Anonymous wrote:Just wondering what people think about step parents contributing financially to adult children.

Older man married to younger woman. DH already has three kids in their 20s but plans to start having more kids with young wife in the next year or two. The stepmother did not raise the step kids. They were high school/college age when the couple got married.

The husband raised his older kids middle class, paid for college,etc. The wife is from an upper middle class background and intends to raise her family that way. For example, the step kids went to public school but the wife went to private school and will send her own kids to private.

Now adult step kids are asking for more financial assistance. Adult kids see the new upper middle class lifestyle provided by stepmother and think it's unfair. The stepmother works to support her own lifestyle and is also planning financially for her own kids now that step kids are out of college. Step kids will be mid to late twenties when stepmother starts having babies. Is she expected to help support the adult step kids? Should she contribute more to the marriage so DH can use his own money to help out his adult kids? Or should the stepmother just stay out of it and let them work it out for themselves?

They are adults. They do not need $from their father.

Millennials. God help us all.

More Princesses coming down the pike. Just what this country needs. Good job.

Stepmom here. Have you read "Stepmonster?" It's a really helpful book. I thought things would be easier having adult stepkids, too, but it's just hard in a different way.

The truth is, you're probably going to be something close to the "evil stepmother" no matter what you do. You have to focus on preserving your marriage, not keeping his adult children appeased or even pleased with you. They're probably not going to be.

I think it is very fair to set the same groundrules for post-college support, even if the kids are generations apart and you have more resources now. But that's fairly easy for me to say because I'd believe that adult children should support themselves even if I had another 50K to throw around a year, which I don't. I would not pay for graduate school tuition, non-schooling rent, cars, cell phones, weddings, down payments, etc. even for my own child, and I do not support giving that kind of money to my DSD.

My DSD complains sometimes that it's not fair that her baby brother gets to grow up in a house while she had to grow up in a townhouse. And I retort that she had a dad who was 20 years younger and had more time and energy - it's not all fair. We pay for half of her tuition, room, and board (her mom is supposed to pay the other half) and she is expected to pay for all incidentals, partying, etc.

She actually said once that we should pay for her to have a wedding in a place at least as nice as the one where we were married. I was flabbergasted. She was like, "Well, it wouldn't be fair if you had a nicer wedding than mine!" and I was like, um, our parents didn't pay for this wedding, we did. You'll have whatever wedding you can afford at the time. She thought that was grossly unfair. She also thinks it's unfair that the apartment that she rented in college (that we paid for half of) was not as nice as our house, and that she had to use hand-me-down pots and pans from us rather than getting a brand new set of everything. What ever happened to earning things yourself? It wasn't until I was 25 until I bought a brand new set of cookware and dishes...because I earned them!

Anonymous wrote:The agreement was that dad and stepmom would put all of their joint resources into kids until they got out of college. They also would provide some support in the first year after college but they didn't intend to pay for graduate school. The son now wants tuition for grad school. If he gets grad school then everyone has to get grad school so that really isn't an option. And future weddings, house down payments are a concern as well, especially since they will likely have young kids in school when the time comes they will have to say no or give very limited help equally.

The stepmom does not plan to give extended help to her own children when they become adults and does not intend to pay for her own kids to go to grad school.

It seems almost impossible to avoid the evil stepmother label unless step moms just say yes to everything.

This is what I really wanted to know. I think as long as you treat them all the same, that's fine. Just think long and hard about and be sure that this is how you are going to want to treat your own future children--it's easy to say now what you will and won't do, but when you actually have them, your thinking may shift. I say this as someone who has been/is in your shoes.

The agreement was that dad and stepmom would put all of their joint resources into kids until they got out of college. They also would provide some support in the first year after college but they didn't intend to pay for graduate school. The son now wants tuition for grad school. If he gets grad school then everyone has to get grad school so that really isn't an option. And future weddings, house down payments are a concern as well, especially since they will likely have young kids in school when the time comes they will have to say no or give very limited help equally.

The stepmom does not plan to give extended help to her own children when they become adults and does not intend to pay for her own kids to go to grad school.

It seems almost impossible to avoid the evil stepmother label unless step moms just say yes to everything.

The kids a PITAs.

Wonder how much these kids expect the father and stepmother to cough up for their weddings, house down-payments, etc. ?

Set boundaries now, before it gets a lot worse.

This issue is one of the main reasons the divorce rate for second/third marriages is so high.

Anonymous wrote:The stepmother shout butt out. It is the DH's decision to provide or not provide.

Is the stepmother assuming that she will not help her own children once they are all out college? If she's not 100% on that, she shouldn't open her mouth. This is the Dad's call.

NP here. Most couples in healthy marriages (not all, I know, but I believe most) combine incomes and believe that their money is their money, as a couple, and so make budgeting decisions together. I wouldn't be cool with my husband lavishing our money on some entitled brat grown children, and yes, I have a say in it.

Anonymous wrote:These kids sound ridiculous. I do think though, that it's a good idea to think about how you are going to be treating their future siblings and have a blanket policy on financial support. I am the stepmother in my family and my husband and I are one financial unit. His children will be given the same opportunities that our children will be given, even though I bring more $ in. You can't predict the future necessarily, but if it was YOUR child who wanted to move in with you to pursue her acting career, would you feel differently? I always try to picture how I would want my child to be treated if I died and my husband remarried, and she was now the stepchild.

This is a different situation if mom died and child was living with dad. These are grown kids, one living with mom. Mom and dad have an obligation till they are adults. They are adults. Stepmom has no obligation. If stepmom because mom out of default of death and child is a minor, it is different. Our kids will be treated very differently - different parents, different values and different kinds of relationships. And, different finances.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of the parents income, these 20 somethings need to stop asking for hand outs. They need to get their own jobs and provide for themselves. What financial assistance are they asking for??!

One wants to quit his job and move in with dad and stepmom so he can more pursue acting. He also wants to go back to school for an MFA but he thinks loans are a bad idea and doesn't want to be in debt. The daughter wants cash so she can move out of her mother's house and get a nicer car than the old one dad gave her 5 years ago.

No way. I would not let an adult move in to pursue acting. To go back to school that he is paying for, I'd consider it but I'd have to get along well with him and have the space. To move out of mom's house and drive a new car, humm... no. Stepmom is not obligated in any way. We had this situation and my husband said no way. We continued to provide medical care as long as we could but was it.

If kids needed something as there was a true emergency, especially medical, then yes, we'd step in but not to support their lifestyle choices.

These kids sound ridiculous. I do think though, that it's a good idea to think about how you are going to be treating their future siblings and have a blanket policy on financial support. I am the stepmother in my family and my husband and I are one financial unit. His children will be given the same opportunities that our children will be given, even though I bring more $ in. You can't predict the future necessarily, but if it was YOUR child who wanted to move in with you to pursue her acting career, would you feel differently? I always try to picture how I would want my child to be treated if I died and my husband remarried, and she was now the stepchild.