Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did your mom have to pursue child support? If your dad is so blameless, why didn't he support you voluntarily? PP, you are messed up.

My mom made more than my dad did (she had a college degree; he didn't) so it wasn't automatically granted. And my dad did pay the rent, and possibly some other bills. Also, we could have lived in a better neighborhood where housing was just as cheap, but she wanted to live near her family in the city. I don't think my dad is blameless, but he apologized numerous times, he never blamed my mom, and she always blamed him. She still rails on and on about him. It's part of her martyrdom. Too bad she needed us to witness her suffering. I think that she felt more satisfaction in what she saw as our degradation at his hands than she did in leaving the ghetto when we were finally grown.

I know others are giving you a hard time but I understand completely. My father also had an affair and my mom kicked him out also. My father was wrong for what he did and has admitted it and apologized several times - to us and our mother. He did not end up with his affair partner but he has since remarried a woman who is very good to him and to us and they have one child. Folks are not going to believe this, but he actually was a better father after the divorce. More engaged.

My mother on the other hand wallowed in the victimhood of it. Trashed my dad at every opportunity and NEVER attempted to move on with her life. She would made decisions about us in such a way as to spite my dad and make him look bad - he offered to pay for summer camps for us and she refused to let us go - refused to let us go on vacation with our dad when we had no other plans - making us return things he had bought us. Like you PP. she wanted us to hate him as much as she did. In my case, my father attempted to be a father to us and give us everything that our half-sibling had, but my mother always attempted to use us against him. At the end of the day, she probably needed counseling, but this was in a time where it was not as accepted as it is today. My siblings and I were talking about this a short time ago. We never questioned our father's love for us because he constantly battled my mother to be in our lives - more than most men would.

My dad had an affair with his secretary. I first recognized it when I was about 13. I finally asked him about it when I was 16 and he denied it. By this time, I knew my mom suspected but didn't know 100%. Mom and Dad lived apart and together off and on for the next 15 years when my mom finally divorced him. I loved my Dad so much, but I hated him for the pain he caused everyone, especially my mom who didn't deserve it. My dad died recently and at the time of his death he was living with his mistress (and had been for a couple years). He always maintained that they got together after my mom AND that he would never marry the other woman. Found out after he died that they had been married. There are so many other painful details to this story that I have left out but bottom line to me is that once you have children, the selfishness of an affair is a while different story. I could never, ever hurt my own children the way my siblings and I hurt because of my Dad. And we really did love him in so many ways.

My father had an affair with his ex-wife. I didn't find out about till several years later. I don't think my parents know that I know or that my brothers know at all. My mom is still married to him. I'm under the impression that it happened just before my dad went into rehab for alcoholism, which brought other mental health issues to light. That was a really rough period when I was 11 or 12.

My relationship with my parents is complicated, and the affair is just one small factor in that. I don't respect my father for his lack of personal responsibility, yet at the same time, I know that is a symptom of mental illness. I don't really respect my mother for putting up with all of his shit all the time and never standing up for herself, but on some level I do admire her dedication (i'm not sure that's the right word) to him/being able to deal with the hand she's been dealt.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

Blame your dad for having the affair AND not giving you enough money so you didn't have the live in the ghetto. How can a woman save her marriage when he husband has left her for another woman?

Although there are two sides to every story, there's a lot of truth here, OP.

My story isn't nearly as ugly as the original poster, but I can see a lot of truth in what she said. My mom is still bitter and twisted about many things in how her marriage to my dad ended. Yes, he behaved terribly, but after 25 years, at least some of this bitterness is on her.

And ruining family occasions... btdt. All that BS landed me in therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think mother's get to abdicate motherhood because their husband left. Sorry. Father is responsible for his relationship with the kids but mother is responsible for hers. Regardless of who left whom 20 years ago.

Did I say anywhere that I agreed with the way she handled it? I was just answering the questions and that's what happened.

I'm sorry, didn't mean to imply that. Just meant to point out that both parents are to blame for their own behavior. when other posters are acting like your mother was blameless My father left my mum. I would have loved to have both my parents at my graduation, at my wedding, at baby's baptism. But I couldn't because my mother is 100% guaranteed to act like an ass. In other words, her heartbreak from years ago is more important than anything I have ever don't and will ever do. Also I look just like my dad so when she was badmouthing him you can imagine how it made me feel. I know exactly how you feel and I agree with you because my mum is also a martyr.

