Anonymous
05/16/2014 08:59
Subject: How long to move on after divorce
Anonymous wrote:Another man here.
It happened to me. I was married ten years. I've always had a strong emotional intelligence, so I was careful not to move on too soon. I didn't want any residual emotions from my ex-wife's cheating to spill over into the next relationship. I started seeing someone who for all intents and purposes seemed like a much better catch. She was physically more attractive, she stimulated me mentally in ways that my ex-wife never could, and...I felt like I hit the jackpot to say the least.
We waited four months before anything happened. The sex was the best I'd had in my life. The next day I felt horrible. It confused the hell out of me. It didn't spark any desire for my ex-wife whatsoever, but I still had this sinking feeling like I'd cheated or something. It had to be the fact that I was with someone new for the first time in ten years. I tried to make sense of it, but I couldn't. Four months of building up this intimacy and then in one night it was all invalidated. After that, I felt nothing. No love, no bitterness. Just complete apathy towards the relationship.
It was like performance anxiety on an emotional level. I really, really wanted to get those feelings back, but they just weren't coming. It's been a few months and I still feel the same way. The woman has moved on. I couldn't keep her hanging. It didn't seem right. If anything it's spawned more bitterness towards my ex-wife. I can't even move on although I have zero desire for her anymore. Doesn't seem right.
Sorry that I don't have a solution. I say just see if he can open up more. Maybe give him time. It's uncharted territory. If he's open to it, maybe you can walk it together.
OP, this is a great post. And it proves, as if there was doubt, that many men take sex seriously and it does open a lot of emotions, expected and unexpected. To be with someone a long time and then out into a world of dating where you are meeting women and getting intimate can be confusing and stressful. Add the fact that is ex is already living with some guy and that is a lot for a person to deal with.
I would give this situation a chance but as often said, don't make a priority out of someone who considers you an option. Continue developing your social life and if the two of you agree there is a future together, it will happen one way or the other.
Anonymous
05/16/2014 08:08
Subject: How long to move on after divorce
Get the "Mars and Venus on a Date" book. He describes this phenomena exactly.
Anonymous
05/16/2014 07:08
Subject: Re:How long to move on after divorce
6 months after divorce from a 20 year marriage is definitely not long enough. In the future, I wouldn't date someone with a similar profile OP.
Anonymous
05/16/2014 06:11
Subject: How long to move on after divorce
I think it's a normal, natural feeling after a divorce - he just wasn't ready and misjudged himself. He handled it poorly but I imagine whatever was triggered from being intimate was very powerful and cutting you off was a way of cutting off those feelings - he needs to deal with them at a distance.
It has nothing to do with you, and definitely isn't your fault.
Most peopke aren't ready to move on just 6 months post-divorce, especially after a 20 year marriage.
It has nothing to do with you, and definitely isn't your fault.
Most peopke aren't ready to move on just 6 months post-divorce, especially after a 20 year marriage.
Anonymous
05/16/2014 01:12
Subject: How long to move on after divorce
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Man here. Give him a chance. Married 20 years means he is able to be in a serious relationship and stick with it through thick and thin. Plus you and he didn't sleep together until after dating for 3 months. If he was a player he wouldn't have put that much time into you just to get laid, let alone make you breakfast in bed and snuggle through a couple of movies (extra points if they were chick flicks).
His investment in you and all the post-sex attention he gave you seems to describe a person who takes relationships seriously. This is a good sign if you're looking for that.
Unless you've got men lining up to date you, give this guy the space he needs to sort the impact of this. Guys with his history and attentiveness enjoy being in relationships. If you don't want him, some woman will grab him for the next 20 years. If you can wait 3 months before sex it's reasonable to give him the time he needs to process his feelings. One way or another you'll figure out where this is going in a few weeks and you have nothing to loose but your pride in waiting (and everything to gain.)
OP here. Thank you so much for taking the time to post this. It really helps to hear a man's take on this. I'd be more than willing to give him time and space to sort through this, I think he is someone worth waiting for. I just wish he would have given me that option. He pretty much just emailed to say he didn't know how he felt, needed time to process and was taking a break. I didn't even get the chance to respond.
I'm not interested it dating anyone else right now so no problem in waiting.
May I get your take on the sex part. As a guy, can it be that much of a game changer? Meaning would it really make things so much different?
Thanks again
Move on. Date other people. Pretend he doesn't exist. If he pops back up, give him another chance if you want, but make him wait awhile for sex.
