Anonymous
06/05/2014 21:18
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am confused by the advice on this thread. The OP says she is "terrified" he will want a divorce and asks for advice. The immediate responses are "talk to a lawyer", custody, alimony, etc.
How about: "Talk to your husband about your concerns and your commitment to work though "better and worse" situations. Tell him you still love him and you know he is having doubts. Encourage him to go to marriage counseling with you so that the two of you can better understand each others feelings right now and work together to improve the marriage. Emphasize that you both owe working things out to the kids in providing a stable family for them."
Wow, "divorce" is the word of the day on here.
Well, divorce was the title of the thread. I posted earlier and I absolutely believe in working on a marriage - we've been through hell and back and are still married. We even separated - not my choice, but it takes two people to decide to work on a marriage and you can't force someone to stay. I interpreted the post as a prepping for divorce question. It doesn't mean they will divorce but she shouldn't stand idly by and assume she and her husband are on the same page. Preparing doesn't mean forcing the issue or going through with it, it just means empowering yourself so you aren't dependent on someone who may not be on the team.
Because I wanted her to understand first and foremost that she is not powerless as her post implied. She needs to get the facts straight, empower herself, and realize she is going to be okay, before she can work on the marriage. Otherwise she is desperately holding onto him because she is afraid.
I'm a big believer that you need to empower yourself and work on your self first before you can work on a marriage, and op struck me as someone who needs a plan for herself regardless of her husband. If one person in the marriage changes, the dynamic changes. But I agree counseling is a great first step.
Then why didn't you suggest counseling as a first step, since you are such as big advocate of saving a marriage?
Anonymous
06/05/2014 15:23
Subject: Re:My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
If you did not work, you'd get alimony (but not forever).
Anonymous
06/05/2014 12:50
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
Anonymous wrote:Women think the way to a mans heart is cooking. No. It's bj's. Men are simple. Start with some bj's, flirty texting, sext outfits and go from there.
Nah. Not after he's fantasizing about other women and seemingly bitter.
Anonymous
06/05/2014 10:21
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
Anonymous wrote:The women's group at my church raved about this article and maybe it will bring you comfort:
http://theweek.com/article/index/99512/he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him
That said... There are worse things for kids than a divorce. A mother who feels victimized and helpless because her husband wants out is not going to be able to help her children see their self-worth is not based on being loved.
The author of the article followed up today: http://theweek.com/article/index/262661/i-didnt-save-my-marriage-i-saved-myself#axzz33m4PyN9A
They did end up divorcing, but as she notes, the point of her actions were not just about the marriage: "I have moved on from that time in my life, and while the end of the essay and the book leave my marriage in a place of healing, that marriage needed to end, and it did. Again, it was never about staying together. It was about taking care of yourself in a time when society says that you should suffer greatly, fight, splay yourself supplicant. I refused to do that. I felt that it was his crisis, and my job was to focus on what I could control and let go of the rest, which included the outcome of my marriage. I gave myself a stopping point. And eventually we stopped. And now we are divorced. Amicably. We are on to new chapters. All the players are thriving. And I've been given the opportunity to re-live the messages in my book/essay from a new angle. They still apply and they are still lifelines. And I can say that I know, without a doubt, that happiness is within."
Anonymous
06/04/2014 16:02
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am confused by the advice on this thread. The OP says she is "terrified" he will want a divorce and asks for advice. The immediate responses are "talk to a lawyer", custody, alimony, etc.
How about: "Talk to your husband about your concerns and your commitment to work though "better and worse" situations. Tell him you still love him and you know he is having doubts. Encourage him to go to marriage counseling with you so that the two of you can better understand each others feelings right now and work together to improve the marriage. Emphasize that you both owe working things out to the kids in providing a stable family for them."
Wow, "divorce" is the word of the day on here.
Well, divorce was the title of the thread. I posted earlier and I absolutely believe in working on a marriage - we've been through hell and back and are still married. We even separated - not my choice, but it takes two people to decide to work on a marriage and you can't force someone to stay. I interpreted the post as a prepping for divorce question. It doesn't mean they will divorce but she shouldn't stand idly by and assume she and her husband are on the same page. Preparing doesn't mean forcing the issue or going through with it, it just means empowering yourself so you aren't dependent on someone who may not be on the team.
Then why didn't you suggest counseling as a first step, since you are such as big advocate of saving a marriage?
Anonymous
06/04/2014 11:38
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
If you've loved each other once, and nothing toxic is going on, there's no reason why you can't rekindle the flames.
I agree with the Gottman suggestion - there are local counselors who do his weekend workshops, which is a good start to rebooting.
But, OP, I'm hearing nothing about you loving and caring for him. It's a two-way street - you can't only be concerned about yourself and your kids, you also need to be concerned about his well-being. Perhaps that is the problem - that you've focused on the kids rather than him and your marriage?
I agree with the Gottman suggestion - there are local counselors who do his weekend workshops, which is a good start to rebooting.
But, OP, I'm hearing nothing about you loving and caring for him. It's a two-way street - you can't only be concerned about yourself and your kids, you also need to be concerned about his well-being. Perhaps that is the problem - that you've focused on the kids rather than him and your marriage?
