Unfortunately you cannot expect your spouse to leave simply because you want him to.

Hi I am PP who mentioned counseling can make things worse. It did for me with my verbally abusive husband. My son as autism and his therapist recommended I go to therapy myself. It gave me the clarity I was lacking before and gave me strength to communicate what my bottom line was for me to stay in marriage. For me, he had to go to psychiatrist for eval and do what they recommended. Thankfully, he did it and found out he was bipolar. He is taking meds and exercising daily and eating/sleeping well. Then we were able to go to therapy two healthy people. Not saying your husband is bipolar but that for him to be verbally abusive something might be up.

Read this book http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

It explains why counseling makes things worse.

Even bipolar husband could hide it for 50 minutes weekly and look like he was the best husband on Earth. Often counselors won't push the men as much as they know just getting them there was hard. Often counseling is used by both parties to be the "right" spouse and to feel better but to not solve any problems long term. Some let folks use its as venting without concrete ways to change. Sometimes you will pay later for what you said in counseling. Keep in mind too that if your spouse is borderline or narcissist the worst thing on earth for them is to let the facade crack and show folks their nasty dirty true selves. They can't deal with it and lash out at you and you pay.

Get strong yourself and then decide what to do. If you are dealing with years of verbal abuse you need this Seriously give it 12 sessions weekly alone in counseling. Having a neutral third party to explore how tings are going with you and your relationship will help you keep sane and you will feel you at least have control on your own behavior and thoughts. Good luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:If there's no kids together, why on earth wouldn't you move (provided your stuff doesn't get vandalized, etc.09

Leaving the marital home can impact how things play out financially. A friend left her marital home and moved into her sister's empty apt (the sister had just married, but couldn't get out of the lease). She ended up having to pay 1/2 the mortgage and utilities on the marital home until the divorce was finalized. The mortgage I could understand kinda, but her DH was watching PPV on the cable and leaving the AC and lights on to spite her.

If there's no kids together, why on earth wouldn't you move (provided your stuff doesn't get vandalized, etc.09

OP, your posting is quite broad. Do you have mutual children? If so, then I think that you + the children should stay put and he should leave the house.

If you have no children living w/you, then it may get tricky. If he doesn't want to leave, would you be willing to go?

Regardless....The point is that you are just done w/him and want him out of your life NOW so you can move on.

There is only one way to tell him that and that is to tell him to his face.
Sure, there will be some guilt feelings on your end, but are you going to let those feelings prevent you from leaving your life fully? The way you deserve to?

I thought so.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Hi this reply is coming from someone who was 90% sure I was done with my marriage. If you are this much in crisis you need to tell the counselor. You might need to go more often til things are NOT in crisis for you. If indeed it is done, then use the time in counseling to fairly and humanely communicate your next steps.

You sound like you are on your last straw but its worth it to treat each other well and with respect. If you can't bring up how you are feeling in counseling you have a bad counselor.

You might also need some sessions just you. For me, going myself helped me address some issues on my own. Husband did same and only later were we in healthy enough place to do counseling together.

Is there any abuse in your marraige? Counseling for couples often makes things worse if there is verbal or physical abuse. Please take care of self in this difficult time.

Can you expand on this? I have heard this before but don't really understand. There is abuse, emotional and verbal. He's very controlling. He really had the counselor fooled until our most recent session. Then I finally started to let it out, what he does, and she was alarmed.

This is why I'm not sad. I'm not cold-hearted, I just did all my crying years ago and stayed for the kids. Now I realize this isn't the best environment for the kids so I want him to leave. I was thinking of doing it in counseling but I'm afraid it would just ruin his day and he wouldn't be able to go back to work. I really do feel bad about the way he's taking it, I wish he was like me and just able to walk away. But he has all these feelings of rejection.

Anyway, if someone could talk about why counseling is bad for abuse situations that would be really helpful for me. Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell him he's moving out. Just move out yourself and let him know where he and the kids can come visit.

You can NOT take his kids wo his permission. Just like he can't take your kids wo your permission.

Read much?

Anonymous wrote:I just did it. I said something along the lines of we both know the marriage is over and it's time for you to start looking for a new place.

