Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your poor husband.

Does he realize what an immature mommy's girl he married? I guess he does now.

Wow, you're helpful! Why post something like that?

Because it's true. OP has some serious issues going on here if she lets her mother get under her skin like this, and completely run her life. And it will start to impact her marriage if it hasn't already.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

You missed that part of growing up, and now habits have become ingrained and it's tougher to separate. I went through the same thing.

1. First accept that there WILL be World War III. Prepare for it mentally, talk about it with your spouse, organize the logistics with another back-up instead of her. Reinvent your whole life without her (one day she won't be there anyway).

2. Second, start the war - limit contact. Do not answer every single email, text, voice mail. Wait a few hours, a few days, before contacting her. Never give details. Describe the past and not the future. Don't ask for her help or her opinion unless you are really ready to follow her advice (so practically never).

3. The fallout may be severe but it will pass and she will learn not to bother you so much. If not, limiting contact will save your sanity. Your children do NOT need an abusive control-freak grandma in their lives!
When talking to her, state your positions clearly and succintly, never explain or go on the defensive. If she gets unpleasant, end the phone call or leave. NEVER apologize for this situation. Your mother is abusive and controlling and manipulative. You are not at fault.

Good luck ad stay strong!

OP again. Thank you for this. It's helpful, I know this is what I have to do but it's hard because while she IS controlling and manipulative when she doesn't get her way (honestly she acts like a 3 year old) we also have A LOT of really good times together too. Just lately the bad times are getting worse.

OP, the poster gave you great advice. your mother has only the power you give her. there is no WW3, there is an old lady trying to keep her adult daughter under control. call her bluff. if she gives you the silent treatment, enjoy the silence and go on with your life. do not share anything about your life, do not even call her after you bought the sofa. let her come to your house and find the sofa there, if she talks about it, you respond yes, we bought it three days ago, would you like a cup of tea while you read a book to little Tommy? she may even trying to make you feel guilty by pretending to be sick because of the "pain" you give her (I person I know would do this, be furious first when she would not get her way, and when this would not work, she would lay in bed as if she was dying, until the victim would come back and apologize - don't fall for this trick, never ever apologize for standing up for yourself). the good times you are talking about do not justify her behavior. you sound like the wife of an abusive husband when she says that between beatings the husband is so loving. you are making your mom more powerful that she really is. the goods news is that you have the power to stop this. as others have suggested, therapy may help you get confident enough to deal with this abuse.

Anonymous wrote:Your poor husband.

Does he realize what an immature mommy's girl he married? I guess he does now.

Wow, you're helpful! Why post something like that?

Your poor husband.

Does he realize what an immature mommy's girl he married? I guess he does now.

Stop accepting her help. If you are going out don't mention that you need a babysitter. If she asks or starts trying to arrange schedules so she can come over just say you already hired a babysitter. You can tell her that you and DH feel like you need to have a babysitter just in case she is busy so you are trying some out. Stop asking her to babysit. If she is going to run some errands and asks if you need anything just say no.

What kind of help does she provide? Childcare? Errands?

If it helps think about what kind of relationship you're modeling for your children. Do you want them to see a mother who is manipulated my grandma? Do you want them to grow up in a house of stress because Mom and Dad are always going on about what to do about Grandma?

They deserve better. Be the strong adult you want them to see and model.

It's going to be bad when you set boundaries, but stick it out!!!!

My mother is also another version of this person. Once when I was in college she called the campus police because I didn't answer my phone for a few hours- I was taking a mid-day nap. A nap that was very abruptly interrupted by a policeman coming to my apartment (how did she even get them to acknowledge this and go searching for a twenty-something adult?!?).

While "stop telling her everything" sounds overly simple, that's basically it. Stop telling her everything. Never ever give her ANY details about your relationship with DH- that's the worst. That's how you establish boundaries. And it's *really* hard to do if you have that type of relationship. Good luck.

My MIL is like this and I wish I knew how to help my DH with this more. The fact that we live so far away now helps, and that we simply do not have the time to entertain the amount of communication she would like. She's become busier and happier in her own life in the past year and that's what finally turned things around for their relationship.

Her attempts to get a vote in marital decisions, similar to the sofa example you gave, led me to put a moritorium on certain topics between DH & MIL. I normally wouldn't consider it my place to do that but if he's going to take on his mother's opinion as his own when we're trying to sort something out between the two of us, it's just too complicated. There's now a joke about the "embargoed" topics - ILs are surprisingly understanding about it, didn't start WW3 over it. It's worth a try - if she tries to cause drama, just give yourself a break from feeling obliged to engage every time.