Anonymous
06/04/2014 11:24
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
Anonymous wrote:Of course it's a sufficient reason. If someone wants a divorce they are allowed to get one even if you don't agree with their reasoning. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
+1
People can divorce for any reason and no reason at all. If one spouse is walking away, the other spouse doesn't really get to say if their reason is good enough or not. It's like quitting a job. If I decide to quit my job, my boss doesn't get to tell me that I can't because my reasons are stupid to him.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 11:22
Subject: Re:My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
John Gottman is probably the best marriage and family counselor in the US right now. He does individual counseling, intensives, and weekends. You might check out of some of his materials.
http://www.gottman.com/
Some people really like the book "Divorce Busting" which has techniques to use to bring a reluctant spouse to the table to work on saving the marriage.
http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Busting-Step-Step-Approach/dp/0671797255
http://www.gottman.com/
Some people really like the book "Divorce Busting" which has techniques to use to bring a reluctant spouse to the table to work on saving the marriage.
http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Busting-Step-Step-Approach/dp/0671797255
Anonymous
06/04/2014 11:21
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
Of course it's a sufficient reason. If someone wants a divorce they are allowed to get one even if you don't agree with their reasoning. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 11:18
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
That article from Laura Munson is so great she ended up getting divorced later. No word on how that went down.
http://blog.lauramunson.com/2014/05/30/my-happily-ever-after-what-ive-learned-from-writing-something-that-a-lot-of-people-read/
She spends this blog post talking about the aftermath and flogging her wellness or something like that center, Haven Retreats.
With that said, go on with your life as best you can. That advice seems sterling. But doing so in the hope that he'll snap out of it? Not so much.
http://blog.lauramunson.com/2014/05/30/my-happily-ever-after-what-ive-learned-from-writing-something-that-a-lot-of-people-read/
She spends this blog post talking about the aftermath and flogging her wellness or something like that center, Haven Retreats.
With that said, go on with your life as best you can. That advice seems sterling. But doing so in the hope that he'll snap out of it? Not so much.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 10:16
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
Your husband absolutely cannot throw you out on the street. Even if you weren't married, if you were just a random tenant living in the house, he couldn't throw you out on the street in DC.
Talk to your DH. Tell him you still love him and want to work on the marriage. Tell him you think he doesn't love you anymore. Ask him to go to counseling with you.
Talk to your DH. Tell him you still love him and want to work on the marriage. Tell him you think he doesn't love you anymore. Ask him to go to counseling with you.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 09:25
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
Anonymous wrote:I am confused by the advice on this thread. The OP says she is "terrified" he will want a divorce and asks for advice. The immediate responses are "talk to a lawyer", custody, alimony, etc.
How about: "Talk to your husband about your concerns and your commitment to work though "better and worse" situations. Tell him you still love him and you know he is having doubts. Encourage him to go to marriage counseling with you so that the two of you can better understand each others feelings right now and work together to improve the marriage. Emphasize that you both owe working things out to the kids in providing a stable family for them."
Wow, "divorce" is the word of the day on here.
Well, divorce was the title of the thread. I posted earlier and I absolutely believe in working on a marriage - we've been through hell and back and are still married. We even separated - not my choice, but it takes two people to decide to work on a marriage and you can't force someone to stay. I interpreted the post as a prepping for divorce question. It doesn't mean they will divorce but she shouldn't stand idly by and assume she and her husband are on the same page. Preparing doesn't mean forcing the issue or going through with it, it just means empowering yourself so you aren't dependent on someone who may not be on the team.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 00:54
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
Anonymous wrote:The women's group at my church raved about this article and maybe it will bring you comfort:
http://theweek.com/article/index/99512/he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him
That said... There are worse things for kids than a divorce. A mother who feels victimized and helpless because her husband wants out is not going to be able to help her children see their self-worth is not based on being loved.
NP, but this is a great article! Thanks for suggesting.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 00:08
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
OP, I want to start off by saying I am so sorry for your predicament. I hope things work themselves out for the better soon.
I am a bit confused because on one hand you say that your job prospects are meager and it sounds like you won't be able to find suitable employment to adequately support yourself + your children, but then you say you won't qualify for alimony because you have a good education which I assume would mean that you could get a better paying job than your husband currently has. So I don't get it.
Anyhow, if you feel the love is gone in your marriage, all it takes is for you to look your husband in the face and directly ask him if this is so. If he confirms what you truly believe, then yes, I would say your marriage is over unless of course you wouldn't mind staying in a loveless marriage, but then you would be selling yourself short and who would agree to do that?
I know you want your children to grow up in a loving home where they feel loved all the time and they can get that, just because their parents are not in love anymore doesn't mean that they have to grow up feeling unloved.
You say your husband is a great father. I am assuming he is also a loving father as well.
So in spite of you and your husband not being able to make your marriage work by living together, you can both show your children individually as well as collectively how much they are loved.
You don't have to live together to unitedly express love to your kids. And I am quite sure they understand this.
Hope this makes you feel better and gives you some clarity.
Good luck.
I am a bit confused because on one hand you say that your job prospects are meager and it sounds like you won't be able to find suitable employment to adequately support yourself + your children, but then you say you won't qualify for alimony because you have a good education which I assume would mean that you could get a better paying job than your husband currently has. So I don't get it.
Anyhow, if you feel the love is gone in your marriage, all it takes is for you to look your husband in the face and directly ask him if this is so. If he confirms what you truly believe, then yes, I would say your marriage is over unless of course you wouldn't mind staying in a loveless marriage, but then you would be selling yourself short and who would agree to do that?
I know you want your children to grow up in a loving home where they feel loved all the time and they can get that, just because their parents are not in love anymore doesn't mean that they have to grow up feeling unloved.
You say your husband is a great father. I am assuming he is also a loving father as well.
So in spite of you and your husband not being able to make your marriage work by living together, you can both show your children individually as well as collectively how much they are loved.
You don't have to live together to unitedly express love to your kids. And I am quite sure they understand this.
Hope this makes you feel better and gives you some clarity.
Good luck.
Anonymous
06/03/2014 23:58
Subject: My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?
Women think the way to a mans heart is cooking. No. It's bj's. Men are simple. Start with some bj's, flirty texting, sext outfits and go from there.