Anonymous
05/23/2014 13:37
Subject: ex-In-laws
OP again.
I do believe that most of the nasty behavior was done in the heat of the moment and was fed by XH's actions and claims. He is not a factor right now, for various reasons, but I do keep my guard up and we both agreed a while ago that XH is not a topic that anyone brings up. Divorce is ugly to begin with, our divorce was particularly ugly and costly, plus it was the first one in either family that had a young child caught in the middle.
Since xMIL has access to my social media, she knows about my fiance and has even made 'approving' comments to me. It will be even more awkward than the last few visits, but it's not like I was going to stay single forever. I also am not worried about what DD would/will say to xMIL. I would 100% stand behind all my decisions in court if it came down to that. I don't have anything to hide or apologize for, DD is in a stable, healthy, loving home and is thriving.
She knows that DD tells me EVERYTHING (bc she's 5 and never stops talking) and we had a brief conversation during her first visit where I laid it all out on the table for her and said that her visits were for DD's benefit and if anything happened and I felt like it was no longer in DD's best interest for these visits to continue, that was it. So no pumping DD for info, no bringing up how awesome XH and home state is and she needs to come visit, none of that crap. That boundary has pretty much held.
And I'm not worried about them WINNING grandparent's rights, I just can't afford to deal with any court action. The state they live in does allow for suits to be filed when parents are divorced and I don't trust the court to truly put my kid's best interest first.
Allowing a relationship is what's best for my kid in our circumstances. If nothing else, it helps me sleep at night since if I get hit by a bus tmw, she'll likely end up with XH and at least she'll know someone out there/have people looking out for her. That may seem like a crazy morbid thought to people that haven't dealt with it, but honestly, my biggest fear is something happening to me/XH popping back up and DD getting shipped off to someone who is basically a stranger. This way, I know that if XH ever reappears/I die, there's somewhat of a support system in place already.
I do believe that most of the nasty behavior was done in the heat of the moment and was fed by XH's actions and claims. He is not a factor right now, for various reasons, but I do keep my guard up and we both agreed a while ago that XH is not a topic that anyone brings up. Divorce is ugly to begin with, our divorce was particularly ugly and costly, plus it was the first one in either family that had a young child caught in the middle.
Since xMIL has access to my social media, she knows about my fiance and has even made 'approving' comments to me. It will be even more awkward than the last few visits, but it's not like I was going to stay single forever. I also am not worried about what DD would/will say to xMIL. I would 100% stand behind all my decisions in court if it came down to that. I don't have anything to hide or apologize for, DD is in a stable, healthy, loving home and is thriving.
She knows that DD tells me EVERYTHING (bc she's 5 and never stops talking) and we had a brief conversation during her first visit where I laid it all out on the table for her and said that her visits were for DD's benefit and if anything happened and I felt like it was no longer in DD's best interest for these visits to continue, that was it. So no pumping DD for info, no bringing up how awesome XH and home state is and she needs to come visit, none of that crap. That boundary has pretty much held.
And I'm not worried about them WINNING grandparent's rights, I just can't afford to deal with any court action. The state they live in does allow for suits to be filed when parents are divorced and I don't trust the court to truly put my kid's best interest first.
Allowing a relationship is what's best for my kid in our circumstances. If nothing else, it helps me sleep at night since if I get hit by a bus tmw, she'll likely end up with XH and at least she'll know someone out there/have people looking out for her. That may seem like a crazy morbid thought to people that haven't dealt with it, but honestly, my biggest fear is something happening to me/XH popping back up and DD getting shipped off to someone who is basically a stranger. This way, I know that if XH ever reappears/I die, there's somewhat of a support system in place already.
Anonymous
05/23/2014 12:11
Subject: ex-In-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you are doing the right thing the way you are handling it now.
You should always take the high ground when children are involved.
You do not have to be friends with her, but I think you are right to be civil and support the relationship, within acceptable boundaries.
I don't understand all these people saying you shouldn't leave your kids with their grandmother - why not?
Did you READ her post? Third paragraph from the bottom. The grandmother threatened to take OP's child away from her. That right there means the child will never be alone with her.
People often threaten unwise things during divorce proceedings. That doesn't mean you should take it out on the children by undermining their relationship with their grandparents. Children should not be used as weapons in your wars.
Some one who's threatened to take your children away from you is a safety threat to your family. Kidnappings are most frequently done by people known to the family. It's not about using your child to hurt the grandparent, but protecting the child from malicious and potentially mentally ill people.
Massively over-reacting to situations, e.g. worrying about grannies kidnapping their grandkids is also a sign of potential mental illness, just so you know...
Well maybe you come from a family where people say crazy things they don't mean just to stir up drama, but in my family, if some one said they wanted to take your kids away from you, it wouldn't be seen as a joke or something grams just says in the heat of the moment. That's absolutely crazy. We're not going to treat you like normal grandma after that.
Anonymous
05/23/2014 11:35
Subject: ex-In-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you are doing the right thing the way you are handling it now.
You should always take the high ground when children are involved.
You do not have to be friends with her, but I think you are right to be civil and support the relationship, within acceptable boundaries.