Anonymous
05/16/2014 00:42
Subject: Re:How long to move on after divorce
My best man friend, about a year after the breakup of his marriage (10 years together total) started dating another woman who he has been with (now) for about 5 years. During those 5 years, they have taken a couple of breaks (one for more than 6 months) because, as he put it, he did not realize he was not 'over' his divorce until he got into another relationship. He was over the divorce, in terms of being OK being alone - he didn't still miss his ex, or hate her, or feel that his life was empty without her. He was not over it in terms of being OK in a relationship - he didn't even realize some of the issues he had/ways he had changed regarding relationships until he actually was in one.
Anonymous
05/16/2014 00:28
Subject: How long to move on after divorce
Anonymous wrote:Another man here.
It happened to me. I was married ten years. I've always had a strong emotional intelligence, so I was careful not to move on too soon. I didn't want any residual emotions from my ex-wife's cheating to spill over into the next relationship. I started seeing someone who for all intents and purposes seemed like a much better catch. She was physically more attractive, she stimulated me mentally in ways that my ex-wife never could, and...I felt like I hit the jackpot to say the least.
We waited four months before anything happened. The sex was the best I'd had in my life. The next day I felt horrible. It confused the hell out of me. It didn't spark any desire for my ex-wife whatsoever, but I still had this sinking feeling like I'd cheated or something. It had to be the fact that I was with someone new for the first time in ten years. I tried to make sense of it, but I couldn't. Four months of building up this intimacy and then in one night it was all invalidated. After that, I felt nothing. No love, no bitterness. Just complete apathy towards the relationship.
It was like performance anxiety on an emotional level. I really, really wanted to get those feelings back, but they just weren't coming. It's been a few months and I still feel the same way. The woman has moved on. I couldn't keep her hanging. It didn't seem right. If anything it's spawned more bitterness towards my ex-wife. I can't even move on although I have zero desire for her anymore. Doesn't seem right.
Sorry that I don't have a solution. I say just see if he can open up more. Maybe give him time. It's uncharted territory. If he's open to it, maybe you can walk it together.
OP here... Thank you for sharing your story. It's helpful and makes me feel like maybe this isn't all my fault. I'm sorry for what you are going through as well.
You described our situation almost exactly, I think? I didn't mention this in my first post, but he said it was the best sex he had ever had as well. I didn't believe him at first, I thought he was just being nice. But, he insisted! Thats what made it all the stranger. When I left, I was thinking about how i couldn't wait to get back and do it again! I'm afraid the opposite happened for him. He totally shut down as soon as I left. It was that fast! It sounds like he may be feeling some of the same things you were/are.
His ex has moved on quickly. As a matter of fact, she is now living with someone. I guess everyone moves at their own speed.
Good luck to you
Anonymous
05/16/2014 00:19
Subject: How long to move on after divorce
Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't state how long he has been divorced for so it may be a little difficult to give you a clear answer for this.
Considering you both dated for 3 mos. before you slept together, I think you were right about him. He isn't a player and he wasn't in it just to get a piece of ass. I think his intentions were in the right place and that he really liked you.
Probably sleeping w/you triggered feelings in him that did in fact show him that he wasn't as over his ex~wife as he had thought or hoped he was. I admire his honesty w/you, but I do agree...Sending you an email was quite tacky. In his defense, however..Sometimes it is easier for certain people to express themselves more effectively via the written word than verbally.
Regardless, I feel for you and am sorry this had to happen to you.
Sure this sucks and there is nothing I can say to make you feel better.
As you are well aware of, ALL relationships come w/a certain risk factor so this can happen w/another guy for some other issue he is dealing w/
But to answer your question about dating a divorced person, to play it safe, I would say the person should be divorced at least a year before I think they are ready to jump back into the dating pool.
Op here. Thank you for the kind words. I agree, it's always a risk. I think it was about six months which was clearly too soon.
Anonymous
05/16/2014 00:14
Subject: How long to move on after divorce
Another man here.
It happened to me. I was married ten years. I've always had a strong emotional intelligence, so I was careful not to move on too soon. I didn't want any residual emotions from my ex-wife's cheating to spill over into the next relationship. I started seeing someone who for all intents and purposes seemed like a much better catch. She was physically more attractive, she stimulated me mentally in ways that my ex-wife never could, and...I felt like I hit the jackpot to say the least.
