Anonymous
05/26/2014 09:25
Subject: Re:Mother visit vent
Anonymous wrote:That book sounds perfect! I will look into it and possibly give it to my siblings as a gift! Sorry about the extended visit you are enduring. Hang in there! My respite comes early tomorrow morning!
Next time your mother visits, check out Disarming the narcissist : surviving & thriving with the self-absorbed by Wendy T. Behary, and a shitload of other books on related topics from the public library.
Strew the books around your house where you mother cant' help noticing them.
Good luck.
Anonymous
05/26/2014 08:38
Subject: Re:Mother visit vent
Anonymous wrote:Oh, thank you all for the sympathy. It has me in tears. Being DCUm, I expected to be criticized. What a nice surprise, especially when my feelings are being ignored here.
Just one more day and night.
I guess I should let her help more. I have let her cook a bit since she is an awesome cook. I just didn't want her doing other stuff because she often complains about being tired. I can just imagine her sitting in a friend's house and complaining how she had to come here and do dishes and she is so tired ...
She is 79 and in good health. Yet often complains about various aches, pains and fatigue. She has complained about aches and pains for my entire memory. She is not grateful for anything. She complains about others all the time, even her supposed friends. A recent favorite was complaining about her longtime friend who had just lost her husband two weeks prior.
She started in on my 5 year old again this evening for "not coming to her." Then when I tried to explain why that might be, she said "fine, blame me, it is all my fault." These words have been uttered by her thousands of time. When I try and talk logically and explain someone else's position, she gets all passive aggressive.
The "what are you doing" comment was explained by her as she was expecting my older DD was going with her (not sure why). Even so, why the barking tone? And, no, she would never listen to a video of herself. She would rever to "fine, it's all my fault" talk.
To make me feel even worse, it is obvious to my kids how much she is stressing me out. Now that will affect their relationship more than hearing her bark comments at them.
19:39, I think I am where you are. I've just had enough.
Answer back "Ok, I will. You are to blame. It is all your fault. Stop being such a bitch and maybe your grandkids will want to hang out with you." Walk away.
It is really true what they say you can't change her but you can change your reaction to her.
Anonymous
05/26/2014 08:28
Subject: Re:Mother visit vent
I can breathe again. She is gone. Thank you all for the support and good luck to those who have current or imminent mother visits. Now to have a fun, stress-free day with my kids!!
Anonymous
05/26/2014 08:20
Subject: Mother visit vent
OP, I posted earlier. These examples you give are so ridiculous they are kind of funny. I can only imagine how annoying they are, but can you see the humor at all by viewing your mother as Debbie Downer?
Anonymous
05/26/2014 08:02
Subject: Re:Mother visit vent
I agree with the PPs that you need to set limits and let go of your desire to have that Mother's-Day-Card kind of relationship. You also shouldn't worry about what kind of relationship your mother has with your kids. It's not your relationship, it's your mother's and she's already set the tone for it. You should, though, make sure you show you're kids that you will not allow them to be treated disrespectfully. You need to model the behavior you want them to have when in a similar position. And, everyone is in one of those positions in their life. It also sends a powerful message that even 'family' doesn't get a pass on bad behavior.
You're relationship with your kids won't be anything like you and your mother's. You've got self-awareness! Hugs to you (and your DH who must be biting his tongue).
You're relationship with your kids won't be anything like you and your mother's. You've got self-awareness! Hugs to you (and your DH who must be biting his tongue).
Anonymous
05/25/2014 23:13
Subject: Mother visit vent
I'm in the same boat, and my mother is coming to visit next week! Thankfully, she thinks so little of my housekeeping skills (my house makes her physically ill) that she's staying in a hotel. Win-win! I'm sort of looking forward to seeing what crazy things she's going to say and do, b/c I share them with my siblings and close friends and we laugh and marvel at how absurd she is. For example, when I was pregnant, she told me that I was going to be a terrible mother b/c I had a full-time job and had a cat. I guess having a cat is the thing that put me over the edge into "bad motherhood."
Good luck, OP! Try to see the humor in her behavior, as terrible as it is. That kind of craziness can be funny, from a distance. Try to distance yourself if you can.
