Anonymous
Post 05/29/2014 10:40     Subject: Re:Dealing with a mentally ill family member
Anonymous wrote:I have family members with bipolar. This is what I have learned. I don't take responsibility for their happiness or well-being. I am not responsible for making sure they have the car they want or that they are 100% fulfilled or not frustrated or angry. I am not responsible for making sure they stay employed. I am not responsible for making sure that they stay in school. I am not responsible for making sure they take their meds. They are adults. They are responsible for their own well-being. I will not cater to their fantasies or their delusions or their paranoia or their depression. I will not fight with them.

I will make sure that they have housing and food and aren't on the street. The rest of it is up to them.

If they are off the rails at any given time, I tell them that they are off the rails. If they are not taking their meds, I tell them that they need to take their meds.

I understand that their ability to manage that stuff is limited because of their illness, but *my* ability to manage it is even more limited because I'm not the adult who is in charge of them. They are the adult who is in charge of them. I can't force them to do things.

Let go and let God.


+1000 ITA, OP. I know people in this situation. They are in the care of the state in a group home. Which may sound horrible, but it is really not so bad (depending on the system). They are happy and safe and not lonely. Most importantly, they take their meds.

In the situation I know about, my friend was not equipped to have the sibling in the house, there are small children to consider. While they have money, they are not in a position to hire or provide the arrangement and safety a group home provides for them. WHiel it may sound selfish, they were not ready to give up their lives, and raising their children, for their ill sibling who is grown.

NAMI might have some good resources. GL in what you decide.

Anonymous
Post 05/29/2014 10:04     Subject: Re:Dealing with a mentally ill family member
I agree with most PPs. If you can afford it get him a place out of your parents house. That will be a huge help already. Then sit down together and establish some rules. You are all grown upo, you have the right and ability to say "This and this bothers me." and "This and this is what we expect from now on." Also yes, a therapist to help ALL family members figure out a way to work with this would be very helpful.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2014 09:46     Subject: Dealing with a mentally ill family member
Anonymous wrote:I have a 30 year old bipolar brother who is a huge emotional drain for me and my parents. When he is manic, I am afraid of him. When he is depressed, I worry about him constantly and want to cheer him up. Occasionally he acts completely normal and gives hope to my family. Of course the cycle repeats itself and he never stays normal.

How do you deal with a mentally ill family member?

Sometimes I think having a disabled brother prevents me from being fully happy. I always feel guilty. My parents are old and they live with my brother. Instead of enjoying retirement, they spend their time battling with him. My brother never holds a job so he is always asking my parents and me for money. We can afford to support him but sometimes his requests are ridiculous. Recently he has been pestering me for a new car when he has a perfectly functional car that we bought him 3 years ago. He will get angry at my parents for not giving him cash. They ration him an allowance but it isn't always enough. Then he gets angry and can be scary. Not sure what I am looking for here.

The symptoms described are the same as an entitled, spoiled rotten brat of a person. Your parents need to be protected from him. And he needs to have some healthy boundaries imposed on him. Of course he'll be kicking and screaming as long as he can find someone who will cave into his selfish demands and threats.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2014 09:35     Subject: Re:Dealing with a mentally ill family member
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have no doubt that my brother would be homeless if it were not for my parents. He does receive Medicaid, EBT and approximately $800 per month. After one of his episodes a few years back, he was taken to the ER and my parents did not know what to do with him. A social worker helped my brother with paperwork and he was deemed eligible. My family lives in NY while we live here in DC. My parents no longer feel the financial drain of him. DH and I support my parents 100% (pay for their mortgage, food, car, insurance) and the government supports my brother.

Right now, my brother has a social worker visit him once a week and he sees a doctor every few weeks. I am not sure the logistics of how he gets his meds. He does not always take them.

I feel very guilty that I do not want my brother around my two young children. They obviously don't understand mental illness. Up until I had kids, my brother was like my child. I can't help but feel like I abandoned him and it breaks my heart.


OP it is heartbreaking, but that is just another reason why it might be best to ty to find some professionals for the difficult parts.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2014 09:32     Subject: Re:Dealing with a mentally ill family member
Another advise is try to avoid arguing with a mentally ill relative. Part of it is because of their illness, part of it is because of their personality. This may be difficult because they want to convince you of what they believe no matter how wired they are. Instead, establish rules such as "if you don't take medicine then you don't stay here".
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2014 22:41     Subject: Re:Dealing with a mentally ill family member
NP - how did PPs get in touch with NAMI? I have emailed the DC chapter twice about the support groups but received no response, so I am not sure if they are still happening and didn't want to just randomly show up on a Wednesday night and there not be a meeting.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2014 20:41     Subject: Re:Dealing with a mentally ill family member
OP have you reached out to an organization called the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI)? They do a lot for families of mentally ill folks and have a program called family to family which is a support group for people going through what you are going through. http://www.nami.org

