Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just walk away, OP. Tell her you only want to speak with her when she's not drunk, and tell her you will not visit her unless she is not drinking.

I would not cut her off completely. She's your mom, OP. She has a problem. Don't feel sorry for her or let her walk all over you, but set the boundaries and stick to them. She'll deal with it if she wants to. If not, then you're protecting yourself.

Sorry, OP. Very disappointing to have such an irresponsible mom. Take care of yourself, and know you do better with your own kids.

+1 Although I sympathize with the desire to cut her off from you completely and I would say you deserve that if that's what you need, I would suggest that you make one final effort.

I would wait until she was sober and tell her that she's a very mean person and a poor mother when she is drinking. Tell her that if she is drinking you'll end those conversations or visits and only talk with her when she is clearly sober. If she calls drunk you say "Mom, I see you've been drinking again. I'm not going to put up with your abuse while you're drink. Call me again when you sober up." And make that your standard. Even if you have to drive many hours out to see her, if she's drunk turn around and go home or go to a motel and tell her to call you when she's sober and you can talk about whether to continue the visit or not. If you only deal with her sober, then she'll have to deal with the alcoholism or know that she cut you out of her life by choosing the drink over you.

This is great advice.

Does her drinking get in the way of her relationship with your brother?

And, I'm assuming she thinks SIL is better than you because SIL and/or Bro enable her and give into her whims.

My first thought was your mother's probably right - your SIL is probably a 'better' daughter than you because your SIL had a better mother! But then I thought, you're a better daughter than your mother deserves! Have you talked to a counselor about what kind of relationship would be healthy for you to have with her and how to establish it? If you haven't, you should. It's hard to overcome your initial 'wiring' but I'm so much healthier after I did. Some people will never understand but those people who are important to you will. Hugs.

Cut her out of your life. You may miss her for a while, but soon your life will be so much better. No need to keep an abusive alcoholic in your life. Stopping contact with her may be the push she needs to change her life and become a better person.

This says so much more about HER than about YOU.

I'm so sorry OP, that's such a hard thing to hear from your mother, no matter how "used to it" you think you should be.

Anonymous wrote:Just walk away, OP. Tell her you only want to speak with her when she's not drunk, and tell her you will not visit her unless she is not drinking.

I would not cut her off completely. She's your mom, OP. She has a problem. Don't feel sorry for her or let her walk all over you, but set the boundaries and stick to them. She'll deal with it if she wants to. If not, then you're protecting yourself.

Sorry, OP. Very disappointing to have such an irresponsible mom. Take care of yourself, and know you do better with your own kids.

+1 Although I sympathize with the desire to cut her off from you completely and I would say you deserve that if that's what you need, I would suggest that you make one final effort.

I would wait until she was sober and tell her that she's a very mean person and a poor mother when she is drinking. Tell her that if she is drinking you'll end those conversations or visits and only talk with her when she is clearly sober. If she calls drunk you say "Mom, I see you've been drinking again. I'm not going to put up with your abuse while you're drink. Call me again when you sober up." And make that your standard. Even if you have to drive many hours out to see her, if she's drunk turn around and go home or go to a motel and tell her to call you when she's sober and you can talk about whether to continue the visit or not. If you only deal with her sober, then she'll have to deal with the alcoholism or know that she cut you out of her life by choosing the drink over you.

OP here- Than you so much everyone. You have no idea how much you have helped.

Anonymous wrote:if somebody already said this, I apologize for repeating.
F@#$ her. I don't even need to know the details. She's your mom and if she's not going to act like it, she doesn't belong in your life.

+1000

if somebody already said this, I apologize for repeating.
F@#$ her. I don't even need to know the details. She's your mom and if she's not going to act like it, she doesn't belong in your life.

I'm so sorry OP. I can completely empathize, though with me it's my father, but extremely similar dynamics.

The older I get, the better I get at managing the horrible and hurtful behavior in ways that don't derail me quite as much but it's always still awful.

Protect yourself and do whatever you need to take care of yourself. Do you have kids? Having my children really helped me draw some clear lines about what it acceptable and what isn't. It's so much easier for me to protect them than it is to protect myself.

Good luck.

Just a hug, OP. This isn't how mothers are supposed to treat their daughters.

OP you are not alone. Many of us have the same shitty relationship with our own mother. For as long as I could remember, my mother never loved or appreciated me. It was my DH that opened my eyes that it's NOT ok to be treated that way and she's only taking/hurting. I walked away 7 years ago. It's sad, but like PP beautifully wrote...the mother we deserve is not the mother we've got. Cut your losses and move forward. It's HER issue, not yours. You'll be ok.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. She's a broken person. What she said is a reflection on her, not you.

Hugs.

Hugs OP!

Wow. I'm so sorry OP. I'm really glad you've got it in perspective, though. ((hugs))