Anonymous wrote:We discovered my DC's special needs after we got (accidentally) pregnant. DH is happy, as he's always wanted two, and I'm kind of glad it worked out that way - i.e. the decision-making process was out of my hands. I most likely would have stopped at 1 had I known. Now I'm anxious, but also excited about what life with two will bring. Good luck with your decision.

+1

OP, have you considered adoption? This would allow you to consider a child with no known special needs, or a child with SN very similar to DC1. Depending on your child's needs, it might be a wonderful thing to have a sibling he/she can relate to. I have noticed this becoming a more popular choice as I know of families who had a child with DS and then adopted another child with DS that's the same age. Or, a child with no known SN would be a wonderful peer model for your child.

That said, adopted children typically have their own set of needs and obstacles, so you would need to be prepared for that.

Our first is NT and we struggled to get pregant with him (in our 20s!). 2nd was born 3.5 years later after multiple rounds of infertility treatments. He has pretty severe delays but no diagnosis. He's 2.5yo and is the happiest, most easy-going kid ever, but does see many docs and has lots of therapies. We really debated a lot about having more. We would have been 2 and done w/o having a special needs kiddo, but something about having 1 NT and 1 SN had me craving a different balance. So, we decided to let fate take it's course... no trying to get pregnant and definitely no more fertility treatments. We were both suprised, excited, and a bit anxious when we found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant again. I am truthfully nervous about having another with SN, but no matter what, he will be our son and we'll be there to help him in whatever ways he needs. Good luck with your decision, OP!

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness no one told Alan Turing's parents not to have him. My German is lousy.

This has to be one of the most awesome comments I've read in awhile.

We didn't know about our son's challenges (HFA/Aspergers) when we had our daughter two years later, but we're very very glad we had two--and not just because the second is wonderful in her own right. They are very close and the constant interaction and negotiation with her is fantastic for his socialization. It's probably not quite like having a constant playdate with a same-age peer, but it's a whole lot better than nothing. And younger siblings are in some ways the perfect playmates for Aspies.

And of course, let me pile onto the disagreement with the comment above about it being irresponsible to have a second. My kid with ASD is AWESOME, and I wouldn't trade him for any kid in the world. He's clumsy and has trouble regulating his emotions and dealing with unexpected change, but he's sweet and kind and funny, and brilliant. His brain can do things that typical kids simply cannot. He'll have a rockier road than many do, but the implicit suggestion that he or the world would be better off if he didn't exist is nuts. It would be funny if it weren't so dangerous--because of course there is a risk that somebody is going to invent some kind of prenatal screening for autism and we will end up steadily reducing human diversity in a way that could have terrible consequences. Thank goodness no one told Alan Turing's parents not to have him. My German is lousy.

We are sticking with one. Our child is not too severely impacted but will need life-long support. In the end I just felt content with one. I had always imagined just one child. I do worry if my child needs a sibling but I'm past 40 and not willing to risk having another child with special needs. And if guaranteed an NT child I still think I'd pass, I'm happy with the one kid.

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who said it's irresponsible, that's a gross overstatement. Are you saying it's wrong to bring another SN child into the world? Irresponsible is doing drugs while you're pregnant. Taking a chance that you may have a child who is similar to another child you already have and love (even at times when it feels near impossible) is not irresponsible. Plus, as with anything in life there are no guarantees one way or the other. You could have a perfectly NT child first and then an SN child. Your comments are really judgmental and show your underlying bias against SN kids.

I'll bet that pp doesn't have a child with special needs.

To the PP who said it's irresponsible, that's a gross overstatement. Are you saying it's wrong to bring another SN child into the world? Irresponsible is doing drugs while you're pregnant. Taking a chance that you may have a child who is similar to another child you already have and love (even at times when it feels near impossible) is not irresponsible. Plus, as with anything in life there are no guarantees one way or the other. You could have a perfectly NT child first and then an SN child. Your comments are really judgmental and show your underlying bias against SN kids.

DS1 is SN, the DS2 came before we really understood DS1's issues, so I guess you could say we were blessed with ignorance. DS2 really helps with DS1's social skills. They are only two years apart.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After your child with SN was born, did that influence your decision on if you were going to have a second child? I know this question has been posted before. I did search and couldn't find a link.

If it is genetic and this could possibly passed to a second child I think it is very irresponsible for parents to have another.

Just my opinion.

Wow, that's a sweeping statement -- do you apply that to all SN kids, regardless of their disability? I think it totally depends on the SN, the level of impairment, and a host of other factors.

I have three kids: oldest has no special needs, middle has HFA (totally bright, loves life, is healthy and will do well), youngest has some ASD traits but falls short of a diagnosis, and is as cute and as spunky and wicked smart as can be.

The suggestion that giving birth to a third child when my middle child had ASD was "irresponsible" is offensive beyond belief.

That said, I don't personally think twO carriers of say, Tay Sachs, should produce a child without genetic testing -- but anyone who might have ANY SN kid? You should definitely walk that one back.

Decided to stay with one kid.

Complications in pregnancy and a premature birth really took a lot out of me and I was pretty shell-shocked for the first 1-2 years of appointments, therapies, constant medical issues, etc. I was 39 when DS was born; based on my age and previous pregnancy, I was concerned that the same issue would happen again. DS is a great kid, but will have lifelong medical impacts. In my mind, I felt that I couldn't roll the dice just based on what I wanted, without giving strong consideration to what it might mean for that child. I'm not a risk-taker in the best of circumstances.

And if I'm being truthful, I also thought I would be better at parenting—it's been a hard, anxiety-filled road (even considering our road has been relatively easy compared to many) and two would probably completely overwhelm me (and what if it was twins?!). As time went on and I started to realize this, I decided that it would be better for me to focus on our family as it is, rather than pushing beyond my limits, which would make life harder on all of us. I am challenged every day as it is.

Though I believe it's the right decision for us, I am sad that DS won't have siblings, for all our sakes—we all would have loved that child. It still twinges from time to time, and I wish I had more ability to just roll with it—but I feel some peace knowing that I made a decision (for once!) based on what was really there, not what I wished was there, if that makes sense.

Hugs to you. This is a toughie.

We had two more after our first who has had major developmental delays (although at 6 she is making huge not-before-seen gains!). They are both typical so far. I cant imagine our family without our boys. The middle one (2 years younger than his sister) has, I believe, pushed her to progress faster. They all three are so happy together...most of the time. That being said, I was definitely worried with each pregnancy. I'm not sure what the right answer is for you. I'm just telling you what worked for us.

Anonymous wrote:After your child with SN was born, did that influence your decision on if you were going to have a second child? I know this question has been posted before. I did search and couldn't find a link.

If it is genetic and this could possibly passed to a second child I think it is very irresponsible for parents to have another.

Just my opinion.

Yes and no. When DC was first born he was very medically fragile. He was on multiple medication, severely delay,< 1% height and weight, and was hospitalized multiple times during his first 3.5 years of life. So we held off.

His health is much better but has some behavioral issue and carries a Dx of Aspergers. We've trying for 2 years. I'm almost 40. I can't say I wish tried sooner because there is no way we could have handled it. But it breaks my heart that we may not be able to have another. I'm just trying accept this may be the reality.

Good luck!