Counseling. It sounds like there is room to compromise here so you both get some of what you want. The drinking is a separate matter, to be addresses no matter how he spends his time.

Try counseling+

Anonymous wrote:OP here- DH's drinking is definitely an issue. He never has just one drink. Drinks heavily at every event where alcohol is served. Will down a 6 pack in less than an hour.

Your husband has many signs of alcoholism - someone who needs to drink by themselves to "relax" has serious issues. I would bet that he is being defensive about the drinking because he does not want to/can't stop going out. Counseling may not help until this issue is addressed (you don't want your husband staying at home getting drunk regularly).

By the way, it is entirely unreasonable for him to say you are trying to control him. He made the decision to get married, and with that decision comes responsibility. If he wanted to play sports or go out clubing several nights a week, he should not be married with a family. I know that he had a certain life when you got married, but that cannot continue (you are not trying to change/control him - he needs to change and grow up). If he cannot respect you, then your marriage cannot survive. Also, you should some time to yourself as well, and that should be equal to his "me time," even if your personal time is sitting in bookstore looking at magazines.

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT do the legwork to find a counselor. If he is serious, he will get one. Give him a month to make an appointment. Then if there's no appointment, leave.

+1

He is controlling. He should be spending more time with you instead of his buddies. If they are so important to him, then you can cut him free and he can have more time with them. Let him know he will also have 50% custody, so that he will have to figure out how to deal with his child 50% of the time.

What an ass.

I would let him know that you are seriously considering divorce and if he is not willing to put 100% commitment into fixing the problem, then it's over.

a 6 pack in an hour???? Yikes.
Drinking problem. It may not be the only problem, but I doubt anything else can be solved until this is addressed. Its a tough road. good luck.

It sounds to me like you and your husband have your priorities in different places and the idea of having a neutral third party help you both sort things out sounds like a good idea to me.

OP, many men wouldn't even suggest or attend a counseling session, so the fact that your DH is willing to go to counseling w/you is a step in the right direction in trying to resolve the issue.

I can see on your end why you would feel taken for granted, under appreciated and overwhelmed. Who wouldn't? I would also feel very resentful of a husband who had an active social life that didn't include me, while I was stuck at home alone w/our child the majority of the time.

What level is your anger and resentment at currently? If you truly do not feel your marriage is even WORTH salvaging and your feelings toward him are just too hurtful right now, then you do not have to seek counseling w/him just because he insists on him. From what you wrote, it sounds like you believe he has ulterior motives about it anyway. If in your heart, you are just ready to throw in the towel, then there are many people who wouldn't blame you one bit.

If you feel like your husband may be a little sincere in what he says regarding seeking outside help and you think there is hope for your union, I strongly suggest you attend counseling sessions w/him and work w/an objective third party in working this situation out.

Whatever you decide to do, you must DO something now. You have to be pro-active in this....It cannot go on the way it is going on now.

Your husband, in my opinion, is acting very selfish and inconsiderate...He needs to man up and be a responsible husband and father and prioritize the choices he has made in his personal life.

yes to counseling for sure. Know for your child's sake that earned your way out of this marriage and tried everything.

Al Anon meetings may also help - although hard to get to with small kid.

Your husband probably loves you, in his own way. You will never be his top time-consuming priority. He just likes his little wife at home and his drinking lifestyle front and center. Take away the drink and what do you have? Still not the kind of man who will listen to you and spend time with you.

So either you accept this or you prepare to move on.

Going to counseling, within the time limits PPs have suggested, is not a bad idea. I am curious how your husband will describe his life and intentions to the counselor. State your side of it as clearly and objectively as you can.

Most importantly, consult a divorce attorney before you do anything else! Without telling DH of course. Discuss with him the legal consequences of leaving the house, with or without your child. Alimony, separation, etc. Know everything in advance and plan your strategy.

Did he want this child, or was he reluctant?

Anonymous wrote:Well, before you decide it's too late, imagine what your life will be if you separate and divorce. Your life sounds tough, but it's no picnic when you have to seriously cut your lifestyle because the same amount of money has to support two households, you are splitting your time with your child and possibly missing important milestones and events, you are totally on your own on your days with your child, etc. You owe it to yourself and your child to at least try counseling. After all, this is the person you chose to have your child with. There must be something pretty great about him. Good luck.

OP here- You're right. Will try counseling. And there are great things about DH. He is involved with several service oriented groups, really cares about helping others. etc... Last year he went to great length about helping a man get rehabilitated after he got out of prison: helped him apply for and took him to job interviews, got him a computer, helped him get furniture, etc... But that was definitely at the expense of our family time. There's something so great about him but also so confusing...

I think counseling can help. It seems that both of you feel misunderstood, controlled and invalidated. You can't go into counseling assuming the counselor will make him see it all your way. The counselor will also try and understand his perspective. It is easy to get into a pattern where you interpret everything he says and does through a distorted filter and he does the same. A counselor can help take that filter off and look at the actions of both of you for what they really are. It also doesn't seem like communication is working, both of you are stuck on what needs you have that aren't being met by the other and are talking at each other rather than actually communicating. You have both probably told each other the same things repeatedly - and that approach never really leads to change.

I am a believer in commitment so I think you owe it to your child to work on the marriage before bailing. He likely wasn't too different before and you felt this was the perfect man to spend your life with and be the father of your child. I think your issues could be worked through in therapy for sure as there isn't any big problem. You just have to be open to actually working on the marriage. If you are just going to re-list everything he does wrong in your eyes, you won't get any benefit from therapy.

Well, before you decide it's too late, imagine what your life will be if you separate and divorce. Your life sounds tough, but it's no picnic when you have to seriously cut your lifestyle because the same amount of money has to support two households, you are splitting your time with your child and possibly missing important milestones and events, you are totally on your own on your days with your child, etc. You owe it to yourself and your child to at least try counseling. After all, this is the person you chose to have your child with. There must be something pretty great about him. Good luck.

I agree with the other posters OP. And I'm sorry your husband is having such trouble growing up. Set a date on the calendar for exactly one month from today, tell him that you will go to 1 counseling appointment before that date and discuss the lessons from it, but you are definitely moving out if said appointment does not happen before that date. And stick to it. It is his responsibility to find a counselor. And still your prerogative to move out even if you do have a counseling appointment.

Start now in terms of looking at a place, putting aside money for one. Start looking for a lawyer. My sense is that your husband will not pull it together. But you can treat him like a wayward employee and give him some well documented efforts to try to improve before you fire him.

All this said, I hope he comes through for your family, but I am not holding my breath on that account

I think a marriage counselor should be able to provide the necessary reality check that you DH clearly doesn't have - drinking every night, only two nights a week at home. Not sure how he thinks his "me time" is sacred but you don't need any.

I'd say, yes let's go this month and let him know you're willing to hold off on moving out for a month if he can get the appointment set up and take it seriously before the month is up. I wouldn't be able to live with, and presumably clean up after, a man who drinks every night and parties like he's college. I'd find it a lot less stressful to just be alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your husband's drinking may be a big part of the problem.

I would give counseling a chance -- just, make sure to convey your concerns about your husband's drinking.

Yes, it may be that my thoughts jumped to the alcohol just because I have so many addicts in my family but OP's description did make me wonder if that is an issue.

OP here- DH's drinking is definitely an issue. He never has just one drink. Drinks heavily at every event where alcohol is served. Will down a 6 pack in less than an hour.

There's your trouble.