I am a woman who had an affair. My husband forgave me. I forgave myself. I have done much to deal with my personal issue that caused me to do this horrible thing. We have tried to repair our marriage. We are now planning to divorce. I don't think the affair caused the failure of our marriage. I think the marriage was over before I started the affair. I was weak and scared. And I put my husband through undue suffering.

Forgiveness is more a gift to yourself than to your husband. I do think that in some cases marriages can get stronger and survive after a affair. I have heard of many men who cheat again and again. In fact the man I had the affair with cheated on his wife before he met me, cheated on her with me, got caught, and I have recently learned that he was with another woman when he was with me.

That said, I can honestly say I would not have another affair. It was the worst freakin thing I have ever experienced in my life. I felt like crap every single day.

So I don't have an answer for you. Do what feels right for you. Don't stay just for the kids. They will be ok as long as you do what you need.

peace

Don't do it OP!!

Just don't!!

I know there are people who stand by their spouse after an affair + claim it made their marriage stronger, but I say they are living in some state of denial. How can getting naked w/another person strengthen your marriage??!

Or people make excuses for staying w/a cheater.
"Oh, it only happened ONCE." Isn't once enough????

"Oh my partner was intoxicated..." <---- Best excuse ever. NOT!!

"Well I do not want to break up my marriage...I want my kids to be raised in a two-parent home." Yeah, A home where their mother is walked on like a damn door mat.

"Well he didn't love her....He only loves me." And is that how you define love?? If so, spare me that type of love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


From a woman who was cheated on and had young children, I thought staying was the best for my children.

But as the years wore on, instead of things improving, they got worse.

With the passage of time, I became more angry, bitter, disgusted and just plain depressed.

It got to the point where I just couldn't stand my husband's touch so I left.

#bestdecisionevermade

And I never had any regrets.

And neither will you.

I certainly would consider forgiveness esp in a situation that OP describes. People are not perfect, they make mistakes and marriage can be very, very hard. But if two people have come to understand why the cheating happened, addressed the underlying issues and proven themselves honest ( esp with themselves) and open then yes, I think a marriage can be even stronger after such a trauma. It's not a given and takes hard work but it can be done.

Anonymous wrote:If you are Christian, this is a test of your faith. Jesus forgave. If you husband is remorseful, and will change, then you should find the inner strength to forgive. I did, it was not easy, and we are moving on.

Utter B.S. I am Christian and would not forgive a cheater.

Anonymous wrote:I would not forgive that.
My husband knew coming into this relationship that cheating is not something I will tolerate.
If he chooses to cheat, he knows I am gone.
My stance has not changed in 18 years that we have been together,

+1

Just had our 9th anniv.

OP, it is up to you. I could not forgive a cheater bc I would be consumed w images/thoughts about what they had done. That would make me crazy and bitter. Not something I could ever tolerate. Only you know how you would react. I am fiercely loyal. But if that loyalty is betrayed, I dont waste my time.

I really think it would depend upon the circumstances: who, how long, etc...but especially why it happened, what was going on in our relationship that might have precipitated it.
So it really depends.

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to explore *why* that voice is telling you that. Is it because you think it's what others think? Because you worry he will do it again? What is behind that nagging feeling?

The haunting voice comes from all the "sage wisdom" of self-help. Not the doubting of him. I know we were in a bad place. I don't have blinders on. I know he is very remorseful. But I am too.

Yes. Cheating is often a symptom of another problem that hasn't been addressed. It is often loneliness given an outlet. It should be viewed as a sign there is more to do than a sign of disinterest. I would say most cheaters have no interest in a divorce nor is it about lust (most outside partners are less attractive than the spouse).

Forgiving is an affair strictly between a victim and a victimizer. Everyone else should step aside.

I think you need to explore *why* that voice is telling you that. Is it because you think it's what others think? Because you worry he will do it again? What is behind that nagging feeling?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did it. I think it depends entirely on the people involved, the exact underlying cirumstances, the actions the cheater takes afterwards, etc.

Many, many couples stay together after infidelity. I think that sometimes they are just not the most vocal about it because it's not always something you want to admit to other people.

This. OP, I think a lot of us say that we would never forgive and leave the marriage. But doing this is another thing. There is a vast difference between a long-standing affair or a spouse sleeping with a number of people vs. a one night stand at a business conference when the marriage was at a low point. I would be very unhappy and hurt if my wife did any of these, but would I end a marriage, years of history, and children living in a home with two parents for the third scenario? Really cannot say for certainty that this would happen but there is no doubt that it would bring any trust to a very low level from which recovery might not happen.

This is OP. Of all the scenarios you set forth, we are closest to the 3rd. One time at a low point.

We haven't lived together for about a year and a half, so in a way separated but have still been "dating" -- like we see each other everyday, spend the weekends together. But I really needed space. Now I feel like I can be back in the relationship fully. Like I said, I've forgiven, it's just the haunting voice I am being an idiot for doing so that lingers.

Anonymous wrote:I did it. I think it depends entirely on the people involved, the exact underlying cirumstances, the actions the cheater takes afterwards, etc.

Many, many couples stay together after infidelity. I think that sometimes they are just not the most vocal about it because it's not always something you want to admit to other people.

This. OP, I think a lot of us say that we would never forgive and leave the marriage. But doing this is another thing. There is a vast difference between a long-standing affair or a spouse sleeping with a number of people vs. a one night stand at a business conference when the marriage was at a low point. I would be very unhappy and hurt if my wife did any of these, but would I end a marriage, years of history, and children living in a home with two parents for the third scenario? Really cannot say for certainty that this would happen but there is no doubt that it would bring any trust to a very low level from which recovery might not happen.

Anonymous wrote:"Yes, it is possible to forgive - but only if your husband is remorseful and willing to examine his own issues. You may say you had an emotional break, but something in his character gave him permission to betray the marriage. That needs to be corrected."

I think this is the key to staying together - knowing that the one doing the cheating really gets the pain he/she caused, and really is remorseful about it.

I agree to an extent--but only one strike.

If lies or cheating ever happened again. Deal Breaker.

I would also need complete and total transparency for quite some time. Trust would have to be earned back.

"Yes, it is possible to forgive - but only if your husband is remorseful and willing to examine his own issues. You may say you had an emotional break, but something in his character gave him permission to betray the marriage. That needs to be corrected."

I think this is the key to staying together - knowing that the one doing the cheating really gets the pain he/she caused, and really is remorseful about it.

If you are Christian, this is a test of your faith. Jesus forgave. If you husband is remorseful, and will change, then you should find the inner strength to forgive. I did, it was not easy, and we are moving on.