My mom did it by leaving the real estate section on the kitchen table with a note that said Today is a beautiful day to look for an apartment. My dad still has the note.

That really sucks.

Anonymous wrote:I am just done with this marriage. We fight every. single. day. We are in counseling, we just started, but I feel like there's really no point. We haven't even gotten past step one of do you want the marriage to be saved.

So my question is how do I tell him it's over? I want him to move out, and I think he would understand that he would be the one leaving. I would love to hear other's stories of how you did it, what you said, how it went. It's just scary. I know he's going to cry and be upset and I'm not going to be sad, but I'll feel guilty.

I'm a man and what you are saying is really sad. Maybe your marriage is over. Maybe you're just not right for each other, but to tell a guy who might still even love you and took a vow with you to take a hike is crushing. I don't know either one of you, but I urge you to discuss that you are ready to say this in counseling. You're going to do what you want to do, but even though you are always fighting, there still must be parts of him that you found attractive.

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell him he's moving out. Just move out yourself and let him know where he and the kids can come visit.

You can NOT take his kids wo his permission. Just like he can't take your kids wo your permission.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell him he's moving out. Just move out yourself and let him know where he and the kids can come visit.

I just told DH I wanted a divorce and that I wanted him to move out, unless he wanted custody of the kids. If he wanted custody of the kids, I would move out.

He refused to move and refused to take custody.

Dick.

So... I'm biding my time until my kids are bigger and can fend for themselves more. When they get to that point, I'm moving out. Kids can come with me or stay with their dad.

In the meantime, I'm going to college for a second degree on my husband's dime. He thinks he won, and that I'm staying.

I nominate you "Mother of the Year."

I'm puzzled by your sarcastic response, as well as by the sarcastic response of 16:00.

What about the PP's post indicates that she is immature or a bad mother?

You really don't think she sounds immature? Custody doesn't work like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell him he's moving out. Just move out yourself and let him know where he and the kids can come visit.

I just told DH I wanted a divorce and that I wanted him to move out, unless he wanted custody of the kids. If he wanted custody of the kids, I would move out.

He refused to move and refused to take custody.

Dick.

So... I'm biding my time until my kids are bigger and can fend for themselves more. When they get to that point, I'm moving out. Kids can come with me or stay with their dad.

In the meantime, I'm going to college for a second degree on my husband's dime. He thinks he won, and that I'm staying.

I nominate you "Mother of the Year."

I'm puzzled by your sarcastic response, as well as by the sarcastic response of 16:00.

What about the PP's post indicates that she is immature or a bad mother?

Anonymous wrote:If it's your place, you're free to tell him to move out whenever you want.
If you both rent or own the place you can not do that. You need to sit down and talk it out. And don't start by saying you feel he should move out. Say it's over and we need to figure out how to separate without too much drama.

Even if it is your house, you are not allowed to just kick him out one day. All those TV shows where you see the wife throwing her husband's clothes out the window and then he goes to a friend's house are not real. Legally, she can't just kick him out because she doesn't like him anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell him he's moving out. Just move out yourself and let him know where he and the kids can come visit.

I just told DH I wanted a divorce and that I wanted him to move out, unless he wanted custody of the kids. If he wanted custody of the kids, I would move out.

He refused to move and refused to take custody.

Dick.

So... I'm biding my time until my kids are bigger and can fend for themselves more. When they get to that point, I'm moving out. Kids can come with me or stay with their dad.

In the meantime, I'm going to college for a second degree on my husband's dime. He thinks he won, and that I'm staying.

I nominate you "Mother of the Year."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell him he's moving out. Just move out yourself and let him know where he and the kids can come visit.

I just told DH I wanted a divorce and that I wanted him to move out, unless he wanted custody of the kids. If he wanted custody of the kids, I would move out.

He refused to move and refused to take custody.

Dick.

So... I'm biding my time until my kids are bigger and can fend for themselves more. When they get to that point, I'm moving out. Kids can come with me or stay with their dad.

In the meantime, I'm going to college for a second degree on my husband's dime. He thinks he won, and that I'm staying.

Smart move! Make sure you are picking something highly marketable.