Anonymous wrote:First, if you have to pick your battles with in laws, this should not be it. Really, who cares? I was once at a party with a friend whose son was adopted. A grandma went on and on about how much they looked alike. My friend was amused and kept asking me what I thought. Again, in grand scheme of things , who cares. My dd is 12. When I post pictures on fb, my old friends say she's my twin. When my SIL posts pics her friends say the same thing. People see what they want to see.

This is so true. My very pale, very blond son is from a previous relationship and my DH is obviously biracial. But we get comments from people about how they resemble each other. It's pretty funny.

As your kid gets older, their personality will shine through and you'll get more comments about how he loves trains just like his dad did, or how she's loud and friendly just like you are. It doesn't really stop.

My inlaws are ridiculous about insisting that DD (age 3) looks exactly like H. Recently, MIL repeated over and over "She looks just like XYZ (H)" wanting me to agree. This went on for about 10 min. Just kept repeating it and wanting me to agree. I said nothing. I don't agree and I'm not going to be bullied into saying it. Sheesh lady.

The rudest thing I've encountered was one of MIL's friends said in front of me, H and DD with my inlaws standing there too, "Wow....MIL, she looks just like your family. I mean, totally. Nothing like her mom." I was pissed at how rude she was. Hilariously, the friend's husband (who wasn't there when his wife declared DD was only a product of H's genes) came up to me and my sister 10 min later and commented how much DD looked like us.

First, if you have to pick your battles with in laws, this should not be it. Really, who cares? I was once at a party with a friend whose son was adopted. A grandma went on and on about how much they looked alike. My friend was amused and kept asking me what I thought. Again, in grand scheme of things , who cares. My dd is 12. When I post pictures on fb, my old friends say she's my twin. When my SIL posts pics her friends say the same thing. People see what they want to see.

HAHAHAHA - DC looks *EXACTLY* like MIL and MIL always has to insist how much SIL's DC looks like MIL instead (he doesn't). WTF??

Things may even out. My DD is a mirror image of DH and I heard about it all the time from ILs. Now that she's older though, she simply opens her mouth and it's clear that in personality, she's all ME!!

OP here, thanks to all respondents. I like the view to try to interpret any comments as compliments, and try to not take it all too seriously. I agree, there will be bigger things to deal with if I don't get a better grip somehow just now, early on. Of course I realize if the parents can't speak English they have no choice in that regard. But as a PP mentioned, I think it would be nice to learn more via translation about what's being said, if everyone is conversing in front of me (I have done and would do the same if I spoke the language of my family heritage in front of those who didn't understand).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When dealing with in-laws I try to interpret as much as possible as a compliment rather than an insult. For example, when my MIL says that my son looks so much like her son (my BIL) I think it's a compliment because she obviously likes the way her son looks. And I also think that if my child looks like her side (or she thinks he looks like her side) then she'll treat him better. This is especially true of Asian and other patriarchal foreign cultues and especially true for sons, where some feel that if a son doesn't look like the father's side, that he may not be their relative. Unfair, but as someone with an Asian background, I've seen many families where the in-laws come from abroad to visit and think that the child doesn't look enough like their side and they treat the child nice, but not as well.

Who would marry into this fucked up culture?
Thanks for the warning.

Ah yes. You are the type of intolerent American that makes our whole country look uncouth and obnoxious around the world.

You may not agree with a patriarchal society, but the majority of them are or were this way not too long ago. Change happens slowly and just being derogatory and insulting to any culture you don't understand is pretty shortsighted. Hopefully you'll do all of us a favor and just stay home.