NAMI turned out to be very helpful for my family as we were dealing with a bipolar relative. I learned about how to take protect myself but at the same time we got access to a lot of resources that would be helpful to you. For example we learned how to get him on SSI and Medicaid. We also now work with a non-profit in the area called the Green Door that helps handle most of his affairs. If you live in the area there is a very strong NAMI chapter. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2014 19:16     Subject: Dealing with a mentally ill family member
Sounds like you are a great sister.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2014 19:09     Subject: Re:Dealing with a mentally ill family member
OP here. I have no doubt that my brother would be homeless if it were not for my parents. He does receive Medicaid, EBT and approximately $800 per month. After one of his episodes a few years back, he was taken to the ER and my parents did not know what to do with him. A social worker helped my brother with paperwork and he was deemed eligible. My family lives in NY while we live here in DC. My parents no longer feel the financial drain of him. DH and I support my parents 100% (pay for their mortgage, food, car, insurance) and the government supports my brother.

Right now, my brother has a social worker visit him once a week and he sees a doctor every few weeks. I am not sure the logistics of how he gets his meds. He does not always take them.

I feel very guilty that I do not want my brother around my two young children. They obviously don't understand mental illness. Up until I had kids, my brother was like my child. I can't help but feel like I abandoned him and it breaks my heart.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2014 14:33     Subject: Dealing with a mentally ill family member
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My younger brother's mental illness has resulted in him being homeless. Recently, in dealing with our mother, I realize that she likely did a lot of passive aggressive stuff that helped to drive him away. Not intentionally, but due to her frustrations.



We as human beings tend to rationalize after the facts.


Maybe but she is doing similar things to a cousin and to me (we both have chronic physical ailments). My cousin really has no one but my mother to do the pharmacy run or visit the dr. I call my partner or a friend not my mom when I need something and she resents that I won't ask for help. I just can't abide the caustic advice. I didn't understand what my brother faced. Now I feel badly that I brushed off his complaints.


Can you take in your homeless brother? You sound like a loving and compassionate sister.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2014 11:15     Subject: Dealing with a mentally ill family member
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My younger brother's mental illness has resulted in him being homeless. Recently, in dealing with our mother, I realize that she likely did a lot of passive aggressive stuff that helped to drive him away. Not intentionally, but due to her frustrations.



We as human beings tend to rationalize after the facts.


Maybe but she is doing similar things to a cousin and to me (we both have chronic physical ailments). My cousin really has no one but my mother to do the pharmacy run or visit the dr. I call my partner or a friend not my mom when I need something and she resents that I won't ask for help. I just can't abide the caustic advice. I didn't understand what my brother faced. Now I feel badly that I brushed off his complaints.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2014 10:47     Subject: Dealing with a mentally ill family member
If you have to take care of a mentally ill relative in one way or another, you should protect yourself, as it will take a heavy toll on you. I know this because a relative got sick after caring for her son who has some mental disorder for many years.

Also be aware of co-dependency when one has to care for someone for a long time.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2014 09:29     Subject: Dealing with a mentally ill family member
Op- you might find you benefit from a family support group. NAMI has many. Also how adherent is your brother to treatment? Does he take medication, see someone who can follow his illness?

Caring for a family member who is chronically ill is exhausting. When that illness impacts the person's insight, judgment, ability to regulate, and thought process -it adds another layer of complexity and emotional toll.

Definitely seek out support for yourself - http://www.namidc.org/
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2014 09:24     Subject: Re:Dealing with a mentally ill family member
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have family members with bipolar. This is what I have learned. I don't take responsibility for their happiness or well-being. I am not responsible for making sure they have the car they want or that they are 100% fulfilled or not frustrated or angry. I am not responsible for making sure they stay employed. I am not responsible for making sure that they stay in school. I am not responsible for making sure they take their meds. They are adults. They are responsible for their own well-being. I will not cater to their fantasies or their delusions or their paranoia or their depression. I will not fight with them.

I will make sure that they have housing and food and aren't on the street. The rest of it is up to them.

If they are off the rails at any given time, I tell them that they are off the rails. If they are not taking their meds, I tell them that they need to take their meds.

I understand that their ability to manage that stuff is limited because of their illness, but *my* ability to manage it is even more limited because I'm not the adult who is in charge of them. They are the adult who is in charge of them. I can't force them to do things.

Let go and let God.


So you pay for their housing and foods?



For one of them, I paid for housing and food and utilities until they were deemed eligible for SSDI. It takes a little bit of time to get that through.

The other one hasn't needed that help. I did help her get into an apartment, though, and last year I had to intervene to advise her (housing authority) landlord that she was NOT moving out on a certain date because she was NOT getting get a check for $34 million from a lawsuit. The appointed date came and went and she didn't get a check and she stayed put.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2014 08:28     Subject: Dealing with a mentally ill family member
You cut them off emotionally. My brother is kinda nuts. But, I don't return his phone calls. When we have to be together, I shut him down when he tries to bring up sensitive topics that will set him off. If he's going to freak out, he can do it on his own time.