I don't understand all these people saying you shouldn't leave your kids with their grandmother - why not?
Did you READ her post? Third paragraph from the bottom. The grandmother threatened to take OP's child away from her. That right there means the child will never be alone with her.
People often threaten unwise things during divorce proceedings. That doesn't mean you should take it out on the children by undermining their relationship with their grandparents. Children should not be used as weapons in your wars.
Some one who's threatened to take your children away from you is a safety threat to your family. Kidnappings are most frequently done by people known to the family. It's not about using your child to hurt the grandparent, but protecting the child from malicious and potentially mentally ill people.
Massively over-reacting to situations, e.g. worrying about grannies kidnapping their grandkids is also a sign of potential mental illness, just so you know...
Anonymous
05/23/2014 11:32
Subject: ex-In-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you are doing the right thing the way you are handling it now.
You should always take the high ground when children are involved.
You do not have to be friends with her, but I think you are right to be civil and support the relationship, within acceptable boundaries.
I don't understand all these people saying you shouldn't leave your kids with their grandmother - why not?
Did you READ her post? Third paragraph from the bottom. The grandmother threatened to take OP's child away from her. That right there means the child will never be alone with her.
People often threaten unwise things during divorce proceedings. That doesn't mean you should take it out on the children by undermining their relationship with their grandparents. Children should not be used as weapons in your wars.
Some one who's threatened to take your children away from you is a safety threat to your family. Kidnappings are most frequently done by people known to the family. It's not about using your child to hurt the grandparent, but protecting the child from malicious and potentially mentally ill people.
Anonymous
05/23/2014 11:02
Subject: ex-In-laws
OP, thank you for doing right by your child. Having her paternal grandmother in her life will only be a good thing down the road, especially since it appears her father is a mess. She's young, so she doesn't get it now, but down the road she will appreciate how hard that must have been for you. Having more people to love your child is never a bad thing.
Feel free to continue to shut down inquiries into your private life. If you think it might help, do as others suggested and tell them you prefer not to discuss it. That your relationship with them is solely for your daughter's sake. Continue to be polite, but do not feel bad being firm. Re-send any emails you've already sent her about things to do, no need to re-write stuff you've already answered. I'd just forward with a "here's that email with a bunch of ideas for you".
But really, you are doing things the right way, even if your ex-in-laws don't like it. You sound like a great mother.
Feel free to continue to shut down inquiries into your private life. If you think it might help, do as others suggested and tell them you prefer not to discuss it. That your relationship with them is solely for your daughter's sake. Continue to be polite, but do not feel bad being firm. Re-send any emails you've already sent her about things to do, no need to re-write stuff you've already answered. I'd just forward with a "here's that email with a bunch of ideas for you".
But really, you are doing things the right way, even if your ex-in-laws don't like it. You sound like a great mother.
Anonymous
05/23/2014 08:00
Subject: ex-In-laws
Anonymous wrote:You do know of course that grandparents have no rights, either to visitation or anything else? If your xiLs are bad actors in your divorce and high maintenance, have them stay in a hotel and supervise their very brief visits with your kids. Your kids are the only priority in this already-toxic situation.
Depends on the state.
Anonymous
05/22/2014 20:37
Subject: ex-In-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you are doing the right thing the way you are handling it now.
You should always take the high ground when children are involved.
You do not have to be friends with her, but I think you are right to be civil and support the relationship, within acceptable boundaries.
I don't understand all these people saying you shouldn't leave your kids with their grandmother - why not?
Did you READ her post? Third paragraph from the bottom. The grandmother threatened to take OP's child away from her. That right there means the child will never be alone with her.
People often threaten unwise things during divorce proceedings. That doesn't mean you should take it out on the children by undermining their relationship with their grandparents. Children should not be used as weapons in your wars.
Even their dad? Not OP, but my xH threatened to have me declared an unfit mother and take the kids and never let me see them again. My lawyer and therapist said there was no chance that would ever happen, but I still let him take the kids to his parents overnight and agreed to lots of visitation.
Respectfully, I disagree. Anyone who EVER threatens to take your kids away should be kept away from them. They lack moral character. SVO!
Anonymous
05/22/2014 20:32
Subject: ex-In-laws
OP, there is a special place in heaven for people as kind and decent as you.
I have a feeling this as just as awkward for ex-MIL as it is for you, and she has no real idea how to handle things or how things should be. As for boundaries, I think things like "this is really for you and DD" or "let's focus on you and DD" can help turn away from topics you don't want to address.
And ex-BIL surely isn't helping! I would send him one reply then otherwise ignore.
I have a feeling this as just as awkward for ex-MIL as it is for you, and she has no real idea how to handle things or how things should be. As for boundaries, I think things like "this is really for you and DD" or "let's focus on you and DD" can help turn away from topics you don't want to address.
And ex-BIL surely isn't helping! I would send him one reply then otherwise ignore.
Anonymous
05/22/2014 20:18
Subject: ex-In-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you are doing the right thing the way you are handling it now.
You should always take the high ground when children are involved.