My dad had an affair with my best friend's mother when I was about 9. They used us as cover. Eventually my parents got a divorce, which my dad blamed on my mom and treated her shittily, hurting us in the process.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think mother's get to abdicate motherhood because their husband left. Sorry. Father is responsible for his relationship with the kids but mother is responsible for hers. Regardless of who left whom 20 years ago.

Did I say anywhere that I agreed with the way she handled it? I was just answering the questions and that's what happened.

Anonymous wrote:Why did your mom have to pursue child support? If your dad is so blameless, why didn't he support you voluntarily? PP, you are messed up.

My mom made more than my dad did (she had a college degree; he didn't) so it wasn't automatically granted. And my dad did pay the rent, and possibly some other bills. Also, we could have lived in a better neighborhood where housing was just as cheap, but she wanted to live near her family in the city. I don't think my dad is blameless, but he apologized numerous times, he never blamed my mom, and she always blamed him. She still rails on and on about him. It's part of her martyrdom. Too bad she needed us to witness her suffering. I think that she felt more satisfaction in what she saw as our degradation at his hands than she did in leaving the ghetto when we were finally grown.

I don't think mother's get to abdicate motherhood because their husband left. Sorry. Father is responsible for his relationship with the kids but mother is responsible for hers. Regardless of who left whom 20 years ago.

My dad had a long-term affair w/ one of my elementary school teachers (starting when I was 7), and flings w/ my best friend's mom and one of my mom's best friends, and who the hell knows how many others. I'm sure I must have other 1/2 siblings running around here somewhere. We went to brunch one morning when I was 15 and he told my sister and me that he had married my elementary school teacher on a trip the month before. Now she's stuck caring for him bc he's mostly blind and certainly demented at this point. They deserve each other.

I knew something was going on from a very young age bc I have journal entries alluding to his extracurricular activities on his nights out. My mom kicked him out when I was 13 bc my best friend saw him at a concert with our old teacher and asked in front of my mom why my dad was at a concert w mrs. Elementary school teacher. My mom flew off the handle bc she thought the affair was over and his shit flew out the door. I learned of the other affairs later on (although they happened when I was younger).

This shattered an otherwise very close relationship w/ my dad and he made a series of bad decisions following the split that solidified his deadbeat status. He always said I'd understand when I got older but I'm married with a kid now and find his actions even more repulsive. Mom fell into a deep depression after he left and rarely came out of her room throughout my high school years. She never got over the hurt and still trashes him 20 yrs later. My siblings and I have little to no contact with him.

Why did your mom have to pursue child support? If your dad is so blameless, why didn't he support you voluntarily? PP, you are messed up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

Blame your dad for having the affair AND not giving you enough money so you didn't have the live in the ghetto. How can a woman save her marriage when he husband has left her for another woman?

He didn't leave voluntarily. He was supporting two separate families until my mom made him leave when she found out. My mom didn't pursue support through the courts and she could have let us go live with my dad. She wanted us to hate our dad. My brother does, so I guess she got half of what she wanted.

You need some help, your dad is a douche.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

Blame your dad for having the affair AND not giving you enough money so you didn't have the live in the ghetto. How can a woman save her marriage when he husband has left her for another woman?

He didn't leave voluntarily. He was supporting two separate families until my mom made him leave when she found out. My mom didn't pursue support through the courts and she could have let us go live with my dad. She wanted us to hate our dad. My brother does, so I guess she got half of what she wanted.

OP, do you have children? I can't imagine blaming your mom for not wanting you to go live with your dad and his mistress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

I'm sorry that happened to you. But it really sounds like your dad is the asshole, not your mom.

I have to agree -- what your Dad did to your mom and you for that matter is horrible. It's not your Mom's fault you didn't have your Dad in your life, that is your Dad's fault!

After being a stay at home mom to (at the time) 4 kids until I was 11 or 12, my mom went back to work and had an affair with a co-worker. I found out about it by hearing my parents fight. I will never forget the pain in my dad's eyes when my mom temporarily moved into a hotel "to find herself". I will never forget that she made my dad cry, even if I know realistically he probably made her cry many times before as well. I will never forget hearing her laugh when they were in the bedroom (truly over who knows what) and my dad storm out muttering "I bet you didn't laugh at him!". They reconciled within a month or two, and she went on to have another child with my father.

Though Dad has, I've never really forgiven her. Though I love her because she is my mom, I really do detest her for that selfishness and pain she caused my dad and family.