We waited four months before anything happened. The sex was the best I'd had in my life. The next day I felt horrible. It confused the hell out of me. It didn't spark any desire for my ex-wife whatsoever, but I still had this sinking feeling like I'd cheated or something. It had to be the fact that I was with someone new for the first time in ten years. I tried to make sense of it, but I couldn't. Four months of building up this intimacy and then in one night it was all invalidated. After that, I felt nothing. No love, no bitterness. Just complete apathy towards the relationship.
It was like performance anxiety on an emotional level. I really, really wanted to get those feelings back, but they just weren't coming. It's been a few months and I still feel the same way. The woman has moved on. I couldn't keep her hanging. It didn't seem right. If anything it's spawned more bitterness towards my ex-wife. I can't even move on although I have zero desire for her anymore. Doesn't seem right.
Sorry that I don't have a solution. I say just see if he can open up more. Maybe give him time. It's uncharted territory. If he's open to it, maybe you can walk it together.
It happened to me. I was married ten years. I've always had a strong emotional intelligence, so I was careful not to move on too soon. I didn't want any residual emotions from my ex-wife's cheating to spill over into the next relationship. I started seeing someone who for all intents and purposes seemed like a much better catch. She was physically more attractive, she stimulated me mentally in ways that my ex-wife never could, and...I felt like I hit the jackpot to say the least.
We waited four months before anything happened. The sex was the best I'd had in my life. The next day I felt horrible. It confused the hell out of me. It didn't spark any desire for my ex-wife whatsoever, but I still had this sinking feeling like I'd cheated or something. It had to be the fact that I was with someone new for the first time in ten years. I tried to make sense of it, but I couldn't. Four months of building up this intimacy and then in one night it was all invalidated. After that, I felt nothing. No love, no bitterness. Just complete apathy towards the relationship.
It was like performance anxiety on an emotional level. I really, really wanted to get those feelings back, but they just weren't coming. It's been a few months and I still feel the same way. The woman has moved on. I couldn't keep her hanging. It didn't seem right. If anything it's spawned more bitterness towards my ex-wife. I can't even move on although I have zero desire for her anymore. Doesn't seem right.
Sorry that I don't have a solution. I say just see if he can open up more. Maybe give him time. It's uncharted territory. If he's open to it, maybe you can walk it together.
Anonymous
05/16/2014 00:09
Subject: How long to move on after divorce
OP, you didn't state how long he has been divorced for so it may be a little difficult to give you a clear answer for this.
Considering you both dated for 3 mos. before you slept together, I think you were right about him. He isn't a player and he wasn't in it just to get a piece of ass. I think his intentions were in the right place and that he really liked you.
Probably sleeping w/you triggered feelings in him that did in fact show him that he wasn't as over his ex~wife as he had thought or hoped he was. I admire his honesty w/you, but I do agree...Sending you an email was quite tacky. In his defense, however..Sometimes it is easier for certain people to express themselves more effectively via the written word than verbally.
Regardless, I feel for you and am sorry this had to happen to you.
Sure this sucks and there is nothing I can say to make you feel better.
As you are well aware of, ALL relationships come w/a certain risk factor so this can happen w/another guy for some other issue he is dealing w/.
But to answer your question about dating a divorced person, to play it safe, I would say the person should be divorced at least a year before I think they are ready to jump back into the dating pool.
Considering you both dated for 3 mos. before you slept together, I think you were right about him. He isn't a player and he wasn't in it just to get a piece of ass. I think his intentions were in the right place and that he really liked you.
Probably sleeping w/you triggered feelings in him that did in fact show him that he wasn't as over his ex~wife as he had thought or hoped he was. I admire his honesty w/you, but I do agree...Sending you an email was quite tacky. In his defense, however..Sometimes it is easier for certain people to express themselves more effectively via the written word than verbally.
Regardless, I feel for you and am sorry this had to happen to you.
Sure this sucks and there is nothing I can say to make you feel better.
As you are well aware of, ALL relationships come w/a certain risk factor so this can happen w/another guy for some other issue he is dealing w/.
But to answer your question about dating a divorced person, to play it safe, I would say the person should be divorced at least a year before I think they are ready to jump back into the dating pool.
Anonymous
05/15/2014 23:55
Subject: Re:How long to move on after divorce
I was only married for 5 years and intimacy is very difficult for me to confront 1 year post-divorce. When I meet people that I like, a flood of insecurities, memories, pain come back. Part of the pain makes it difficult to move forward. Honestly, I don't think he will reach out to you again, but I also don't think he was a player. He was not ready for intimacy again.