You do not have to be friends with her, but I think you are right to be civil and support the relationship, within acceptable boundaries.
I don't understand all these people saying you shouldn't leave your kids with their grandmother - why not?
Did you READ her post? Third paragraph from the bottom. The grandmother threatened to take OP's child away from her. That right there means the child will never be alone with her.
People often threaten unwise things during divorce proceedings. That doesn't mean you should take it out on the children by undermining their relationship with their grandparents. Children should not be used as weapons in your wars.
Respectfully, I disagree. Anyone who EVER threatens to take your kids away should be kept away from them. They lack moral character. SVO!
Anonymous
05/22/2014 20:15
Subject: ex-In-laws
You do know of course that grandparents have no rights, either to visitation or anything else? If your xiLs are bad actors in your divorce and high maintenance, have them stay in a hotel and supervise their very brief visits with your kids. Your kids are the only priority in this already-toxic situation.
Anonymous
05/22/2014 20:13
Subject: Re:ex-In-laws
Look if it were me, I would have shut that sh*t down long ago. If my husband dropped dead tomorrow, I would make zero effort for her to see my husband's mother. I just don't care and my MIL hasn't done anything near what yours has. I would be brutally honest.
"Judy, in all honesty, I don't give a rat's ass whether or not I ever see or hear from you again. Your son is flagellating butt head and you were a true delight when we were getting a divorce. That being said, it is important to me that my child be able to develop a relationship with their grandparents and you are her grandmother. I want you to be able to see her. What I don't want is to be your friend. Think of me more as a business contact. We will be polite and collegial with one another, but we won't be getting our nails done together. When you come to town, I am happy to recommend a few places to stay or eat. I am happy to drop off little Natalie to you so you can spend the day with her. I am happy to meet up at the end of the day for a quick dinner and to talk about sports or the Real Housewives. Beyond that, you are barking up the wrong tree."
"Judy, in all honesty, I don't give a rat's ass whether or not I ever see or hear from you again. Your son is flagellating butt head and you were a true delight when we were getting a divorce. That being said, it is important to me that my child be able to develop a relationship with their grandparents and you are her grandmother. I want you to be able to see her. What I don't want is to be your friend. Think of me more as a business contact. We will be polite and collegial with one another, but we won't be getting our nails done together. When you come to town, I am happy to recommend a few places to stay or eat. I am happy to drop off little Natalie to you so you can spend the day with her. I am happy to meet up at the end of the day for a quick dinner and to talk about sports or the Real Housewives. Beyond that, you are barking up the wrong tree."
Anonymous
05/22/2014 20:08
Subject: ex-In-laws
Oh. As far as activities. How about a play at Imagination Stage?
Anonymous
05/22/2014 20:08
Subject: ex-In-laws
OP, you sound amazing. I don't think I could be as big a person. Are you concerned exMIL will tell your daughter lies about you and/or pump her for info that you are (rightfully) keeping to yourself. Such as your engagement (you referred to a fiancé)-- presumably your DD knows of his existence. I'm sure your exMIL will find out through her.
Anonymous
05/22/2014 20:05
Subject: ex-In-laws
I think you are handling this in a fantastic manner! Your daughter is lucky to have such a mature, rational mom.
Ex in laws have boundary issues. Keep your healthy boundaries set. Try not to deviate or make more accommodations. If they get an inch they will try to take a mile. I know it doesn't help with the stress much, but I think you are handing it all very well and your daughter will benefit.
I'd probably politely write back to ex BIL what you write here:
"In the past year, I have sent her multiple emails with hotel and sightseeing suggestions and replied to all of her texts, FB messages and emails within 24hrs. I suggest good dates to plan visits, send her links to possible events that she would enjoy taking DC to, I allow her access to my social media so she can see what DC is up to. "
It's reasonable. It's responsive. Just repeat as necessary. Good luck.
Ex in laws have boundary issues. Keep your healthy boundaries set. Try not to deviate or make more accommodations. If they get an inch they will try to take a mile. I know it doesn't help with the stress much, but I think you are handing it all very well and your daughter will benefit.
I'd probably politely write back to ex BIL what you write here:
"In the past year, I have sent her multiple emails with hotel and sightseeing suggestions and replied to all of her texts, FB messages and emails within 24hrs. I suggest good dates to plan visits, send her links to possible events that she would enjoy taking DC to, I allow her access to my social media so she can see what DC is up to. "
It's reasonable. It's responsive. Just repeat as necessary. Good luck.
Anonymous
05/22/2014 18:40
Subject: ex-In-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you are doing the right thing the way you are handling it now.
You should always take the high ground when children are involved.
You do not have to be friends with her, but I think you are right to be civil and support the relationship, within acceptable boundaries.
I don't understand all these people saying you shouldn't leave your kids with their grandmother - why not?
Did you READ her post? Third paragraph from the bottom. The grandmother threatened to take OP's child away from her. That right there means the child will never be alone with her.
People often threaten unwise things during divorce proceedings. That doesn't mean you should take it out on the children by undermining their relationship with their grandparents. Children should not be used as weapons in your wars.