Good luck, OP! Try to see the humor in her behavior, as terrible as it is. That kind of craziness can be funny, from a distance. Try to distance yourself if you can.
Anonymous
05/25/2014 22:29
Subject: Mother visit vent
I'm sure she'll give you flack for this, but when she visits is there any way you can have them stay in a hotel? Or, when you go there, can you stay in a hotel or at someone else's house? That way you don't have to be around them 24/7 during your visit--a lot of times having this breathing room helps.
It sounds like your kids have already formed their opinions of grandma, and if you make them do things for her or be nice to her, they may resent you for it later on in life. Young children are very perceptive! Even at age 5 you can give them a choice of how to interact with her. DD doesn't want to hug grandma? Ok, but she should at least say hello. She doesn't want to talk to grandma because grandma's yelling at her? Then she doesn't have to talk to grandma--I'm sure you wouldn't make her talk to a stranger who was acting the same way. (Not saying you made her talk to grandma--it sounds like you didn't--but just using that as an example.)
And lastly, it's great that DH stands up for you! Sounds like a great guy who loves you and wants to protect you. My DH had to do that for me when we dealt with my mom who is younger but sounds very similar to yours. I've been in your boat sans kids and it was tough, but we stayed our boundaries and things seem to be going well right now (knock on wood).
It sounds like your kids have already formed their opinions of grandma, and if you make them do things for her or be nice to her, they may resent you for it later on in life. Young children are very perceptive! Even at age 5 you can give them a choice of how to interact with her. DD doesn't want to hug grandma? Ok, but she should at least say hello. She doesn't want to talk to grandma because grandma's yelling at her? Then she doesn't have to talk to grandma--I'm sure you wouldn't make her talk to a stranger who was acting the same way. (Not saying you made her talk to grandma--it sounds like you didn't--but just using that as an example.)
And lastly, it's great that DH stands up for you! Sounds like a great guy who loves you and wants to protect you. My DH had to do that for me when we dealt with my mom who is younger but sounds very similar to yours. I've been in your boat sans kids and it was tough, but we stayed our boundaries and things seem to be going well right now (knock on wood).
Anonymous
05/25/2014 21:12
Subject: Re:Mother visit vent
That book sounds perfect! I will look into it and possibly give it to my siblings as a gift! Sorry about the extended visit you are enduring. Hang in there! My respite comes early tomorrow morning!
Anonymous
05/25/2014 20:42
Subject: Mother visit vent
So sorry OP! My mom sounds like yours. She is staying with us for about three weeks and every day is a challenge. Check out the book Children of the Self-Absorbed. I just got it during this visit (thanks, Amazon Prime!), and it's actually helped me to understand her a little more and, more importantly, has given me tools for dealing with her.
Anonymous
05/25/2014 16:47
Subject: Mother visit vent
Anonymous wrote:Endure what you can and once she's out the door, lock it behind her.
+10000
Sorry to hear, OP.
You are NOT alone! Hugs.
Anonymous
05/25/2014 11:45
Subject: Mother visit vent
Endure what you can and once she's out the door, lock it behind her.
Anonymous
05/25/2014 09:14
Subject: Re:Mother visit vent
New this morning ... She is saying that her knee has been swollen since she was 5 months pregnant with me. I'm 42. Then she went on to talk about how difficult her pregnancy with me was. I've heard that before. I just tried to change the subject.
This visit, we also were reminded that she bumped her leg getting into our minivan a few years ago and how the scar remains. It was a bruise. Yes a big, I'm sure painful, bruise but not some major break.
I'm sure ther is a less annoying spin that a fresh mind would give these comments but to me they all sound like blame and self-pity.
OK, I'm going to take pp advice and let all the small things go and just protect my kids. One more day. Thank you all.
This visit, we also were reminded that she bumped her leg getting into our minivan a few years ago and how the scar remains. It was a bruise. Yes a big, I'm sure painful, bruise but not some major break.
I'm sure ther is a less annoying spin that a fresh mind would give these comments but to me they all sound like blame and self-pity.
OK, I'm going to take pp advice and let all the small things go and just protect my kids. One more day. Thank you all.