You need to decide how you really feel about it. Do you want less advice/opinions? Make sure you are communicating this. don't be wishy washy, don't ask for advice.

If you feel abandoned when she gives you the silent treatment try to remember that moms like this will definitely up the ante to get back power.

So, hold tight, don't fret, keep your boundaries, let her know you are sorry she is sad, mad, or whatever but that you intend to do whatever it is. rinse and repeat. give it a few days. invite her for dinner, etc.

when she brings it up again or tries to make you the bad guy, rinse and repeat.

TheNewGirl wrote:To let you know how bad it was for me before therapy, I just had the totally irrational thought that my mom would come upon this board, this thread, know it was me, and be LIVID.

Wow. If my mom read DCUM she'd be furious too but she knows absolutely nothing about forums like this fortunately.

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

You missed that part of growing up, and now habits have become ingrained and it's tougher to separate. I went through the same thing.

1. First accept that there WILL be World War III. Prepare for it mentally, talk about it with your spouse, organize the logistics with another back-up instead of her. Reinvent your whole life without her (one day she won't be there anyway).

2. Second, start the war - limit contact. Do not answer every single email, text, voice mail. Wait a few hours, a few days, before contacting her. Never give details. Describe the past and not the future. Don't ask for her help or her opinion unless you are really ready to follow her advice (so practically never).

3. The fallout may be severe but it will pass and she will learn not to bother you so much. If not, limiting contact will save your sanity. Your children do NOT need an abusive control-freak grandma in their lives!
When talking to her, state your positions clearly and succintly, never explain or go on the defensive. If she gets unpleasant, end the phone call or leave. NEVER apologize for this situation. Your mother is abusive and controlling and manipulative. You are not at fault.

Good luck ad stay strong!

OP again. Thank you for this. It's helpful, I know this is what I have to do but it's hard because while she IS controlling and manipulative when she doesn't get her way (honestly she acts like a 3 year old) we also have A LOT of really good times together too. Just lately the bad times are getting worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you just need to watch what you tell her and when you tell her..

Instead of saying "We're going to buy a couch this week." Say - "We bought a couch! Want to come by and see it?"

21:03 here. i agree with this but then it becomes an issue that she didnt tell her mother they were thinking about buying or when they bought it. mothers like this are never happy and its hard not to let it bother you when they out and blame their unhappiness on you.

OP here and this is exactly right. I would love to just tell her after the fact about the sofa but that would be even worse that I didn't tell her we were going. She'd say I was trying to hide it from her. I try really hard not to let it bother me but it gets to me eventually.

So have ever gone to therapy? This is not a healthy relationship OP. Not at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you just need to watch what you tell her and when you tell her..

Instead of saying "We're going to buy a couch this week." Say - "We bought a couch! Want to come by and see it?"

21:03 here. i agree with this but then it becomes an issue that she didnt tell her mother they were thinking about buying or when they bought it. mothers like this are never happy and its hard not to let it bother you when they out and blame their unhappiness on you.

OP here and this is exactly right. I would love to just tell her after the fact about the sofa but that would be even worse that I didn't tell her we were going. She'd say I was trying to hide it from her. I try really hard not to let it bother me but it gets to me eventually.

OP,

You missed that part of growing up, and now habits have become ingrained and it's tougher to separate. I went through the same thing.

1. First accept that there WILL be World War III. Prepare for it mentally, talk about it with your spouse, organize the logistics with another back-up instead of her. Reinvent your whole life without her (one day she won't be there anyway).

2. Second, start the war - limit contact. Do not answer every single email, text, voice mail. Wait a few hours, a few days, before contacting her. Never give details. Describe the past and not the future. Don't ask for her help or her opinion unless you are really ready to follow her advice (so practically never).

3. The fallout may be severe but it will pass and she will learn not to bother you so much. If not, limiting contact will save your sanity. Your children do NOT need an abusive control-freak grandma in their lives!
When talking to her, state your positions clearly and succintly, never explain or go on the defensive. If she gets unpleasant, end the phone call or leave. NEVER apologize for this situation. Your mother is abusive and controlling and manipulative. You are not at fault.

Good luck ad stay strong!