Anonymous wrote:OP -- I feel for you. I don't know why you are being criticized by so many.

I find that men who come from cultures where men are prized and coddled...do nothing. For example, Jewish, Indian, Asian, AA, Italian, Greek, Middle Eastern men and probably more think they are entitled to sit there while you do everything. My guess is your husband falls into one of these categories OP.

Anonymous wrote:My favorite is when I am sitting at home watching the game on TV and DW will walk in and say: "If you're not doing anything..."

Well, in point of fact I am. I am watching the game. It may not be important to you, but it is to me. So, unless whatever it is you are about to ask me to do (not tell me) better have life or death ramifications. If not, write and down and I will get to it.

Oh, and don't ask me to go shopping with you. You have girlfriends for that. I hate the time (and money) you waste on looking for/buying things we don't need or just trying on crap. The only upside I have gotten from these shopping forays - and I can only take it for about 2 hours max - is flirting with the other ladies in the dressing area.

And, if you drag me out to something I am not interested in, you cannot complain that that thing you needed done around the house did not get done.

Have a nice day, dear!

Anonymous wrote:Widow here.

The quality of life for me and my kids is a million times better since selfish and lazy DH died.

Bonus points for not having to deal with his bitchy mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EVERYONE with little kids feels like this at some point, OP. You have my total sympathy.

Suggestions:

1) Stop arguing. Just shut up already.

2) Stop trying to run the show. Recognize that some of this is YOUR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and let it go. Everything doesn't have to be done your way, and your way is not always the perfect way.

No, in the long run, it would not be easier without your DH around. Separating would create a whole new set of problems you haven't even thought of yet.

You really do have my sympathy. The little kid years are hard, hard, hard. I promise it gets easier.

Thanks, PP. You are right on #2. Part of the issue is he doesn't do anything without me specifically telling him what to do. I was working on a project with the older one last night and told DH the younger one needed to be in bed at 6:30. Well, 6:30 rolled around and the little one was no where close to being in bed and thus up until 8pm and up this morning at 5am (not good for a 1 year old). He was still up at 6:30 because I didn't specifically tell DH to get him out of the tub, dried off, in jammies, etc. He also would just sit around all weekend and not think about lunch or snacks or going out of the house - I have to plan every outing or we would never leave on the weekends. He leaves crap everywhere. It's like he thinks the whole house is his closet. He gets out his toolbox and leaves it sitting in the same place for a MONTH even with gentle reminders to put it away. These are just little examples.

And I KNOW things in reality would be harder w/o him, but so many days it just doesn't feel like that .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried talking to DH about this when the two of you are alone and more relaxed? My husband had many of the same annoying tendencies when our kids were little. My mentioning it in the moment only made me look like the controlling b**ch and did nothing to help.

I decided to talk to him over our rare dinner out sans kids and said something like: "Look, I know it is hard coming home from work and dealing with the kids and house, but I really count on you for help. How about I give you 30 minutes to unwind and then you pitch in with some stuff for a while? Also, I know that I can be a tad controlling about how and when things get done, so I'll try to back off. By the same token, there are certain things that are non-negotiable, such as the kids' bedtimes. When you let Larla stay up late it just makes her and the rest of us miserable the next day, so it can't happen except in an emergency. Can you try to respect that and I'll try not to nag you so much?

Believe it or not, DH was better after our talk. Not perfect, but better. As a bonus, I felt less annoyed and less like the police cop of the household.

The problem with this is it sets up some dynamic where you think you're in charge of the household and should be giving people (him) tasks that are to be performed to your satisfaction. That's not how this works.

Um, my Dh is not organized and doesn't care about anything kid or household related. He's happy with takeout 7 nights a week. He's happy living in a total pigsty. He's fine waiting to pay bills until the "final notice" arrives. I AM in charge of the household because he has no interest or ability in doing anything that's not "fun."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW and I had this same problem. I didn't understand why she was so frustrated because I would do anything she asked me to do. Her point was that she didn't want to have to ask me to do everything. She described it as "participating in running our life," which I couldn't understand at all, because if I was supposed to do something like plan a birthday party, I planned it, and it got done, so how was I not participating?

After talking it through over several months, we figured out that we had been talking past one another. What she was really upset about was not that I did a bad job planning the birthday party (for example). It's that I wasn't looking ahead, determining that a birthday was coming up, and realizing the party needed to be planned, not that I wouldn't do the planning if asked. The looking ahead and figuring out something needed to be done is what was making her upset - she was exhausted figuring out all of those things.

Meanwhile, she had been doing that kind of planning for so long I didn't even notice it, and honestly didn't feel entitled to come up with my own ideas for things like what we should do in the summer or where the kids would go to camp.

The discussion sort of solved the problem, because after that I actually felt more freedom to put things on our schedule, and to have my own ideas about what to do, both in the short term and the long term.

Although writing this reminds me that I've probably fallen down on this a bit and need to figure out some things for the summer.

I LOVE U. Things are better now, but this was the exact problem I had with my DH when kids were very young. If only men would realize this from the beginning, or I guess women need to tell this to men from the beginning. It's the mental work that is stressful.

Also, agree with PP that as the wife, you have to also let the dads do some things their way. We as moms have to let some things go. But the taking the initiative without asking is a HUGE load off of moms' shoulders.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried talking to DH about this when the two of you are alone and more relaxed? My husband had many of the same annoying tendencies when our kids were little. My mentioning it in the moment only made me look like the controlling b**ch and did nothing to help.

I decided to talk to him over our rare dinner out sans kids and said something like: "Look, I know it is hard coming home from work and dealing with the kids and house, but I really count on you for help. How about I give you 30 minutes to unwind and then you pitch in with some stuff for a while? Also, I know that I can be a tad controlling about how and when things get done, so I'll try to back off. By the same token, there are certain things that are non-negotiable, such as the kids' bedtimes. When you let Larla stay up late it just makes her and the rest of us miserable the next day, so it can't happen except in an emergency. Can you try to respect that and I'll try not to nag you so much?

Believe it or not, DH was better after our talk. Not perfect, but better. As a bonus, I felt less annoyed and less like the police cop of the household.

The problem with this is it sets up some dynamic where you think you're in charge of the household and should be giving people (him) tasks that are to be performed to your satisfaction. That's not how this works.

Anonymous wrote:This is something I realized when I became a single Mom. Turns out taking care of a child and apartment, rather than a child, man-child, and house all alone of course the former is easier.

If he is a dead weight, drop him.

Anonymous wrote:EVERYONE with little kids feels like this at some point, OP. You have my total sympathy.

Suggestions:

1) Stop arguing. Just shut up already.

2) Stop trying to run the show. Recognize that some of this is YOUR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and let it go. Everything doesn't have to be done your way, and your way is not always the perfect way.

No, in the long run, it would not be easier without your DH around. Separating would create a whole new set of problems you haven't even thought of yet.

You really do have my sympathy. The little kid years are hard, hard, hard. I promise it gets easier.

Anonymous wrote:EVERYONE with little kids feels like this at some point, OP. You have my total sympathy.

Suggestions:

1) Stop arguing. Just shut up already.

2) Stop trying to run the show. Recognize that some of this is YOUR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and let it go. Everything doesn't have to be done your way, and your way is not always the perfect way.

No, in the long run, it would not be easier without your DH around. Separating would create a whole new set of problems you haven't even thought of yet.

You really do have my sympathy. The little kid years are hard, hard, hard. I promise it gets easier.