, retirement savings, etc.

I disagree. It's not a bartering system, its family. You help someone when help is needed. The last thing I want is for my relatives to feel obliged to do something for me, just because I helped them in some way. I lived with an aunt for 18 months while saving for a house, didn't pay a dime. A few years later, my brother lived with me rent free for over a year. We help each other because we want the best for our family and we're all in this together. The payoff is seeing each other prosper. Corny, but its the truth.

It's funny that those of us with families that chip in for childcare are treated like this is unusual when it's probably more common from a global perspective.