OP,

This has happened to me with a friend, and I am at peace with not knowing the cause of death. Of course I was curious, and asked a few friends when we happened to get together and catch up. But it was in passing, I didn't need to know details for closure -- because we hadn't stayed in touch and we really weren't friends anymore. The circumstances were similar in that we'd been close but hadn't been in touch in over 20 years. I hope you find closure.

Alumni offices don't share details like this.

I think it's pretty normal to be curious about how someone died, particularly a younger person. I'd either look for mutual friends on FB and ask a specific person...say something like you just learned about Jane's death via the alumni magazine, do you know what happened? Or, just let it go, and send the widower a condolence card saying you just found out via the alumni magazine. I'm sure the family would be grateful if you shared a memory or two.

I had a friend a few years older than me whose dad died when she was 7. Her mom mentioned how everyone sends condolences the first month, but after that the loss is still acute but people have moved on. The cards that came after the first month were especially meaningful to the family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 7:48, all I can say is, wait until it happens to you. The untimely death; they are your peer and you liked them. You want to know; there is a closure element.

I had a very good friend from high school pass away a few years ago. No one knows what happened; no one, none of our mutual friends seemed to be able to find out. At that time he would have been about 42. I still wonder about my friend, what happened to him?

But you don't want to cross a line, become too intrusive, don't want to actually call the family. So you wonder. And now I've got two that I'm going to be wondering about.

You will see, PP. It doesn't feel good.

I guess I can understand the desire to know, but it is very disrespectful and creepy to be researching this in an effort to find out. Either you we close enough that you find through regular channels or it isn't something that you need to know. I would definitely myob. It would make me very, very uneasy that long lost friends were trying to figure out the cause of my spouse's death.

This would not bother me at all.

You can't ask, but why can't you write a letter to her husband expressing your condolences, saying that you'd always hoped you'd reconnect, and we're very sad.

The family may never respond, or they may and over time you'll find out why.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 7:48, all I can say is, wait until it happens to you. The untimely death; they are your peer and you liked them. You want to know; there is a closure element.

I had a very good friend from high school pass away a few years ago. No one knows what happened; no one, none of our mutual friends seemed to be able to find out. At that time he would have been about 42. I still wonder about my friend, what happened to him?

But you don't want to cross a line, become too intrusive, don't want to actually call the family. So you wonder. And now I've got two that I'm going to be wondering about.

You will see, PP. It doesn't feel good.

I guess I can understand the desire to know, but it is very disrespectful and creepy to be researching this in an effort to find out. Either you we close enough that you find through regular channels or it isn't something that you need to know. I would definitely myob. It would make me very, very uneasy that long lost friends were trying to figure out the cause of my spouse's death.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any info you get is second hand and not necessarily the facts anyway. I've had this happen -- I was told the cause of death and it was wrong.

Yes, I always lie as to the cause of DH's death.

Is this a joke or sincere?

Anonymous wrote:Any info you get is second hand and not necessarily the facts anyway. I've had this happen -- I was told the cause of death and it was wrong.

Yes, I always lie as to the cause of DH's death.

Any info you get is second hand and not necessarily the facts anyway. I've had this happen -- I was told the cause of death and it was wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can try and obtain a copy of her death certificate.

That's so creepy.

It's creepy, but OP asked how she could find out - that's one way. Although it may not give details, like if the friend died in an accident, it would give the cause of death from a medical standpoint, without the circumstances.

I don't think it's a public document. You have to be family to get the death certificate.

Anonymous wrote:OP--two suggestions. Contact the alumni office. Sometimes they know a little bit more information than they post in the magazine.

Second--post on FB. I have a handful (around a dozen) college friends and about the same HS friends. However, they are all FB friends with more college/HS friends that I don't know as well. The network within six degrees is pretty large. I have occasionally posted something on FB and had someone who was a friend of a friend of a friend respond and provide me with old information.

Wait. Are you telling OP to post on facebook "Does anyone know how Mary Sue died?"

Usually if it was disease there is a donation fund listed in the obit. If natural causes, it sometimes says. If suicide, it will say, "died at home" although that could be stroke/heart attack.

OP--two suggestions. Contact the alumni office. Sometimes they know a little bit more information than they post in the magazine.

Second--post on FB. I have a handful (around a dozen) college friends and about the same HS friends. However, they are all FB friends with more college/HS friends that I don't know as well. The network within six degrees is pretty large. I have occasionally posted something on FB and had someone who was a friend of a friend of a friend respond and provide me with old information.

Another one in the MYOB camp. The next best option is to ask a common friend.

Sorry OP, saw this one was from college. Same thing, substitute college for hometown. If you didn't keep in touch enough to make that kind of call to anyone...then MYOB.

You call your old friends from your hometown, particularly the one who knows everything about everybody, ask how their kids are doing, catch up for a while, then say I was so sorry to hear about X! What happened, do you know?