PP, just a brief addendum to your post: you do helicopter them.

I completely reject the notion that we should stop parenting because "the kid is going to do it anyway". Even if my child winds up sneaking around behind my back, I'm still enforcing the rules that I see necessary at home, and I'm definitely not going to live in fear about my child's actions. I give my teenagers ample opportunity to prove their maturity and get involved with (healthy) adult activities, as well as develop trusting and communicative relationships among all members of the home. I don't helicopter them. However, I do not allow private internet usage. It's just never going to happen in this house. I don't give a rat's ass if everyone is doing it, if all the other kids have it, if my child is the one and only kid in America who doesn't have it, or if they at some points set up some secret facebook account while hanging out after school with a friend. The point is, their chances at getting into trouble with it will be extremely limited, and yes, I believe it will help keep them from getting distracted with schoolwork if they just need to go to bed (alone, ha) at nighttime. Yes, they can use the internet, but it is going to have some controls and they will do it in a public area of the home and it will go off at a certain hour - same rules for adults in the home, too. And no, I will never get my kids a phone which has internet access. It's just not necessary - I mean, what is the added value for their lives? Also no TV or phone in the bedroom. You don't have to homeschool to live like this; you can just have a very clear picture of what constitutes a healthy home life and not be afraid to be different than the rest of the world.

I agree with some/much of this for kids in elementary school/middle school, but by 14 and high school, the approach some posters seem to want to take will take your kids out of the mainstream of how kids and for that matter adults communicate in the current tech-driven world, so unless you are home schooling and living in a rural setting with much more control over what your kids are up to all day (and night), you really have to build trust and communication, look for warning signs, but if all is going well with school, home behavior and you believe your kid is in a good peer group, and you make the effort to be connected to the parents of those peers and connected to teachers/school, then trying to prevent all private internet access and/or the spying being contemplated is likely to backfire. In our experience with two recent DDs making it through high school in one piece, the second one this year, we saw the kids whose parents went crazy with restrictions being the ones that were most devious and successful at being devious in terms of setting up Facebook or Twitter accounts with pseudonyms, using their friends laptops and phones for everything (and pretending to be who they were not on line, social media, not good), and using media inappropriately at school, interfering with their learning to some extent. Also, internet access by high school is absolutely required for all sorts of classwork/research, and learning control and being able to talk about disturbing things they come across on line with you is important, rather than being afraid to admit they went on at all.

If staying up late on line and/or worrying about what they are doing with laptop in their room other than working is an issue, turn off your home WiFi at night between say midnight and 7am, or have the phones go somewhere other than their rooms at night (i.e. in your room)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sense that if she is erasing the history, she is looking at stuff that she doesn't want you to know about. That would concern me very much.

Agreed, and I disagree that it is bad to "pry." It is your responsibility as a parent to monitor your child's media use. The key IMO is to set the ground rules and use whatever parental controls you have at your disposal. Of course, let it be known that you will be monitoring their activity and find ways to discuss how to stay safe on the internet. I would make it clear that the rules are set not to violate their privacy, but to protect them from harm. The internet is the wild west and as anyone who frequents this site knows, it is a brutal place.

Personally, I would not allow my child to be on social media until high school, and then only if they friend me so I can monitor their feed. Ditto no cell phones until high school. Computers have to be used in public areas of the house. But then, I am a luddite who doesn't allow TV in the bedroom either.

OP here - No TVs in the bedroom with us either.

But no cell till HS? does your child do any extra curricular activities? not being snarky please don't misunderstand. just curious. My DD does have school sanctioned activities after school and she walks home from the bus. no way in heck am I not going to arm her with a cell phone.

She does not have a FB but she is on other social media. Instagram, no twitter. Oh an snapchat - ugh....

I'm 49 and I have a cell phone. It's Tracfone. It flips open, makes and takes calls and texts and does absolutely nothing else. It cost me $20 for the phone and I load about $50 in minutes every year. Why not use that?

Absolutely inappropriate for a 14 year old to have private, at-will access to the internet. No way. Not good. Would you hire a prostitute and put them in their bedroom? How about a pedophile? Or a rapist, criminal, drug dealer, etc. etc.? You would not put those people literally in their bedroom, yet you have given them access to all those things along with violence of any imaginable type, right at their fingertips.

Step in and set new rules. Be clear that this is not about punishment or that you don't trust her, but that as her parent she is still a minor and despite her maturity, still needs protection and guidance. The computer stays in the kitchen, where it is clearly visible by all. You have full access to any accounts, at any time.

Again, this is not a punishment. Children should not be given this type of freedom in the first place, since the majority of the time it leads to some kind of trouble, usually of the small variety but not worth the risk of big trouble.

Teenagers living at home do not need cell phones with internet access, and their phone should be left with the parents at night. Teenagers who need their sleep and still need to be protected by their parents actually should not have any phone or TV at all in their bedrooms. Help them learn independent, electronic-free activities which help them wind down for the night.

I think you can access history of sites visited on your home wireless network.

This is way more tech savvy than I am capable of but, that way you don't need the device to access. Maybe you can hire someone to assist?

Also, FWIW, I think 14 is too young to have their own laptop in their room.

Most of the worst part of kids online never gets recorded in their web history.

My nephew was being royally bullied on Facebook, but it all happened on chat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sense that if she is erasing the history, she is looking at stuff that she doesn't want you to know about. That would concern me very much.

Agreed, and I disagree that it is bad to "pry." It is your responsibility as a parent to monitor your child's media use. The key IMO is to set the ground rules and use whatever parental controls you have at your disposal. Of course, let it be known that you will be monitoring their activity and find ways to discuss how to stay safe on the internet. I would make it clear that the rules are set not to violate their privacy, but to protect them from harm. The internet is the wild west and as anyone who frequents this site knows, it is a brutal place.

Personally, I would not allow my child to be on social media until high school, and then only if they friend me so I can monitor their feed. Ditto no cell phones until high school. Computers have to be used in public areas of the house. But then, I am a luddite who doesn't allow TV in the bedroom either.

OP here - No TVs in the bedroom with us either.

But no cell till HS? does your child do any extra curricular activities? not being snarky please don't misunderstand. just curious. My DD does have school sanctioned activities after school and she walks home from the bus. no way in heck am I not going to arm her with a cell phone.

She does not have a FB but she is on other social media. Instagram, no twitter. Oh an snapchat - ugh....